When drawing goes wrong pt1

You may have seen those worst album cover lists going round on all the other, slightly less cool websites? Well I have been collecting my own bad album artwork for some time now and would like to present my findings in the first of not so often series. Despite a lot of these being anatomically incorrect I believe there is a certain charm present.

Its pretty easy to poke fun at metal art like this. Lets move on.

Bitches Sin showing a complete lack of respect for art history.

What makes this one so bad is the look of puzzlement on the barbarian's face. Or maybe its the sudden realisation of the situation he's in. Or the terrible font choice.

I spent 5 years at art college. The first lesson they ever taught us was that smudging is no substitute for shading. Druid's artist buddy obviously never attended art college.

I always feel bad about ragging on Pantera ( which I often do) but then I think of this cover and the feeling passes.

More recently we have this monstrosity. You would think with the obvious money this band have available for artwork and design they would try and avoid the "Amiga 500 game artwork" vibe the artist seemed to be going for.

I love Vision Of Disorder. But this cover still blows to this day. I have tried to work out what the theme was or how it links with the music. Always drawn a blank.

I sort of like this one. I don't know if its the homeless, crackhead criminal with his tattered shirt or the young lady enjoying the sunset unawares that does it for me.

This album actually contains some pretty sweet, pump up, montage-esque, Miami Vice jams. Sadly I don't know anyone that would want Russ Ballard leaping at them in 3D or even in real life. You didn't even get 3D glasses with it.

I can just imagine the brief for this one "The devil emerging from his cave/lava pit and trying to grab a flying horse." Pretty specific and I am pretty sure that's what they got by the look of this. This is actually my desktop background now.

Obviously there is nothing slightly wimpy about this cover other than the ink started running out as they where finishing the nude dude's torso shading.

All that is missing are the obvious lines on the A4 paper it was drawn on.

I had this written of as some terrible 7th generation nu-metal band going of this cover. Sadly, during this research I found out its a German Avenged Sevenfold covers band. I would like to think they have some concept of why a Werewolf is dressed like one of The Blues Brothers and running along the highway in the rain. But I really doubt that.

What makes this bad is the fact its got the Waking The Cadaver font at the top. Otherwise this would be a pretty sweet image. But the sudden association with terrible gore/slam/death malarky means it is relegated to bad artwork corner

Every one's favourite industrial elf surely knew this was a stinker from the get go. I don't know if this has any relation the the film/TV series of the same name or why he has chosen to show himself floating with a glowing aura. Completely unrelated, I remember hearing a story about Mortiis trying to hail a cab outside his record companies office when this album was out. They wouldn't stop so he was forced to walk the streets in full costume.

TO BE CONTINUED......

Meco - Star Wars and Other Galactic Funk (1977)

We all know that there are plenty of things better than Star Wars and Illcon has made this public knowledge before. I mean, George Lucas has been shitting on his fans for quite some time now, what do you owe him? Nothing. Today's record is something that is also better than Star Wars.

The little dude above is a fella called Meco, Domenico Monardo to be exact. He was a pretty big name during the 1970's as a respected producer and trombonist. Playing on and producing records for Diana Ross, Neil Diamond, Gloria Gaynor and plenty of others. Things changed however, when in 1977 George Lucas released his cash vulture, Star Wars. Meco got pretty excited by this film. Even more excited by the stirring score courtesy of the always awesome John Williams. Meco hatched on the idea of creating a disco version. Of course, it was laughed at and not taken seriously. Who would believe that could work!

Meco believed and wouldn't let up. Luckily the score became a huge hit and the top brass relented, allowing him to see his idea through. Of course he would need a pretty sweet band to achieve this feat. The Sci-Fi Disco Band Meco was born.

Seriously

Despite looking like the outcome of letting Ming The Merciless assemble the Village People, the band managed to survive on the mean streets of New York for about 4 months performing live and providing a much needed visual element to this epic onslaught of disco. And it is an onslaught. The album contains the full 15 minute Star Wars suite encompassing the opening them, Imperial March, the cool flying music bits, all those schmaltzy parts and that stupid band in the bar. It also has robots dancing on the cover.

Meco - Star Wars and other Galactic Funk

Of course, a guy with the balls to disco a George Lucas cash cow must have a pretty sweet logo.

Meco proved the naysayers wrong. Those turkeys at MGM tried it themselves. look at the results...

VOMITORY - Redemption (1999)

The Swedish have always been pretty handy at this death metal lark. If you asked someone to compile a list of favourite death metal bands then surely at least one would be Swedish. Its just the law of averages. Today's post, Vomitory, are Swedish and play death metal.

Redemption is the follow up to the primitive Swede-death brutality of  1996's debut, Raped In Their Own Blood. Catchy stuff, but Vomitory refined the brutality and blasted those teenage Venom and Slayer influences into shape with this album. Catchy, thrashing buzzsaw guitars, drums that shift between all out blasting and d-beat, some monstrous breakdowns and those depth of hell vocals combine with a pretty flawless production job courtesy of Henrik Larsson. From the opening blast of "The Voyage" to the crushing tempo shifting finish of "Partly Dead", there is no let up whatsoever. Swedish death wins again.

GET IT

Encyclopedia Metallum

BRUTALITY

No Visible Scars

As my esteemed colleague, Judge Shredd, mentioned below, We are in the end times. You only have to look at the economic and environmental situations across the globe, the rampant crime and disease rates, mankind has run its course. Mother Nature isn't too happy anymore and Megaupload is gone. We are facing extinction.
During these bleak times you need bleak music to soundtrack those last few heartbeats and breaths escaping you as the world slows down.
No Visible Scars managed to gain my attention with the 1970's/80's Giallo/Exploitation/Porn inspired artwork and imagery, they're love of the timeless C-90 tape,  and the fact quite a few of the digital releases are free. Most Illcon followers should be able to relate to one of those. I decided to give a heads up on a few of the releases worth investigating.

Elders Of The Apocalypse - The Law Of Iron (2011)

Get it

Nasty and ragged, thrashy death metal by guys with nasty names such as Plague Bearer and Sadistik Slayer. I guess the term "war metal" suits this best. I can hear elements of Kreator and Sodom in there alongside some  Bestial Warlust black noise and a slew of suitably apocalyptic samples. Awesome cover art included.

Nightbitch - Sex And Magic promo (2010)

Get it

This is the one I have been digging the most. Comprising the smooth pipes of that dude from Hour Of 13 with some total NWOBHM riffing crossed with proto-Doom jams. THIS SHIT ROCKS. This was a 3-track promo for the EP of the same name. They don't seem to have much else available but they have connections to a whole host of other bands according to Encyclopedia Metallum.

Poison Tongue - Lick You Sweety (2010)

Get it

That cover seem pretty attractive doesn't it? Bit more left field this time. Poison Tongue is Giallo/Exploitation inspired noisescapes. Its not full on harsh noise ( though it gets plenty harsh in places) but more ambient and unsettling due to the schizophrenic changes in volume and pacing. Kind of like those quiet bits in between Goblin freak outs crossed with Beherit's noise tendencies.

There you go gang. They have the usual places online here and here. I'm digging this label a lot recently. You should to.

TREVOR JONES - Angel Heart OST (1987)

Mention the name Trevor Jones to people and they will probably shrug their shoulders with indifference. Mention the films Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, Excalibur, Runaway Train or Dark City and they might have heard of a couple of those ( you would hope they have, if anyone ever denies hearing about or seeing one or more of these films, they can't be trusted!). Well Trevor Jones was responsible for the music to all of those.

I could recount Jones's career and what not but you can read all about him on Wikipedia so lets jut skip that and jump to the post, his atmospheric score to Alan Parker's supernatural 1987 flick, Angel Heart.

If you are familiar with the film ( you should be, if not then rectify this personal failure), then you will know about the claustrophobic atmosphere and general creepiness it exudes. Trevor Jones managed to capture this mood perfectly with a score that feels like a constantly shifting musical suite rather than separate tracks. Starting as it does with the mournful saxophone and creeping synths before moving into the downtrodden blues and thumping heartbeat of the second half, punctuated throughout with sampled dialogue detailing Mickey Rourke's doomed search. Its been my "drive to work" album for the past few weeks, my co-workers hate me for it.

Saxual Healing

The film is streaming online and its easy enough to find so get on that as well. Rourke and De Niro on fine form.

COIN-OP MEMORIES PART 2

Back for more. Part 1 ( I'm not going to link it as you would miss the sweet Herpes post below ) whet your appetite about some classic arcade gaming. Well I have carried on my trawl through the arcade classics I remember and picked out more of my favourites that are worthy of a go still to this day. Lets get down to it.

Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja (1988)

One of those games that every arcade had, also one of those games that everyone had at home as it was ported to nearly every home computer going. Despite being easier on the home versions it still gave you a little more edge over the competition when it came down to playing it in public.
The game had you attempting to rescue President Ronny ( Reagan ) from the DragonNinja. You constantly get asked if your a bad enough dude to take on the job despite your character proclaiming he's "bad" after every stage. They ain't even satisfied when you beat the shit out of waves and waves of enemy ninjas, dogs, ladies in bondage gear and various boss characters.

Once you manage to defeat the the evil DragonNinja, you get this pretty sweet ending......

Lucky & Wild (1992)

This was the coolest game when I was a kid. For those of us that grew up watching Lethal Weapon, Starsky & Hutch and Tango & Cash, this was the only way to live out those fantasies. It wasn't a very popular machine due to the size it required, but you had hit gold if any amusement had it. First off, check the machine......

That's right! Driving as well as shooting! With two guns! It might be a common thing these days but back in the late 80's/early 90's, only Chase HQ had the police chase, shooting and driving angle really nailed. Lucky & Wild allowed you and a buddy to be cops chasing down and shooting the shit out of everything on screen.
Check the video.............

Mute the sound as its pretty annoying listening to some bozo talking through it.

Pretty sweet looking eh? The attraction of it was the absolute chaos it seemed to involve. You drove through malls and restaurants while blasting bad guys apart! At its heart it was a standard rail shooter, to my young mind it was the nearest I would ever get to being involved in high speed shoot-outs.

Hot bitches 

Plus sweet chase music

I am pretty sure this is the king of my mispent, childhood, arcade loitering.

Vendetta (1991)

At one point in time, any urban set, revenge themed beat em up wouldn't have been taken seriously if it didn't have the title screen set on a graffiti strewn brick wall. That was a cast iron certificate that you would see fist/face interface action. Vendetta was a sort of sequel to the Double Dragon rip off Crime Fighters, it was a pretty standard rescue-your-girl-from-nasty-dudes. Now, lots of games dealt with this theme, Vendetta changed it up with the chance to have 3 of your friends back you up. Allowing you to throw each other into enemies and such.

Vendetta added a ton more violence than Final Fight or Double Dragon had, this was what had me coming back. You could hold enemies down and wail on their torso, smash barrels over heads, kick down scaffolding, smash sacks of cement around their faces, tons of pretty rough stuff. Get your hands on a baseball bat with nails or a chain and you could carve your way through the enemies.

Hot bitches and fire.

Your gang is called Cobras.

Rogues gallery.

Did I also mention the pretty bitchin' soundtrack courtesy of Castlevania composer Michiru Yamane? You bet I did.

Personally, these where my favourites. I always had a few more that I played pretty regular like Captain Commando, Knights of The Round, Narc, Vigilante and some others. Anyone want to throw their own favourites in?

COIN-OP MEMORIES PART 1

If my parents had a list of things I shouldn't have spent my hard earned paper round money on then arcade games where public enemy number one when I was a child. Even more so than comics and records! I could happily piss away a whole weeks wage ( back then, that was a lot) inside of an hour at any number of amusement arcades dotted around my home town. I have always believed the appeal was the fact that you believed you would never see these games on your home computer, couple that with the amount of violence and the prison-art-therapy artwork adorning most of the machines casings and you had a sure thing when it came to relieving young people of money.
I recently spent a bit of time messing around with a MAME emulator and revisiting some of these games. Suffice to say, it becomes obvious you were not designed to complete most on a single credit. A few have held up pretty well while others still hold a small corner of my memory hostage. Following my research, these are my sure fire, revisit, classic arcade cash devourers.

Cadillacs & Dinosaurs (1992)

Cadillacs & Dinosaurs not only combined all manner of awesome things ( dinosaurs, cool cars, guns, post-apocalyptic story and girls) to appeal to a young man, but it also managed to keep me going back time after time. Despite being Mark Schultz's Xenozoic Tales bolted to the Final Fight game system, Cadillacs & Dinosaurs held my attention for years. You had guns! Final Fight didn't have those. You could kick the shit out of dinosaurs! Final Fight couldn't do that.

That's what you think dick neck.

The story had you fighting off poachers, mutants, bikers and various nasty types from messing with the balance of nature. That didn't really matter to me. The clincher was halfway through the first stage, being able to blast someone out of a window with a shotgun before punching a Rock Hopper (Raptor. None of the dinosaurs go by their real names) in the face outside in an alley! Throw in being able to smash through bikers and barrels in a car and I was sold. My pockets rapidly emptied.

Ignore the System of A Down tune at the beginning, Some people have a nerve.

A.B. Cop (1990)

AB Cop was the easiest of my childhood arcade adventures. Being as I once managed to complete it on a single credit, sadly there was no one to witness my amazing skill on that fateful day in a derelict amusement arcade in Blackpool. AB ( Air bike, air biscuit) Cop took the Hang On template of third person, full immersion racing ( you had a bike to lean left and right on, or if your arcade was cheap they just had the cabinet with handle bars ) and added enemies to battle. The levels all took the same route, ram various nasty biker types before confronting the boss. You then had to use your turbo charge to jump and smash him off the road to complete the level and get a satisfying thumbs up from your rider.

The main appeal of AB Cop was the difficulty scale. It was so easy to have a single credit and get through about 3 levels before you had to dive into your pocket for a follow up go. Once you worked out the main tactic for dealing with every boss ( jump, turbo charge. steer left/right, repeat) you could rampage through the whole game on a single credit. Of course the appeal of showing off to all and sundry in the arcade by reaching the completion screen of any game was impossible to ignore. No matter how easy said game was.

BEAST BUSTERS (1989)

Long before you could take cover with a fancy foot pedal in Time Crisis and such games, rail shooters gave you a big machine gun and threw waves of enemies at you. Beast Busters ( from the ever reliable SNK stable) was always the game I saw in arcades but never managed to actually play as they always seemed to place Operation Wolf or Rambo 3 in my way as a distraction. Luckily, I found a flea pit on a family outing that only had assorted pinball tables, Asteroids and Beast Busters. No contest really, sorry Asteroids.

The wafer thin plot had you as gun nuts trying to escape a zombie infested city. Gun toting zombies at that. Pretty ahead of its time stuff? The gore was a major factor in how cool I thought this game was. Enemies exploded in blood and bone pieces, green slime was everywhere, they had zombie bikers, Jason like hockey masked monsters and then along came the absurd bosses! A driverless Jeep that shoots missiles before coming alive! A typical 80's street punk that transforms into a massive dog! A floating eye made of bodies! Next level shit for any kid. Even the soundtrack was sweet.

It had 3 f**king guns!

Party Bus

Thanks to the wonders of MAME technology you can enjoy all these titles from the comfort of your own home. You don't have to worry about all those dodgy, blatantly criminal looking dudes that used to hang around arcades, you don't have to worry about putting your hand in the never clean ashtray that adorned pretty much every machine and you don't have to worry about any bigger boys coming along and shoving you over while you where playing. The world of arcade gaming is far less dangerous these days.

P.S. If anyone can help to hook me up with any of the soundtracks to these games or other arcade classics then that would be sweet.

Part 2 to follow.