Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Naming Your Girl Band: 1980's Edition

It’s the 80’s and let’s face it, thanks to the groundbreaking stateswomanship of First Lady Nancy Reagan, you chicks are going places you’ve never gone before. But if you're going to do all the stuff that dudes do, you had better be careful. Not all that long ago a chick playing music might have been punished by drowning in the Tigris, but we can't do that anymore so I’m going to take this opportunity to give you a little advice in coming up with a good name for your own girl band. As you probably didn't know, the name of a band is almost more important than what you actually play. You could probably come up with a totally rad band name and totally suck, but people would still come to your shows. The reason is that words are associated with images and ideas in people’s heads, they can generate all sorts of meaning, both good and bad whether or not it is explicitly there in the arrangement of letters. That’s why it’s crucially important to be strategic with your girl band name choices.

Cherry Bomb from 1986's Howard the Duck
Diaper Rash from 1984's Hardbodies
First of all, since you’re treading on territory that has until recently totally been the sacrosanct turf of dudes, be careful not to point this out. That’s totally like the fox advertising to the farmer that he’s all up in the chicken coop, it’s threatening and likely to backfire. Go for something that reassures the male need for dominance and control, a word that suggests vulnerability and a need to be taken care of. Innocence and weakness in women totally makes dudes feel like they’re strong and in control, like their power isn’t being threatened. Diaper Rash’s name is totally loaded with subtle meaning and is a primo example of excellent girl band nameage. The word “diaper” brings up both infantile helplessness AND of course babies, both of which reassure men that this girl band is not challenging established gender roles, even though they rock.

Vicious Lips from the 1988 film of the same name.
Second, and closely related to the first point about innocence is sex. Dudes are going to be thinking about boning you whether you like it or not, that’s what dudes do, so it’s important to use this to your advantage. Advertising your sexuality is a good way to get attention, using words that suggest it without explicitly saying it is a lot like wearing a lexical halter-top. Vicious Lips is a rad example of this principle because the word “lips” brings up lots of wet and warm thoughts that dudes totally dig. Cherry Bomb is another excellent girl band name because “cherry” suggests not only sex but, as above, innocence and inexperience which goes a long way toward reassuring a dude that he will remain dominant. When sex and power are firmly in their grasp, dudes will rock out to your girl band too.

If you look closely you can see dudes rocking out to girl band Diaper Rash (played by an early incarnation of Vixen)

Totally vicious' and yet, nonthreatening.
Now that you’ve gotten all of this down, I want to bring up what is perhaps most important point of all. You may have noticed that I only addressed half of each of the example girl band names above. The other half of those names are just as important in ensuring the success of each of these girl bands, as it will in yours. After cooking up all these ideas in dudes heads we still have to remember that even though they like the sex and innocence, you’re still usurping their place on the stage. Your girl band is, if not literally, figuratively in competition with their regular band. Your lack of a cock is subconsciously threatening to men, it reminds them that theirs could get cut off. It’s important to remind dudes that you’re still playing the same game, you’re not changing the rules or anything, that your “power” is not really a threat to theirs. This unspoken threat of emasculation can be easily countered by the use of man imagery and wordery. Thus “rash”, “vicious” and “bomb” are like dude symbols; violence, power and the military remind us that everything is OK. They say to people, without actually saying anything of course, “the status quo will remain unchallenged chicks and dudes in the audience!” Think about it, if your band's name was Vicious Rash Bomb, you would probably be dudes in a regular band. Conversely if you were called Cherry Diaper Lips, no dudes would ever come to your girl band’s shows. A careful combination of both sex and reassurance is the best way to make it as a chick in this topsy turvy business we dudes call music.


Monday, June 6, 2011

Screamin Jay put the Whammy on me!


Hello Readers it’s Cranky here with another chip off the old shoulder:

That last Screamin Jay Hawkins post inspired me to remember an incident that happened to me in the swampy suburbs of Florida. Let me tell you about the time when I met Screamin Jay who before that day was one of my heroes, after this happened I was crushed and it would take me a long time to be able to listen to his music again. The first time I heard his Screamin Jay’s music was during the pivotal scene in “Stranger Than Paradise” when Eszter Balint walked down the street with her slowed down cassette player, blaring that frightening tune “I Put a Spell On You” that is now so well known it turns my stomach. Meh, In my day there were zero computers and the only way to track a crazy song like that was to hunt it down at a record store (you couldn’t do a blog search GASP!) actually I shudder to return to that era. Now kids get off my lawn!

Anyway back to my story, I see there’s an all day blues show of local Clapton worshipers, cracker blues losers spewing out garbage blues covers, with no shred of dignity or sense of humor (or style for that matter) and it’s all free, hurray! So I kill a whole afternoon sitting in the corner listening to countless bad honky blues band after another in a vile assembly line of trash. Why was I there? because I was a cheap motherfucker, who figured they’d start charging at the door later on. I would revisit this embarrassing scenario when I saw “Ghost World” in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaM6lTmhnak

So late into the night I start asking people, do they know who is Screamin Jay even is? I ran into his manager who looked Italian, wore a white suit and had a pencil mustache. I asked him if Jay was gonna jump out of a coffin and if he had Henry(the skull) with him, but he said not tonight. I think about every other time I see Screamin Jay on TV or live somewhere and he's always decked out, with a bone through his nose, I'm sure he had this shit in the car, just whip it out man, what's the deal?

In this high class club in Florida, just imagine 20 bands in a row of Blues Hammer pootin around on stage and you’ll get the picture of what misery I put myself through. I didn’t know if he’s actually gonna appear in this shitty yuppie hole in the wall club, that was opened purely for poetry slams, it closed down a few months later. So let’s fast forward to Screamin Jay’s arrival. He’s decked out in a pair of orange pajamas and launches into a wimpy version of “Midnight Hour”. Then proceeds to continue on and on in that matter, almost like he’s covering the white bands covering blues guys, I mean Clapton, Robbie Cray and Stevie Van Zandt would be entranced!

My jaw was on the dirty bar room floor in shock and after the watered down milquetoast performance was over I immediately followed Jay to his Limo parked outside and demanded to know! What the fuck happened? I would’ve never had to guts to confront someone who did that to me now, but I was very upset then. I had to talk over some fat metal dude trying to impress Jay with his Belushi harmonica stylings. Which Jay actually seemed into!!? I just asked him, why don’t you play any of your own songs anymore? And he just looked at me and said “I do!” and I thought, just not now right? This event really soiled his music for me and eventually after a year, I could listen to him again, but it just sucked. I shook my head and sought out comfort in any other Rocknroll fan that went through something similar. I wrote Tim Warren (head honcho of Crypt Records, one of the best labeled ever assembled) and he basically said the greats are mainly a disappointment nowadays and it’s rare that you see a raw, primitive incarnation of what made you care about them in the first place. He thought maybe the artists themselves were afraid to look like Uncle Toms and soften it up for the masses. When I think about it now, he must have been on vacation and since he probably got a few bucks to be there he didn't prepare, I was still crushed though. I did get to shake his hand and meet him for a split second. About a couple of years later he died and I was glad to actually meet the man who I obsessively listened to in my car driving around. A similar situation happened in a Daniel Clowes comic called "Wild night in Tigertown" that really put the whole mess together for me. These guys are just doing what they can to scrape by without the shroud of fame and recognition, they gotta parade around like an idiot sometimes because I realize now, that's all they got and I forgive him for that trauma in my life. Anyway I’m over it now for more Screamin Jay in top form watch “I Put a Spell on me” and all of his great roles in Jim Jarmusch’s early work. R.I.P. Mr. Hawkins you will be sorely missed.

AURA NOIR = CHUMPS


So apparently Aura Noir are playing The Key Club in Los Angeles tonight, as a stopover between Maryland Death Fest and a brief Central American tour. That's right, no Bay Area date.
Fuck you, Aura Noir.
Have fun at the show, Sean.

As punishment to the band for their negligence, I am posting on this day their first three demos, which all pretty much suck (except for the last one), and sound more like Ved Buens Ende or some shit than the Aura Noir we've all come to know and love. The first two demos ('93 and '94) are both super short (three songs each, with the third song on the first demo being inexplicably cut off 12 seconds in...?) and several of the songs show up on more than one demo, and they sound like shit, and they don't even have cover art or anything.
Fuck this band.


UNTITLED DEMO (1993)

SIX


TWO VOICES, ONE KING DEMO (1994)

SIX


DREAMS LIKE DESERTS DEMO (1995)

SIX


Metallum/Last.FM

Friday, June 3, 2011

FRIDAY AFTERNOON 1990'S CRUSTGRIND BLOWOUT

No really.

I want your weekend to be filled with pain and despair.
Let these six albums guide your misery.


SYSTRAL - FEVER... THE MAXIMUM CARNAGE (1995)


Systral came from Bremen, Germany. Fever was originally released in 1995, but re-released in 1997 with several tracks from earlier 7" efforts. This is the expanded version, and it is full of short, fast, chaotic bursts of pure rage and violence. Also of note: on this album, they cover both Kylie Minogue ("Confide In Me") and Motorhead ("We Are The Road Crew"). If you like Dystopia, chances are you'll like this.

Download HERE
Metallum/Last.FM


ENEWETAK - AND THE BEAT GOES ON (1996)


We last checked in on Enewetak HERE, with focus placed on their 1997 album Onward To Valhalla. In that post, I claimed "To be quite honest, they sound a whole lot like Dystopia. A WHOLE lot."
They really do. This was their first full-length. If you like Dystopia, chances are you'll like this.

Download HERE

Last.FM


WELLINGTON - THANK YOU JESUS EP (1996)


Wellington, like so many other excellent crust/grind/hardcore acts of the 1990's, hailed from Arizona (Tempe, to be exact). They were quite a bit sludgier than the other acts featured in today's post, bent on doom and utter nihilism. Their career was short (about four years) and their releases were few, but Thank You Jesus is a fair representation of their sound and world-view, a half-hour plunge into total oblivion via walls of screaming distortion. They sort of sound like, uh.... Dystopia.

Download HERE
Metallum/Last.FM


UNRUH - MISERY STRENGTHENED FAITH (1997)

RIP Dr. Jack

Speaking of killer fucking bands from Arizona, how 'bout a little slice of Unruh to round things out? Named after infamous serial murderer Howard Unruh (who killed 13 people in one day), the band's sound and intensity could definitely be likened to some sort of multi-state killing spree, fraught as it is with blastbeats, screechy guitars, and harsh, howled vocals.
Definitely a bit more "upbeat" than Wellington, but still full of hatred and evil. If you like Dystopia, chances are you'll like this.

Download HERE


UNRUH - SETTING FIRE TO SINKING SHIPS (1999)


This band is fucking great. Let's double up.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Last.FM


SEA OF DEPRIVATION - CATHARSIS IN DISHARMONY (2000)


OK, so this album didn't technically come out in the 90's. But it fits in perfectly with the other albums presented here today, both in its Arizonan ancestry and in its foul spirit of sick, ugly hardcore. Did I mention that it basically sounds exactly like Dystopia?
I've heard that the singer offed himself after the release of this album, leaving it as the sole evidence Sea of Deprivation ever existed. Although I have not yet confirmed the authenticity of this claim, it would surely make sense, considering the suicidal misanthropy present throughout.
Nasty, nasty stuff.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Metallum/Last.FM


2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black

2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black
PGO Automobiles is noted for being a French automaker that specializes on small production cars that are designed to accommodate our longing for the cars of the past while also boasting of modern-day performance specs. Continuing in their trend of old-school meets new age, PGO decided to release a special edition model of one of it’s most popular models, the Cévennes.
2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black
PGO Cévennes Designed to be a modern sports car with a design that harkens, with neo-retro style, two-seater roadster with centrally mounted engine, PGO Cévennes offers a unique styling that combines traditional style with modern style and sporty. Choosing the 2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black is affirming the desire for a classic car with resolutely dynamic aesthetics.
2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black
Called the Ultimate Black, the neo-retro two-seater sports car offers plenty of endearing traits to itself that makes it a very attractive car for young and old people alike. PGO decided to make the car look as fashionably sport as it can be by offering plenty of options and accessories so that customers can pretty much build the look of their car depending on their tastes and preferences.
2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black
Taking the wheel of 2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black is an invitation to drive with complete freedom and safety. With 2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black you can enjoy the interior where traditional instrumentation combined with full grain leather and paint varnish, creating an atmosphere to the “image” of the owners who will choose the color of the graph of many colors.
2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black
The 2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black is powered by a normally aspirated four-cylinder 2-liter engine that is mounted at the back and puts out 138 hp at 6,000 rpm and 144 lb / ft of torque at 3000 rpm mated to a 5-speed manual transmission. Power is sent via a five-speed manual gearbox to the back wheels, but a four-speed auto-shifter is also available as an optional extra.
“Incited by its mechanical architecture, its lightness and its suggestive line, you will discover the handling precision of an authentic roadster. Taking the wheel of a Cévennes is an invitation to drive with complete freedom and safety. The sensations you will feel also come from this harmonious distribution between reconstructed past and assumed modernity. The position close to the road preserves every element of a pleasure that was thought to be no longer attainable,” PGO says.
2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black
The body is made up of composite molded bodyshell, while the suspension is a Mc Pherson system. Unlike the original Porsche 356, the 2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black has four ventilated disks, which are hidden behind 17-inch black alloys, wrapped in 205/40 ZR 17 performance tires.
PGO Cévennes - Technical Specifications :
    * Engine
          o Position: transverse mid engine
          o Number of cylinders: 4 aligned
          o Cubic capacity: 1997 cm3
          o Bore x stroke: 85 x 88 mm
          o Number of valves: 16 (twin overhead camshaft)
          o Maximum power: 103 kW (140 PS; 138 hp) @ 6000 rpm
          o Maximum torque: 195 Nm @ 3000 rpm
          o Compression level: 10.8:1
    * Transmission
          o Gear box: manual, 5 speed + reverse (automatic gear box 4 speed in option)
    * Frame and body
          o Frame: multi-tubular and crash test structure
          o Body: composite moulded bodyshell
          o Suspension: Mc Pherson system
          o Brakes: 4 ventilated discs
          o Wheels: 7x17 alloy wheels
          o Tyres size: 205/40 ZR 17
          o Steering: assisted rack-and-pinion
          o Turning circle between kerbs: 9,40 m
    * Weight and dimensions
          o Kerb weight: 980 kg
          o Fuel tank capacity: 42 litres
          o Trunk capacity: 110 dm3
          o Length: 3700 mm
          o Width: 1735 mm
          o Height: 1320 mm
          o Wheelbase: 2261 mm
          o Front / rear track: 1440 mm / 1430 mm
    * Performance and consumption
          o Maximum speed on track: 215 km/h
          o Acceleration 0-100 km/h: less than 7 s
    * Fuel consumption (According to EEC directive 80/1268 modified 004/100/CE)
          o Manual gear box
                + Urban: 11.0 l/100km
                + Extra urban: 6.5 l/100km
                + Combined cycle: 8.2 l/100km
          o Automatic gear box
                + Urban: 11.5 l/100km
                + Extra urban: 6.6 l/100km
                + Combined cycle: 8.4 l/100km
    * CO2 emission (according to EEC directive 80/1268 modified 2004/3/CE)
          o Manual gear box: 185 g/km
          o Automatic gear box: 199 g/km
2011 PGO Sport Cars Cevennes Ultimate Black

Thursday, June 2, 2011

2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition

2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition
Press Release – Apr 28, 2011 – Chevrolet is proud to announce the exclusive 2012 Chevrolet Honor & Valor Limited Edition Camaro SS – a vehicle whose rare combination of power, performance and precision exemplifies the indomitable spirit of our troops, and is ready for action as America’s 21st century sports car.
2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition
General Motors released in 2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition for the armed forces of the United States, to show their appreciation for the American troops. In recognition of Chevrolet’s 100th birthday, only 99 units of the “Honor & Valor” Limited Edition Camaro SS will be built and are only available to eligible members* of the military (the first unit will be auctioned with net proceeds going to Cell Phones for Soldiers). Orders are now being accepted and will be prioritized on a first-come, first-served basis.
2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition
This model is basically a collection of 2012 Camaro SS, which comes with special accents such as a painted body kit, white side stripes, premium floor mats, XM Satellite Radio, black leather seats, a so-called special “honor” badge, a grille insert and surround similar and in addition to the rumbling, American-as-it-can-get 6.2-liter V-8 with a choice of manual or automatic transmission. (We say get the manual, as it hooks to the 426-hp LS3 in place of automatic models’ 400-horse L99.) The 2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition will officially debut at Indy 500 military personnel parade on May 28.
2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition will only be available in red, white, and –er, black. Production is limited to 99 examples, and much like Harley-Davidson’s police and firefighter edition models, cars will only be made available to buyers actively serving in the U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, or Coast Guard. Interested buyers can place an order through www.gmmilitarydiscount.com
2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition
Chevrolet Sport Cars is celebrating National Military Appreciation Month by expanding its GM Military Discount  to military spouses and retirees; offering an exclusive “Honor” badge to anyone who buys an eligible Chevrolet through the program. For each eligible vehicle sold, GM will donate $100 to Cell Phones for Soldiers.
2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition
“We are committed to offering military professionals and their family members the best value in the industry,” said Dan Akerson, General Motors Chairman and CEO.  “As a former Navy man, I hold the highest regard for the men and women of our Armed Forces – past and present – who help keep our country safe and preserve our precious liberties.”
2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition
The GM Military Discount program is extended to spouses of Active and Reserve members, as well as retirees, of the U.S. Air Force, Army, Navy, Marines, National Guard and Coast Guard. The discount is available on most Chevrolet, Buick and GMC models with discounts typically ranging between $500 and $4,000 off MSRP.
2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition
Production of this special 2012 Chevrolet Sport Cars Camaro SS Honor and Valor Edition military model begins in July, and deliveries are scheduled for August.