The 6 Shittiest Little Brother Bands Of All Time

Being the little brother of an established rock star is a mixed blessing. Sure you can get more hype for your crap band but you will forever be in the shadow of the dickhead that kicked your ass when you were little. Here at Ill Con Labs we have been doing extensive research on the phenomena of little brother bands and we have come to this conclusion: THEY ARE ALL SHITTY.

Deep inside Ill Con LABS

Through many years of studying we can now bring you the definitive list of THE TOP SIX SHITTY LITTLE BROTHER BANDS EVER (after the jump)!

6 - .38 Special

Legendary Lynard Skynard front man Ronnie Van Zant will go down in history as one of the most badass singer/lyricists of all time. Too bad his shitty little brother Donnie won't. Known for their famous earworm "Hold On Loosely," which is obviously about Van Zant's masturbation style, .38 Special will forever be known as one of the most frequent bands on the county fair circuit. Amazingly .38 Special have recorded a whopping TWELVE albums including a disastrous Christmas album. Catch them live since they are perpetually on tour playing venues full of people waiting for that "one song."

5 - Malo

This is Carlos Santana's little bro Jorge's band. Known for their hit "Suavecito" which should be familiar to any red blooded Chicano American. I have to admit that I have mad love for that song as a burrito eater of Mexican decent, but the rest of their 8 album output? SHIT SHIT SHIT. Admittedly Carlos has become a total flaming bag of musical poop himself over the last decade. However those first 5 Santana albums (Self Titled - Welcome) are mighty, brutal and heavy as fuck. That's right. I rep for early Santana!

PS: Malo is also perpetually on tour. I'm seeing a trend here.

4 - Powerman 5000

I don't even know where to start with this fuckface. Powerman 5000 is the brainchild of "Spider One," younger brother of one the worst rock vocalist of all time Rob Zombie. If you thought "Dragula" was bad then you have never heard "When Worlds Collide" the one Powerman 5000 song to hit the charts. He's actually a WORSE singer than his older bro which is saying something! These guys basically cornered the shitty soundtrack market, as their contributions to terrible soundtracks is mightily impressive. Here is just a partial list of the soundtracks they have appeared on in addition to their 9 craptastic studio albums:

Freddy vs. Jason, Bride Of Chucky, End Of Days, Zoolander, Universal Soldier: The Return, Little Nicky, Scream 3, Dracula 2000, Blade II, Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave, NASCAR Thunder 2004


And thats just the tip of the iceberg! SHEESH! The only movie in that list I'll stand behind is Zoolander, though I have not seen Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave which I must say intrigues me. I guess Blade II is OKAY.

3 - Adema

Fuck Bakersfield, CA for being a shitty town that gave us not one, but two of the shittiest bands of the last two decades. This band is fronted by Mark Chavez, who is the lil' half bro of the current King Of Dubstep, KORN's Johnathan Davis. Yes, this band got a record deal by riding KORN's coattails. How can they sleep at night? Can you imagine the groupies they get? Like Powerman 5000 they ended up on a bunch of b-movie soundtracks and still seem to be playing in some form or another. They are currently playing venues called things like "Bleachers Sports Bar" in Bristol, CT and have 4 amazingly awful albums under their belt  You remember their song. It's the worst. Fuck you, Adema! 

2 - Bloodcum

Ok this one gets a little confusing. The bass player in this 80s thrash outfit is the little brother of Slayer's Tom Araya. That is a fact. However the singer "Joey Hanneman" was NOT the brother of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman and they just gave him that name as a joke since they kind of looked alike. I guess they reformed in 2005 and play shows on and off. These guys get a pass because they aren't that bad and LOL "BLOODCUM" is a funnie name, but let's face it, compared to Slayer they completely suck.

1- Audiovent

Fucking hands down, without a doubt, no two ways about it, the WORST little bro band in the world ever is the steaming pile of dreck known as Audiovent. Audiovent is very special as 3 out of the 4 members are little brothers of the terrible people known as alternative rockers Incubus. THREE OUT OF FOUR MEMBERS. FUCKKKK ME! According to wiki:


Three out of four of the original members of Audiovent are related to members of the band Incubus. Jason Boyd is the brother of vocalist Brandon Boyd. Benjamin Einziger is brother of guitarist Mike Einziger, and Paul Fried is their stepbrother.


Everything about this band is utterly embarrassing for everyone involed. Their lyrics were juvenile at best. Riffs? Who needs riffs? The production sounds like my butt. Look at that motherfucker's half shirt. Makes me upset.


They achieved minor success in 2002 touring with other amazingly disgusting bands like Saliva (RIP) and Theory of a Deadman (lol).Also they are from Calabasas, CA which is the same suburban cesspool of rich white shitheads as Linkin Park and the Kardashians (they are Armenian but you get my drift). Thank god they broke up in 2004. Something we can all be happy about. 

Honorable mention: Roger Clinton

Little bro to our very own rockstar POTUS, Roger Clinton is famous for doing coke while Bill was Governor (which Bill later pardoned him from while in office!) and releasing a terrible album of whiteboy blues while his older brother was the president. Roger is also an actor appearing in such films as Fred Claus and Pumpkinhead II!

A true American hero! Roger Clinton we salute you!!!!!

Recent shot of the Clinton Bros. I would totally smoke a blunt with these dudes.

Check out this hot JAMMMMM! WALKIN' THE DOGGG!! OWWWWWWWWW!

When drawing goes wrong pt1

You may have seen those worst album cover lists going round on all the other, slightly less cool websites? Well I have been collecting my own bad album artwork for some time now and would like to present my findings in the first of not so often series. Despite a lot of these being anatomically incorrect I believe there is a certain charm present.

Its pretty easy to poke fun at metal art like this. Lets move on.

Bitches Sin showing a complete lack of respect for art history.

What makes this one so bad is the look of puzzlement on the barbarian's face. Or maybe its the sudden realisation of the situation he's in. Or the terrible font choice.

I spent 5 years at art college. The first lesson they ever taught us was that smudging is no substitute for shading. Druid's artist buddy obviously never attended art college.

I always feel bad about ragging on Pantera ( which I often do) but then I think of this cover and the feeling passes.

More recently we have this monstrosity. You would think with the obvious money this band have available for artwork and design they would try and avoid the "Amiga 500 game artwork" vibe the artist seemed to be going for.

I love Vision Of Disorder. But this cover still blows to this day. I have tried to work out what the theme was or how it links with the music. Always drawn a blank.

I sort of like this one. I don't know if its the homeless, crackhead criminal with his tattered shirt or the young lady enjoying the sunset unawares that does it for me.

This album actually contains some pretty sweet, pump up, montage-esque, Miami Vice jams. Sadly I don't know anyone that would want Russ Ballard leaping at them in 3D or even in real life. You didn't even get 3D glasses with it.

I can just imagine the brief for this one "The devil emerging from his cave/lava pit and trying to grab a flying horse." Pretty specific and I am pretty sure that's what they got by the look of this. This is actually my desktop background now.

Obviously there is nothing slightly wimpy about this cover other than the ink started running out as they where finishing the nude dude's torso shading.

All that is missing are the obvious lines on the A4 paper it was drawn on.

I had this written of as some terrible 7th generation nu-metal band going of this cover. Sadly, during this research I found out its a German Avenged Sevenfold covers band. I would like to think they have some concept of why a Werewolf is dressed like one of The Blues Brothers and running along the highway in the rain. But I really doubt that.

What makes this bad is the fact its got the Waking The Cadaver font at the top. Otherwise this would be a pretty sweet image. But the sudden association with terrible gore/slam/death malarky means it is relegated to bad artwork corner

Every one's favourite industrial elf surely knew this was a stinker from the get go. I don't know if this has any relation the the film/TV series of the same name or why he has chosen to show himself floating with a glowing aura. Completely unrelated, I remember hearing a story about Mortiis trying to hail a cab outside his record companies office when this album was out. They wouldn't stop so he was forced to walk the streets in full costume.

TO BE CONTINUED......

Doritos FUCK GOD 2K12

Isopods mackin on nacho flave is an internet CLASSIQUE!!!!

Why are Doritos so good? I don't know.

Most fat internet metal nerds like to eat Doritos and drink Mountain Dew but not us. Nope. At IllCon HQ "Mountain Don't" (lol) is a strict forbidden no no cuz it makes us fat and ruins our teeth. But Doritos are different because they are special.

Our favorites here at the HQ were Doritos Late Night: Tacos @ Midnight. These have been discontinued and we are really sad :(

They have a new kind of Doritos called DORITOS JACKED. Like pumped up crazy strong Doritos, bro.

Let's talk about what The Doritos Company is doing to make their chips appeal to younger eaters.

South By South West is a special musical festival created by Texas Instruments (inventors of the Speak and Spell) where brogrammers and fans of buzz bands alike get together to make killer apps while watching indie music bands. Doritos made a stage there for their new JACKED line of chips. It looks like a vending machine. Much like the one found in the Illcon HQ office.

This funnie little guy played on the stage with a hip brogrammer band called "White Denim" and he says they are "energy chips."

Taco Bell is also dipping their wick into the Dorito game with their Locos Tacos.

Please tell us your Locos Tacos story in the comments section of this blog post.

This is us eating Locos Tacos looking hella fucking hard before our podcast.

Do you remember the Dorito mystery flavor conspiracy?

Here is my favorite weird ass Dorito bag:

Lol Wut? I'll have foot in balls flavor please.

Can someone tell me what these Latino metal Dorito bros are talking about? I don't understand Mexican lol.

The Magical World Of Anthony Kiedis Fan Art

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed -Anthony Keidis

SANDWICH SMACKDOWN 2k12

OK, CHUDS, IT'S TIME TO PICK A SIDE. SUBWAY OR QUIZNOS!?
Both are complete garbage trash shit food but we eat them anyway.

Subway pros:
Cheap as fuck.
That magical bread smell!
Sandwiches are made by "artist" (I think they go to art school).
They are located everywhere.
Their spokesperson, Jared, is a really cool, cute dude.

Cons:
Shredded lettuce does not live up to its name.
That magical bread smell
Too many sauces, so little time!
Tomatoes taste like fish.
Breakfast.

Here is some advice regarding Subway breakfast from Hawaiian resident and "friend of the show" Grady. Heed his warning:

[15:28] grady: btw dont ever get breakfast at subway its disgusting
[15:29] cory: describe it to me
[15:29] grady : ok
[15:30] grady : i got an egg + cheese english muffin
[15:30] grady : they go
[15:30] grady : "do you want egg whites or whole eggs"
[15:30] grady : i go "whole eggs"
[15:30] grady : they reach into the little compartments where they keep all the sandwich toppings
[15:31] cory: right
[15:31] grady : and take out a PRE-COOKED pancake looking cold omlette
[15:31] grady : slices it in half
[15:31] grady : and tosses it in the microwave
[15:32] cory: ugh thats fucked up

Quiznos PROS:
Premium ingredients
MMMM toasty
Ranch dressing on MY sandwich? SIGN ME UP!
Those little guitar playing meme hamsters

CONS:
HOT LETTUCE
HOT LETTUCE
HOT LETTUCE

We do not have Blimpies and Jimmy John on the West Coast but I am intrigued.

There is a "metal" food truck called Grill Em' All. Lol.

hi

Check out this Arsenio guy have a very bad day with sandwich!

And now we will celebrate great sandwiches in movies.



My #1 is always and forever Gary Busey's meatball sub in Point Break. YEAH!

What is yours?

HAIL TO THE KING THAT NEVER WAS!!!

I think Steve Delchin is my new hero.

Tonight on Illogical Contraption: Dr. Jacob K. Ray and Open lines 10pm-Midnight PST on FFCFreeRadio.com

Great things like The Illogical Contraption Radio Program only happen once in a lifetime. Magic like this takes a special alignment of the planets, the gods shining their keen eye upon certain people and a special chemistry much like Billy Crystals and Meg Ryan in They Gort Mail.

By the way did you hear what Phil Anselmo said when he saw Kim Kardashian’s centerpieces at her wedding? “Now THAT’s a vulgar display of FLOWERS!” LOL LOL OLOLOL

Tonight we have writer/musician Dr. Jacob K Ray, AKA Alabama Jake, bestselling author of over 30 novels (no joke!). Including the classics SURF NAKED!, Spotting and Reporting Sex Offenders, Deadache and my personal favorite Drink Responsibly!: A How-To Guide for Drinkers who want to cut back. He’s going to tell us what life is like as a punk rock author living in a Kindle world and dishing out advice to YOU THE CALLERS.

Tonight @ 10pm-Midnight PST in Studio 1A on FCC FREE RADIO

Give us a call! 415-829-2980

Subscribe on iTunes

Email us illconradio@gmail.com

Open Lines tonight on Illogical Contraption Radio. 11/11/11 day. Yep.

Listen to IllCon Radio tonight @ 10pm-Midnight PST on FCCFREERADIO.com

“The Meaning of the 11:11 Time Prompts.

Those who are prompting you are Planetary Helpers, Secondary Midwayers or ‘lower angels.’ They are opportunists. They will vary the numbers to make you realize you are dealing with incredible intelligence, and they would like you to live a more spiritual life. They are all good guys and gals.

At this point in time more than 75,000,000 million people all over the world are getting the 11:11 pm and 11:11 am ‘wake-up’ and ‘reminder’ prompts, as well as other time-prompts like 1:11, 2:22, 333, and more. Some will see this as positive, some will fear, but this is the New Age – the Correcting Time — and the communication circuits to higher spheres have largely been reconnected. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, because the Lucifer rebellion was at last adjudicated in the mid 1980’s.”

LOL

CALL IN: 419-829-2980

EMAIL: illconradio@gmail.com

Subscribe on iTunes!

Illogical Contraption Radio 10pm-MIDNIGHT PST tonight on FCCFREERADIO.com

IllCon Radio returns tonight with a whooper of a program. Author Martin F. Dinner will be on to discuss his new self-published book The Morrissey Conspiracy! A hard hitting expose on the former Smiths singer's involvement in the murder of Princess Diana, The Illuminati and international mind control among other things. Pretty sure Moz is a racist too. After that it's open lines so give us a ringy ding ding at 415-829-2980.

Illogical Contraption Radio tonight LIVE in Studio 1A 10pm-Midnight PST on FccFreeRadio.com

Email the show: illconradio@gmail.com

Subscribe on iTunes!

Umm.. there's some creepy ass Calvin and Hobbes fan art out there.

No thanks to friend of the blog Grady for exposing me to this nightmare.