The 6 Shittiest Little Brother Bands Of All Time

Being the little brother of an established rock star is a mixed blessing. Sure you can get more hype for your crap band but you will forever be in the shadow of the dickhead that kicked your ass when you were little. Here at Ill Con Labs we have been doing extensive research on the phenomena of little brother bands and we have come to this conclusion: THEY ARE ALL SHITTY.

Deep inside Ill Con LABS

Through many years of studying we can now bring you the definitive list of THE TOP SIX SHITTY LITTLE BROTHER BANDS EVER (after the jump)!

6 - .38 Special

Legendary Lynard Skynard front man Ronnie Van Zant will go down in history as one of the most badass singer/lyricists of all time. Too bad his shitty little brother Donnie won't. Known for their famous earworm "Hold On Loosely," which is obviously about Van Zant's masturbation style, .38 Special will forever be known as one of the most frequent bands on the county fair circuit. Amazingly .38 Special have recorded a whopping TWELVE albums including a disastrous Christmas album. Catch them live since they are perpetually on tour playing venues full of people waiting for that "one song."

5 - Malo

This is Carlos Santana's little bro Jorge's band. Known for their hit "Suavecito" which should be familiar to any red blooded Chicano American. I have to admit that I have mad love for that song as a burrito eater of Mexican decent, but the rest of their 8 album output? SHIT SHIT SHIT. Admittedly Carlos has become a total flaming bag of musical poop himself over the last decade. However those first 5 Santana albums (Self Titled - Welcome) are mighty, brutal and heavy as fuck. That's right. I rep for early Santana!

PS: Malo is also perpetually on tour. I'm seeing a trend here.

4 - Powerman 5000

I don't even know where to start with this fuckface. Powerman 5000 is the brainchild of "Spider One," younger brother of one the worst rock vocalist of all time Rob Zombie. If you thought "Dragula" was bad then you have never heard "When Worlds Collide" the one Powerman 5000 song to hit the charts. He's actually a WORSE singer than his older bro which is saying something! These guys basically cornered the shitty soundtrack market, as their contributions to terrible soundtracks is mightily impressive. Here is just a partial list of the soundtracks they have appeared on in addition to their 9 craptastic studio albums:

Freddy vs. Jason, Bride Of Chucky, End Of Days, Zoolander, Universal Soldier: The Return, Little Nicky, Scream 3, Dracula 2000, Blade II, Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave, NASCAR Thunder 2004


And thats just the tip of the iceberg! SHEESH! The only movie in that list I'll stand behind is Zoolander, though I have not seen Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave which I must say intrigues me. I guess Blade II is OKAY.

3 - Adema

Fuck Bakersfield, CA for being a shitty town that gave us not one, but two of the shittiest bands of the last two decades. This band is fronted by Mark Chavez, who is the lil' half bro of the current King Of Dubstep, KORN's Johnathan Davis. Yes, this band got a record deal by riding KORN's coattails. How can they sleep at night? Can you imagine the groupies they get? Like Powerman 5000 they ended up on a bunch of b-movie soundtracks and still seem to be playing in some form or another. They are currently playing venues called things like "Bleachers Sports Bar" in Bristol, CT and have 4 amazingly awful albums under their belt  You remember their song. It's the worst. Fuck you, Adema! 

2 - Bloodcum

Ok this one gets a little confusing. The bass player in this 80s thrash outfit is the little brother of Slayer's Tom Araya. That is a fact. However the singer "Joey Hanneman" was NOT the brother of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman and they just gave him that name as a joke since they kind of looked alike. I guess they reformed in 2005 and play shows on and off. These guys get a pass because they aren't that bad and LOL "BLOODCUM" is a funnie name, but let's face it, compared to Slayer they completely suck.

1- Audiovent

Fucking hands down, without a doubt, no two ways about it, the WORST little bro band in the world ever is the steaming pile of dreck known as Audiovent. Audiovent is very special as 3 out of the 4 members are little brothers of the terrible people known as alternative rockers Incubus. THREE OUT OF FOUR MEMBERS. FUCKKKK ME! According to wiki:


Three out of four of the original members of Audiovent are related to members of the band Incubus. Jason Boyd is the brother of vocalist Brandon Boyd. Benjamin Einziger is brother of guitarist Mike Einziger, and Paul Fried is their stepbrother.


Everything about this band is utterly embarrassing for everyone involed. Their lyrics were juvenile at best. Riffs? Who needs riffs? The production sounds like my butt. Look at that motherfucker's half shirt. Makes me upset.


They achieved minor success in 2002 touring with other amazingly disgusting bands like Saliva (RIP) and Theory of a Deadman (lol).Also they are from Calabasas, CA which is the same suburban cesspool of rich white shitheads as Linkin Park and the Kardashians (they are Armenian but you get my drift). Thank god they broke up in 2004. Something we can all be happy about. 

Honorable mention: Roger Clinton

Little bro to our very own rockstar POTUS, Roger Clinton is famous for doing coke while Bill was Governor (which Bill later pardoned him from while in office!) and releasing a terrible album of whiteboy blues while his older brother was the president. Roger is also an actor appearing in such films as Fred Claus and Pumpkinhead II!

A true American hero! Roger Clinton we salute you!!!!!

Recent shot of the Clinton Bros. I would totally smoke a blunt with these dudes.

Check out this hot JAMMMMM! WALKIN' THE DOGGG!! OWWWWWWWWW!

Canada is Just Plain Better at Music

It wasn’t until I started doing research for this article that I discovered how important the 1990’s were for Canadian music. During that glorious decade Canadians were producing some of the finest examples of contemporary soundings. While us U.S.ers were certainly churning out the hits, Canadians weren’t content merely to do the same thing well; they wanted to do it beauty. Canada took it from mere musicianship to pure artistry, honing each style into its philosophical essence as if distilling from an undisclosed variety of average grains only the finest of whiskys. Who can forget the saucy rock baladeering of Bryan Adams, who although he had a number of hits in the 80’s, managed Jesuslike to pinch off a second Billboard No. 1 hit in the early 90’s. It’s as if NAFTA resurrected his rock. There was of course also the reformulation of feminism into mass marketability which can be attributed at least in part to Canadian Sarah McLachlan, the songstress who stormed the adult contemporary field in 1993, taking her sweet grrl time to found Lilith Fair four years later. And then of course was perhaps the brightest of Canada's stars, North York native Snow who simultaneously pushed two genres, rap and reggae’ into previously uncharted territory and was also justly rewarded with a Recording Industry Association of Japan Best New Artist Award. The list goes on, but I think I’ve made my point. Texas may think they’re not to be messed with, but actions speak louder than words my friends, and Canada doesn’t answer to anybody, they already are their own country.

Still, there was one genre of music that dominated them all to define the 90’s. In the United States a lot of people, at least in my generation, look back at the Clinton Era with a sense of shame or bemusement. Sure, we wore a lot of stupid clothes and listened to a lot of shitty music, but hey, at the time it was all optimism and progress right? For the first time in 12 years we had a president that actually seemed like he might be a genuine bro. Well anyway, he knew how to burn one and liked to jam. Economically we were more prosperous than any time in the last two decades and it looked like an awesome future was literally right at our fingertips. Leave it to white people to be all depressed and despondent when they have it so good. And yes, the Canadians once again showed us how it was really done. No I’m not talking about Saints and Sinners because nobody was listening to metal in the 90’s. I’m talking about the band that boiled the Grungy slacker essence of poor-little-rich-boy Anglo-Saxon misanthropy into a potent sauce of pure despondency. I’m talking about Grivo.

Formed in Toronto in late 1995, Grivo came on the Grunge scene pretty late, but man they were fucking apathetic. Taking their name from front man and vocalist Dan Grivo, the band featured former members of a number of unremarkable Canadian alt-rock bands, but the new combination was magical. Unfortunately, as we know from far too much experience, a star that burns fifteen times as bright burns only 6.66 percent as long, and Grivo was no different.


Although the band had yet to record an album, by the following year they were already well known outside of their home country as one of the most nonplussed bands of the decade. It would be hard for me to describe it better than Wikipedia, so I won’t: Grivo became phenomenally “famous for their bleak lyrics, as well as a general indifference toward their audience, fame, and music.” Although rumor had it the band might be working somewhat half-assedly on some recordings, nothing ever materialized and it seemed that Grivo had all but disappeared and left virtually no record of their passing except for fragments of a single live performance in early '96.

Suddenly, as that same year was drawing to a close, Dan Grivo himself reappeared backed with an entirely new lineup. Making their debut on MTV, their very first  music video went on to win the Best New Video in the Jangly Upbeat Pop category for that year. And for a second time in less than 2 years, Grivo again proved that lightning strikes lots of times in Canada. They just does things better than we do up there.

  
Thanks to TooYube user Badjackcutter for the rare archival footage.

You gotta be f***ing KIDDING me!

I believe this speaks for itself.

HAIL TO THE KING THAT NEVER WAS!!!

I think Steve Delchin is my new hero.

Open Lines tonight on Illogical Contraption Radio. 11/11/11 day. Yep.

Listen to IllCon Radio tonight @ 10pm-Midnight PST on FCCFREERADIO.com

“The Meaning of the 11:11 Time Prompts.

Those who are prompting you are Planetary Helpers, Secondary Midwayers or ‘lower angels.’ They are opportunists. They will vary the numbers to make you realize you are dealing with incredible intelligence, and they would like you to live a more spiritual life. They are all good guys and gals.

At this point in time more than 75,000,000 million people all over the world are getting the 11:11 pm and 11:11 am ‘wake-up’ and ‘reminder’ prompts, as well as other time-prompts like 1:11, 2:22, 333, and more. Some will see this as positive, some will fear, but this is the New Age – the Correcting Time — and the communication circuits to higher spheres have largely been reconnected. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, because the Lucifer rebellion was at last adjudicated in the mid 1980’s.”

LOL

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HEMDALE - RAD JACKSON (Discography, 2002)

Yep, it's pretty generic (albeit high-quality) goregrind, and yeah, there's a bunch of corny/funny/stupid/grotesque movie samples, and sure, most of 37 songs here are only a minute or so long, and indeed, there is a zombie holding a cat on the front cover, and yes, this compilation bears the unfortunately mundane title Rad Jackson, and of course, song titles like "Buried Under A Pile Of Zombie Dung", "Demented Surgical Incest", "Licking Mental Patients Cum Off The Sheets", "Tasty Hemorrhoidal Tissue", and "Bathing In Mucus And Bile" are present, and yeah, maybe they do a Napalm Death cover or two, but lighten up, bro. I guarantee you've seen stupider things on this blog before.
Anyway, like other champions of low-brow stupidity Nunslaughter and Embalmer (anyone else remember the "Necro-Filing Cabinet"?), Hemdale came from good old Cleveland, Ohio, and released only a string of splits and ill-fated demos during the years of their "actual" existence, 1993 to 1998. Relapse scooped them up posthumously and put together the incomplete discography known as Rad Jackson in '02, as well as signing a bunch of bands from drummer Craig Rowe's label Visceral Productions when that enterprise tanked as well (Nile and Exhumed were alumni under the Visceral banner). But enough Death Metal History 101. If you're in the mood for some really fucking dumb semi-comedic splattergrind, maybe Hemdale is just the band to kill off a couple brain cells today.
Man, WTF is wrong with Cleveland anyway?



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Tonight on Illogical Contraption Radio 10pm-MIDNIGHT PST on FCCFREERADIO.com

How did a 5 foot tall, 100 pound Latvian immigrant lift, carve and engineer stones that weighed over 30 tons to create one of the most astoundingly beautiful and mysterious feats of mankind? Coral Castle, located north of Homestead, Florida, is an incredible stone structure that one tiny little Ed Leedskalnin single-handedly built over a period of 30 years, finally opening to the public in 1923. Leedskalnin would only work at night in pitch blackness and when asked how he could lift such huge objects by himself he would cryptically answer, “I have figured out how the Egyptians built the pyramids.” Witnesses to the creation of stone structure would claim to see huge boulders “floating” and “flying” in mid-air. Tonight we talk to expert Matt Emery of Leedskalnin.com to clear the air about this still unsolved mystery. Was it supernatural or scientific? Why did Billy Idol write a song about it? All this and more will be answered tonight!

After that it’s balls out, siqq ass, shit fuckingly awesome open lines so give us a call!

415-829-2980

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"BIG ANNOUNCEMENT"

Drumroll please....
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce the birth of (insert trumpet flourish)

ILLCON RADIO!

OK, to be fair, this probably isn't that much of a surprise. IllCon Radio is truly Brother Cory (right, pictured with Genesis P. Orridge)'s labor of love, and he's been pimping it on the IllCon Facebook page for about a month already. He's done several shows with Brother Peter, Brother Erik, and Brother Al, but I've been too busy to get involved as of yet. Tonight marks my maiden voyage on board IC Radio, and it's shaping up to be a doozy.
We'll be broadcasting out of Studio 1A at FCC Free Radio tonight from 10pm-midnight (as is the case every Friday from here on out), you can either go HERE and listen live or download the podcast at any point in the upcoming week HERE. Unfortunately, no good archiving system has been set up so far, but I'll be uploading every episode from here on out and posting them on the blog, and we're also working on making this thing a fully-legit iTunes podcast sort of affair.
So if you've been looking for that special radio experience, say, something along the lines of "a heavy metal Coast to Coast AM on Whip-its" (Cory's words), then IllCon Radio might be perfect for you. Bear in mind, the show is 100% live and uncensored, so fucking CALL IN! (415)829-2980. Once again, that's 10pm-midnight, PACIFIC STANDARD TIME. We await your scorn and ridicule with baited breath.

Did I mention theoretical nuclear physicist, ufologist, and celebrated cryptozoologist Franklin Ruehl (below) has appeared on the show? We aren't fucking around.

No bullshit, I own that same dinosaur mug.

Here are some clips. This shit is gonna be real goofy.

INVASION OF THE POD PEOPLE

Image courtesy of Mark Rudolph, Requiem Metal Podcast

I'm not sure what percentage of Illogical Contraption's readership listens to podcasts--it is, after all, an acquired taste, not the most popular form of entertainment, but burgeoning nonetheless. I subscribe to exactly 20 myself (my computer's memory won't allow for much more and I ain't about to start dumping 'em onto my external hard drive), and in the last 6 months or so my music-to-podcast ratio has been about 50/50. They're a great alternative to commercial radio for a guy like me that spends alot of time in cars or on public transportation, after all you can't spend 100% of your earbud time rocking to Russian slam metal (can you?). So today's post is a breakdown of the aforementioned 20 podcasts on my roster, most of them probably pretty well-known and familiar to you if you're already an enthusiast, but hey, whatever, I thought I'd share...


- HorrorEtc

An in-depth exploration of the horror genre (amongst many other things) with very-Canadian hosts Anthony and Ted (and sometimes Doug). Podcasts are produced at least once a week, with a huge archive for your perusal (almost 200 episodes, most in the 1:30 to 2 hour range). These guys like to swill beer while they talk slasher, gore, thriller, suspense, etc., but slobs they aren't--discussions often swerve into the technical minutiae of filmmaking, and they are always "films", not "movies".

Pros: 300+ hours of obscure horror cinema talk at your disposal.
Cons: Anthony in particular can come off as a little bit pretentious, and subject matter is explored SO deeply and thoroughly that a lot of uninteresting fodder gets thrown in.

- Junk Food Dinner

Junk Food Dinner, although relatively young, appears to be a weekly affair, and, like HorrorEtc, is almost completely film-related. The Skype-based format of its production model allows for 3 hosts based in Ohio, LA, and New York to be present for each episode, with each of them bringing an obscure film to the table for discussion every week. Along with quite a bit of "nerd news", good musical interludes, and plentiful digression, JFD brings the B-movies, grindhouse, horror, sci-fi, and 80's comedies hard and fast, and I always end up adding a movie or two to my Netflix queue after listening.

Pros: Shitloads of quality flicks you've never heard of.
Cons: Only, like, ten episodes available on iTunes right now.

- Doug Loves Movies

Continuing with the movie theme, we have the always-stoned Doug Benson and his weekly comedy/film trivia podcast Doug Loves Movies. Usually performed live at the UCB Theater in LA, DLM is always populated by an entertaining list of A-to-B-grade movie stars and comedians (he got John Lithgow!), and always ends in a spirited round of The Leonard Maltin Game.

Pros: Never fails to entertain--Benson is a genuinely funny host and guests are mostly lucid and well-chosen.
Cons: The live setting of the show doesn't always translate 100% to podcast format.

- Comedy Bang Bang

Transitioning from film to comedy, we now start with our 5-show block of podcasts from the Earwolf Network, co-founded by Comedy Bang Bang (formerly Comedy Death Ray) host and former Mr. Show writer Scott Aukerman. I posted on CBB/CDR back here, sharing several of their finest clips via YouTube, but again, the show archive is massive and stocked with quality bits, offering hours and hours and hours and hours of listening pleasure to the casual comedy enthusiast. Comedy Bang Bang is often considered the yardstick by which to measure comedy podcasts, and Aukerman's format (usually featuring a movie or music star paired with an "in-character" comedian) is about 90% successful.

Pros: Seth Morris, Nick Kroll, James Adomian, and Paul F. Tompkins ALWAYS kill it.
Cons: Humor-wise, CBB can be pretty hit-or-miss.

- Affirmation Nation with Bob Ducca

The first "official" CDR/CBB spin-off features Seth Morris as the ailment-stricken self-help addict Bob Ducca, initially introduced on Comedy Death Ray as Aukerman's (fictional) ex-stepdad. In a departure from the "usual" comedy podcast format, Affirmation Nation is offered in 1-to-4 minute installments 5 times a week, and somehow, almost every episode manages to be literally laugh-out-loud funny. Highest recommendations possible.

Pros: Introduction of terms like "faucet titties", "Kettle Corn enema", "nasal halitosis", and "hand putty" into your daily vernacular.
Cons: None.

Pro tip: Bob Ducca's Twitter account is amazing, if you're into that sort of thing.

- Mike Detective

A deft send-up of the long-gone private eye/film noir genre, Mike Detective is the creation of comedian/actor Rob Huebel (of Human Giant and Children's Hospital), and is chock full of ridiculous wordplay, graphic single entendres, low-brow comedy, and brilliantly stupid puns. Episodes are usually in the 5-to-10 minute range, with the first "season" ending recently.

Pros: Like Affirmation Nation, good for a few solid belly laughs.
Cons: Episodes are short, few and far between.

- How Did This Get Made?

Speaking of Human Giant, Huebel's co-star Paul Scheer (who also appeared in Piranha 3D and was quasi-interviewed by our own Brother Cory back here) co-hosts the twice-monthly shitfest HDTGM? with Jason Mantzoukas and June Diane Raphael, and consistently nails it with his brutal eviscerations of past and current Hollywood garbage (most of it involving Nicolas Cage). This podcast can be an acquired taste, but I personally have an unquenchable thirst for shit-talking bad movies, the worse the better (and vice versa?).

Pros: In-depth plot analysis of movies like Sucker Punch and Drive Angry: Shot in 3d save you the pain and hassle of actually watching them.
Cons: I actually wish the 45 minute-to-1 hour episodes were longer.

- Who Charted?

The last in our series of 5 Earwolf-produced podcasts is Howard Kremer and Kulap Vilaysack's Who Charted?, a show which, despite being pretty funny, I consider something of a neccesary evil. Their weekly run-downs of top charters in film, music, video gaming, and the like are mostly foreign to my ultra-specialized tastes, but in a way, if I must keep up with pop culture, this is the way I want to do it--in short, controlled, 10 second bursts.

Pros: Good guests, good music (Kremer moonlights as alter-ego comedy rapper Dragon Boy Suede), and a healthy dose of deserving cynicism (mostly on Howard's part) when discussing "popular stuff".
Cons: I could tell you what song was #3 on the dance charts last week, if I wanted to.

- The Nerdist

Another "guilty pleasure" on the list, the Nerdist podcast (co-hosted by Chris Hardwick, Jonah Ray, and Matt Mira) is sort of like the "morning radio show" of my poddictions. These dudes are all legitimately funny, super nerdy, and full of quick wit, but also obsessed with the Hollywood "scene", often pandering to A-list guests or dropping names unnecessarily. I don't know--I can't always get behind the Nerdist 100%, but it hasn't stopped me from downloading and listening to all 100+ shows in their archive.

Pros: The title implies a certain degree of nerd and/or geek-based knowledge, which the show delivers in abundance.
Cons: Chris is hung up on himself, Jonah likes to talk about "indie rock", and Matt is a fan of the Dave Matthews Band. 'Nuff said.

- The Pod F. Tompkast

Paul F. Tompkins is a fucking comedy genius, and his foray into the world of podcasting is a welcome one. But while the Pod F. Tompkast is well-produced, creative, and intelligent, it lacks variety, an element that will hopefully be added when the first episode recorded in front of a LIVE audience airs next month. This show is relatively new, and could use a couple tweaks to hold listener interest better. But I trust the comedic instincts of its seasoned host, and hopefully the Tompkast will continue to improve accordingly.

Pros: Regular visits from well-worn Tompkins characters such as Cake Boss, Ice T, Gary Marshall, and Dame Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Cons: Paul's one-man, direction-less rants can get tiresome (he needs to start bringing on some guests), and his ongoing segment featuring extended phone conversations with comedian Jen Kirkman don't really go anywhere.

- Superego

Holy shit this show is bizarre. And fucking hilarious.
I stumbled accross this one on a chance recommendation from the previously-mentioned Mr. Tompkins, who, along with other well-known comics like Patton Oswalt and Andy Daly, has done extensive guest-voice work on the show. Somehow, the creators of Superego have created their own off-kilter comedic language, full of weird non-sequitirs, purposefully misplaced pauses, nonsensical word combinations, and pure, unadulterated insanity. I'm not even really sure what to call it. It is "sketch comedy", yes, but somehow beyond it as well, contorting into abstract surrealism and improvisational scat-storytelling as well. If Tim & Eric directed the Firesign Theater, the results would be something resembling Superego.
As a bonus, the production value and technical details are top-notch as well, with the podcast itself being presented in a "chaptered" format I've never before experienced in a comedy podcast (custom graphics "follow" the show's storyline as well, changing on your iPod's display screen as the episode progresses). But above all, the show is FUNNY, and if you choose to take the plunge, you'll soon be as enamored with Shunt McGuppin, General Zod, Don DeLillo, and The Pray-Day-Dur Kid (you'll know when you get there) as I am.

Pros: Pretty sure this podcast actually makes you smarter.
Cons: Only one 20-minute-to-half-hour episode per month.

- WTF with Marc Maron

I guess WTF is the closest you can get to a "mainstream" comedy podcast, although that term means something totally different in such a specialized form of media. Maron still produces his interview segments from his own garage (when he isn't conducting them live on stage or from a hotel room), with his own gear, and each episode is flavored, for better or worse, by his cynical, twisted world view. Say what you will about the bitter old fuck, but Maron certainly isn't a "sell-out", and half the fun of the show is hearing his own dark, honest stories intertwined with those of his (usually) high-profile guests. Unlike mainstream television or radio interviewers, WTF is unafraid to sink its proverbial claws into its victims interviewees, and the magic of the show is hearing about the darkest fears and anxieties of otherwise "untouchable" comedy/media stars.

Pros: Endless kvetching.
Cons: See "Pros".

- Things We Did Before Reality


Personality-wise, SF-based comedian Will Franken has a lot in common with Marc Maron--they're both unrepentantly bitter and angry, sharp of wit and tongue, and prolific as Hell--but Franken's podcast is a hard 180 from Maron's dry back-and-forth, a frenetic, schizoid, one-man romp indulging all the voices in his head. Where Maron is liberal and prone to chin-scratching introspection, Franken is (beneath a confusing mass of conflicting voices) actually pretty conservative, and never hesitant to put his ideas into action. Despite a complete schism with his Republican leanings, I have to hand it to the guy: Things We Did Before Reality is an amazing listen, an obvious labor of love that is as funny as it is random. Franken's stream-of-conciousness ramblings involve a huge cast of characters (all performed by the man himself), an arsenal of sound effects and weird references, even a healthy dose of original music. This is probably the most obscure podcast you'll find on this list, and undeservingly so.

Pros: REALLY FUNNY.
Cons: No new episodes in over a year, looks like a limited run...?

- Out There Radio

Man, I listen to waaayyyy too many comedy podcasts. Shit.
Anyway, next up on the list is Out There Radio, a conspiracy-themed 50-part series created several years ago by two college dudes in Georgia. Now, I've gone through my share of "conspiracy" podcasts, and without fail, ALL of them except Out There have fallen by the wayside. You see, conspiracy theory-based podcasts always fall prey to one of two downfalls: they either A) are super boring, or B) have awful production (basement-dwelling conspiracy nuts rarely get the feedback the need to correct such issues). Out There succumbs to neither, and as a result, remains an all-time favorite. Running the gamut from UFOs to Satanism to mass suicide to the JFK assassination/Warren commission to Nazi cults to 2012 to Charles Manson, show topics are engaging and well-researched, and the hosts are wise enough to present both sides of every case while endorsing neither. As a bonus, when you subscribe to Out There on iTunes, you also get a couple dozen episodes of a Disinformation series these same guys did, super recommended all around.

Pros: Hugely informative.
Cons: Defunct.

- Requiem Metal Podcast

... And onward to the METAL podcasts! I've spoken about Requiem at length here on IllCon before, but allow me to repeat myself once again: this is a GREAT show, and has turned me on to a shit-ton of previously-undiscovered gems (mostly Swedish) in the recent past. Hosts Mark and Jason have put in decades of service to the metal cause, and it shows in the quality of their work. While my taste in metal doesn't always converge with theirs (come on, guys, that new Cathedral is AWFUL!), I don't really expect it to either, as metal is a splintered prism of fractalized preferences and styles. These guys love ALL of it, which is why the show works so well.

Pros: Hugely informative.
Cons: A whole show abouth the fucking DEFTONES? Really?

- MetalCast

Double that previous statement for MetalCast: The Ultimate Metal Show. This international endeavor is extremely heavy on the symphonic Italian power metal, gothic Grecian power metal, Finnish psychedelic power metal, etc. etc. etc.--long story short, lots of stuff that I don't really care about. But it is formatted, like Superego, in CHAPTERS, making it really easy to skip forward and backward over songs to get to the good stuff. MetalCast is actually a pretty awesome resource for exposure to new metal, and, like several other podcasts here, their archives are enormous. Like Requiem, MetalCast is a great way to discover music you would never be exposed to otherwise, and the thick-ass accents present on the entire rotating cast of hosts are pleasing to the ear as well.

Pros: At least one exciting discovery per episode. What the Hell is a Nader Sadek?
Cons: Power metal. Power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal power metal. Power metal.

- StarTalk Radio

OK, metal's over. Good metal podcasts are hard to find, or maybe I'm just too picky...?
Either way, we're now getting into the intellectual stuff, so I won't blame all you knuckle-dragger if you want to bail now. Gone? OK cool.
StarTalk Radio, hosted by "celebrity astrophysicist" Neil DeGrasse Tyson (you may have seen him on The Colbert Report or The Daily Show), succeeds in its goal of making science--both celestial and terrestrial--accessible to the common fuckup, by relating the basic tenets of physics and biology to pop culture, whether it be movies, comic books, sports, or music. By avoiding the humdrum lecture style of the average science teacher, Tyson makes science an engaging topic, and by bringing the odd comedian on as a sidekick manages to keep conversation light and goofy. But be careful, because you might end up actually learning something.

Pros: LEARNING CAN BE FUN!
Cons: Neil DeGrasse Tyson is kind of a smug bastard. He seriously introduces himself as "Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson" in EVERY EPISODE.

- H.P. Podcraft.com

Depending on your literary preferences, you probably either love or hate Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Me, I reside firmly in the former camp, although I think everyone can agree that his style of prose is convoluted, confusing, heavy-handed, and over-wrought. Luckily, the dudes over at the H.P. Lovecraft Literary Podcast have your back, creating a show that can be viewed almost as high-production-value audio Cliff Notes of the man's work. Seamlessly fusing sound effects, readings via actors from the original text, and extensive plot analysis and insight (their exploration of At The Mountains of Madness is at 5 hour-long episodes and counting), HPPodcraft is an excellent companion piece to the writings of one of horror's greatest minds, and will most likely help you parse some of Howard's most heinous run-on sentences--with a dash of macabre humor.

Pros: Will allow you to reference Lovecraft's work much more freely and accurately in mixed company. Chicks are WAY into that.
Cons: Niche interest. I doubt many people will enjoy this one as much as I do.

- Dan Carlin's Hardcore History

I don't really know much about Dan Carlin outside of this podcast, but it was recommended from several different sources and I'm glad I checked it out. Wanna listen to a seven-plus hour history of ancient Rome with ALL of the gore, murder, incest, and baby-sacrifice intact? Good! Carlin's got you covered, breaking down several of history's greatest epochs into lascivious, easily-digestable 90-minute chunks. I don't really consider myself a big history buff, but Hardcore History expounds on humanity's finest (and most deplorable) hours in a way that is both interesting and informative, and even though I'm not sure if more episodes will be made or not, there is plenty here to keep you busy for dozens of morning commutes.

Pros: More "smart" podcasting. Might as well stimulate your brain cells while you slowly destroy your eardrums.
Cons: Dry-er than Barbara Bush's vagine.

- This American Life

Okay. I admit it.

Pros: What, are you too "cool" to sit down and just listen to a GOOD FUCKING STORY every now and then? Jesus man, get over yourself. Asshole.
Cons: Listener may or may not develop brown corduroy patches on elbows of jacket, listener may or may not sprout ponytail, spectacles, or bad facial hair, listener may or may not find him/herself driving a Prius or visiting local Farmer's Market more than once daily.


So there you have it. The 20 podcasts that I subscribe to, in no particular order. What buried treasures are YOU CLOWNS listening to these days? Comments section, go!

A Crash Course In Second-Tier 80's Cartoons Fueled By Equal Parts Nostalgia And NyQuil

Oops. It appears I've fallen down another rabbit hole. Hopefully, like me, you're sick as Hell and laid up on your couch, because this is going to take awhile. It started with me looking for a few old cartoons on YouTube. Hours later, eyeballs dry and carpal tunnel setting in, I realized it would be a criminal act if I didn't share.
I honestly couldn't keep this list any shorter than 20 shows, running the entire gamut of my cartoon-watching career. You can get most of these on DVD now, which I highly recommend doing if you're a cynical old codger like me. All of these shows are still better than just about anything you can find on television these days, what a shame that the majority of them ran for only one season or less...
Oh well, kick back and enjoy a healthy dose of nostalgia with 'ol Uncle Cobras, and, as always, feel free to add your own favorites in the comments section...


ULYSSES 31 (1981-82)



"The plot line of the series, (made by the French Jean Chalopin), describes the struggles of Ulysses and his crew against the divine entities that rule the universe, the ancient gods from Greek mythology. The Gods of Olympus are angered when Ulysses, commander of the giant spaceship, Odyssey, kills the giant Cyclops to save a group of enslaved children, including his son. Zeus sentences Ulysses to travel the universe with his crew frozen until he finds the Kingdom of Hades, at which point his crew will be revived and he will be able to return to Earth. Along the way they encounter numerous other famous figures from Greek mythology given a futuristic twist."

I was a little too young for Saturday morning cartoons when Ulysses 31 first came out (only 2 or 3), but I remember thinking it was pretty badass when I discovered it at an older age. Probably one of the finest sci-fi interpretations of Greek mythology ever created outside of Dan Simmons' Ilium/Olympos...


DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (1983-85)



"The general premise of the show is that a group of children are pulled into the "Realm of Dungeons & Dragons" by taking a magical dark ride on an amusement park roller coaster. Invariably, the children try to return home, but often take detours to help people, or find that their fates are intertwined with the fate of others. Upon arriving in the Realm, the children are a little out of place, but the Dungeon Master, named for the referee in the role-playing game, assuming the role of their mentor, appears and gives them each clothing and magical paraphernalia to suit their abilities."

Some of my earliest cartoon-related memories are of this epic D&D tie-in, so old and foggy were my recollections that watching episodes recently nearly brought a tear to my eye. And how rad is it that the Yoda-esque wizard dude is literally named The Dungeon Master?


MIGHTY ORBOTS (1984)



"The 23rd Century, the future is a time of robots and aliens. The people of Earth have banded together along with several other peaceful alien races to promote peace throughout the galaxy, forming the United Planets. As part of the United Planets, the Galactic Patrol — a body of law-enforcers — works to maintain order, under the leadership of Commander Rondu. However, a powerful criminal organization called SHADOW is out to destroy both the Galactic Patrol and the U.P. Led by Umbra, a massive cyborg-computer, SHADOW employs sinister agents and incredible schemes to attack and someday rule over all corners of the known-galaxy. There is one thing that helps to fight against SHADOW: ingenious inventor Rob Simmons — secretly a member of the Galactic Patrol — creates six special robots who can use their unique powers to battle against the forces of Umbra. Together, these robots can unite to form a giant robot called Mighty Orbot, to fight for truth, justice and peace for all."

Pretty much just a Voltron rip-off, but still pretty spectacular in its own right...


POLE POSITION (1984)



"The show featured three young sibling crime fighters, two of whom were stunt drivers and part of a secret government operation under the guise of the "Pole Position Stunt Show" that was run by their uncle. The youths inherited the role after their parents died in an unfortunate car accident. The team is equipped with two high-tech talking vehicles named "Roadie" and "Wheels". The vehicles featured numerous hidden gadgets like water skis and hover jets. The vehicles' computers themselves are portable and can be removed from the dashboards and carried around using handles (thus they are often referred to as "the modules"). They are characters that appeared as computer-drawn faces displayed on video screens."

Again, many early cartoon memories swirl around this show as well, vivid scenes of Saturday mornings armed with naught but pajamas and a bowl of Cheerios...


JAYCE And The Wheeled Warriors (1985, syndicated 1989-91)



"The show featured two duelling forces. The "good guys" are humans, called the Lightning League. They drive white and silver vehicles with assorted weaponry, and are led by Jayce. The "bad guys" are organic green vegetable-based creatures called the Monster Minds, who tend to take the shape of black and green vehicles. They travel via large green organic vines which can grow in and across interstellar space, and sprout seeds that rapidly grow into further Monster Minds. They are led by Saw Boss."

This show just plain rules, always has and always will. The vehicles were awesome, the villains were awesome, the toy line was fucking kick-ass. How long until we see a Hollywood Jayce "re-imagining", you think?


GALTAR And The Golden Lance (1985)



"The series is about the mythical adventures of three companions: Galtar, Princess Goleeta, and her younger mind controlling brother, Zorn. Galtar, with the help of his Golden Lance, is fighting with Tormack, the tyrannical usurper of the kingdom of Bandisar who is conquering their entire world. Tormack is responsible for the death of both Galtar's parents and assassinating the rest of Goleeta and Zorn's family. Tormack, among others like him, covets the power of Galtar's supernatural weapon, the Golden Lance, in order to combine it with the stolen ancient and indestructible Sacred Shield, which rightfully belongs to Goleeta and Zorn. For whoever holds both cannot be brought down in any form of combat. Also aiding Galtar and his friends are his loyal horse, Thork and the powerful red dragon known as Raven's Claw. Further hindrances (plus comic relief) to this trio comes from inept father and son mercenaries Rak & Tuk, who have a history of double crossing others at every turn, claiming that it is the only work they know."

Kind of a weird and obscure one, Galtar bit He-Man pretty hard, but the plain and honest truth is that this show was better drawn and had way cooler story lines. And no Orko.


M.A.S.K. (1985-86)



"A total of 75 syndicated episodes of 'M.A.S.K.' were broadcast from 1985 to 1986. One of many cartoons produced during the 1980s as a vehicle for toy merchandising, 'M.A.S.K.' (which is an acronym for the Mobile Armored Strike Kommand), was a hybrid of popular era cartoons 'G.I. Joe' and 'The Transformers'. It featured a special task force featuring an array of characters, led by Matt Trakker, with transforming vehicles engaged in an ongoing battle against the criminal organization V.E.N.O.M. (an acronym for the Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem), with an emphasis on super-powered helmets called masks worn by the characters on the show."

All about the toy line and comic book on this one. Sure, the cartoon was pretty great too, but the little tools, helmets, and weapons that the action figures came with? Forget about it.


CHUCK NORRIS: Karate Kommandos (1986)

(Seriously, try to count how many times the announcer says "Chuck Norris" in this intro.)



"This fictionalized version of Norris is a United States government operative with a team of "radically diverse" warriors known as the Karate Kommandos. Together, they fight against the organization VULTURE led by The Claw and his right-hand man Super Ninja."

As far as I'm concerned, this was the high point of Mr. Norris' career. Well, this and Sidekicks , with Jonathan Brandis.


GALAXY HIGH (1986)



"Two earth teenagers who are accepted into the interstellar high school, Galaxy High School on the asteroid Flutor. The teenage boy, Doyle, was a skilled athlete and popular, while the teenage girl Aimee was shy and as the theme song states, "the smartest girl in school, not very popular, not very cool." But once in space their roles are somewhat reversed. The alien teenagers seem to accept the not so popular Aimee, while Doyle tends to rub the aliens the wrong way. Although Doyle finds himself an outcast and having difficulties adjusting, Aimee does not abandon him, and suggests he can make friends and bring glory to Galaxy High through his excellent sporting abilities, which he does by winning a championship in "psych-hockey", which Galaxy High always lost. The show drops many hints of a budding romance between Doyle and Aimee but was never given time to grow due to the show not being renewed for a second season."

I had totally forgotten about this one for several years, but Galaxy High was actually pretty cool. More on the 'comedy' side than the 'action-adventure' fare I usually enjoyed, but enough sci-fi was thrown in that it remained relevant to my interests.


SilverHawks (1986)



"Bionic policeman Commander Stargazer recruited the SilverHawks, heroes who are "partly metal, partly real," to fight the evil Mon*Star, an escaped alien mob boss who transforms into an enormous armor-plated creature with the aid of Limbo’s Moonstar. Joining Mon*Star in his villainy is an intergalactic mob: the snakelike Yessman, the blade-armed Buzz-Saw, the "bull"-headed Mumbo-Jumbo, weather controller Windhammer, shapeshifter Mo-Lec-U-Lar, robotic card shark Pokerface, weapons-heavy Hardware, and "the musical madness of" Melodia (uses a "keytar" that fires musical notes)."

How this amazing series only ran one season I'll never understand, especially since it came from the same creators as the hugely successful ThunderCats. The action figures were excellent as well.


The Adventures of The GALAXY RANGERS (1986-89)



"The show is set in the future, some time after the year 2086, when two aliens from the planets Andor and Kirwin travel to Earth to search for allies against the expansionist Crown Empire led by the Queen of the Crown. In return for the help, the two aliens gave mankind construction plans for a hyperdrive device. After this key event in human history, interstellar travel flourished and a huge number of colonies emerged in distant star-systems. Alongside the growth of human activities in space, criminal activities also grew, and the new colonies required defense against various threats, including the Crown Empire. A group known as "BETA" (Bureau for Extra-Terrestrial Affairs) was founded to cope with these tasks, with a "Ranger" division being a part of it."

The "animated space western" always seemed like a woefully under-explored sub-subgenre, but the fact that this lesser-known series actually stuck it out for three whole seasons lends it a little credence. This was quite simply a really creative, awesome show.


VISIONARIES: Knights of The Magical Light (1987)



"Set on the planet Prysmos, the Visionaries consist of two groups of knights — the Spectral Knights and the Darkling Lords. They are both called to for a competition by the wizard Merklynn. After surviving traps, dangerous creatures, and each other, the survivors on both sides are rewarded. Everyone of them is given a different animal totem which appears on the front of their armor, which they can turn into. The animals are selected by Merklynn based on their personalities."

I had a bunch of the action figures, but if memory serves, the vehicles were where it's at. The show was good too, I still have several episodes tucked away on VHS somewhere...


SPIRAL ZONE (1987)



"On June 18, 2007 renegade military scientist Dr. James Bent uses a hijacked space shuttle to drop his deadly Zone Generators across half of the Earth, a region called the Spiral Zone (due to its shape). Millions of people are trapped in the dark mists of the Spiral Zone and transformed into Zoners with lifeless yellow eyes and strange red patches on their faces. Because they have no will to resist, Bent - now known as Overlord - makes them his slave army and controls them from the Chrysler Building in New York City...
... With major cities Zoned, the nations of the world put aside their own differences in order to fight off the Black Widows. However, only five soldiers using special suits to protect themselves from the Zone could do it. While easy to destroy, Zone Generators were impossible to capture because of booby traps. Overlord would drop more generators on remaining military and civilian centers and force the Zone Riders into a standoff."

Dude. Epic post-apocalyptic zombie warfare. This was a cartoon that would give you fucking nightmares. I actually wouldn't mind seeing a movie version of this one. Christopher Walken as Overlord?


BraveStarr (1987)



"BraveStarr is an American space Western animated television series. The original episodes aired from September 1987 to February 1988 in syndication. It was created simultaneously with a collection of action figures. BraveStarr was the last animated series produced by Filmation and Group W Productions that was broadcast. "Bravo!", a spin-off series (originally called "Quest of the Prairie People") was in production along with "Bugzburg" when the studio closed down...
... Like many of Filmation's TV series (including 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe', 'She-Ra: Princess of Power', 'Shazam', 'The Secret of Isis', and the animated 'Ghostbusters'), a moral lesson is told at the end of each episode. One particularly notable episode is "The Price," in which a boy buys a drug called "spin," a hallucinogen similar to LSD, becomes addicted to it, and dies from an overdose."

I remember the toys for this show being really awesome as well, although I don't recollect ever owning any. That bipedal, anthropomorphic horse always freaked me out, though...


DINOSAUCERS (1987-88)



"The show follows the Dinosaucers and their battles against the evil Tyrannos. Each group is composed of intelligent anthropomorphic dinosaurs or other prehistoric reptilian species. The Dinosaucers are also allied with four humans known as the Secret Scouts. The two groups originally come from a planet in a counter-Earth orbit known as Reptilon. Most of the characters are named after the type of prehistoric animal they are based on, or some pun of the name."

Great show, but I never really got a handle on the name. DinoSAUCERS? Really?


DINO RIDERS (1988)



"The series focuses on the battle between the good Valorians and evil Rulons on prehistoric Earth. The Valorians were a super human race, whilst the Rulons were a mixture of humanoid creatures — both of which came from the future, however ended up transported back in time to the age of Dinosaurs. Once on Earth, the Valorians befriended dinosaurs whilst the Rulons brain-washed them."

Hands down, BEST ALSO-RAN 80'S CARTOON EVER. The concept alone sold me, but the episodes themselves live up to the hype. Mechanized warrior dinosaurs? Where do I sign up?


C.O.P.S. (1988-89)



"The year: 2020. The place: Empire City. The situation: Brandon “Big Boss” Babel (along with his gang of crooks) is holding the entire city under the palm of his iron hand and the Empire City Police Department can do nothing to stop him. As a last resort, Mayor Davis sends in Special Agent Baldwin P. Vess (Codename: Bulletproof) to take him down. However, Bulletproof suffered very serious injuries in a car wreck during a fight with Big Boss' criminal henchmen and had to be taken to the hospital, where he is given a cybernetic bullet-resistant torso to save his life as it would take years for his torso to recover."

Better than the other COPS and killer action figures to boot!


VYTOR: The Starfire Champion (1989)



"Armed with the magic shield Vytor, along with the beautiful Skyla and his friends, battle Myzor Sarcophogus for the Starfire Ring and try to recover the Saturn Orb."

Probably the most obscure cartoon on this list, Vytor was nonetheless amazing, and can be found on DVD in modern times. The video up there just captures such a sense of wonder, of all-encompassing nostalgia... Man, I miss you, Vytor.


CAPTAIN N: The Game Master (1989-91)



"At the outset of the first episode the hero of the series, Kevin Keene, a teenager from the Northridge, Los Angeles, California, and his dog, Duke, are taken to another universe known as Videoland when they are sucked into a vortex, called the Ultimate Warp Zone, that formed in his television. In order to fulfill an ancient prophecy Kevin is destined to become the hero "Captain N: The Game Master" and save Videoland from evil forces, led by Mother Brain from the floating world/fortress called Metroid. By the time Kevin arrives on the scene, Mother Brain has almost succeeded in capturing the Palace of Power and conquering all Videoland."

It was like playing Nintendo without the hassle of actually using your hand muscles! Or brain! Genius!


THE PIRATES OF DARK WATER (1991-93)

(No embeddable versions of the intro on YouTube, enjoy a "fan trailer" instead.)



"The Pirates of Dark Water is a fantasy animated series produced by Hanna-Barbera in 1991. The series followed a group of adventurers on a quest to collect the Thirteen Treasures of Rule, which possessed the combined power to stop an evil substance known as "Dark Water" from consuming the alien world of Mer."

By the time Pirates of Dark Water came out, I was just about grown out of my cartoon phase, moving on to other useless pursuits like girls and sports. But it was still an excellent show, a guilty pleasure for a young teenager unable to abandon his childhood outright. Plus, the female protagonist? BABE CENTRAL.