Showing posts with label Graphic Violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Graphic Violence. Show all posts

Saturday, April 14, 2012

THE WEEK OF HONG 2: BLOODSPORT 3



Goddamn it, Seth. Why do you put me through this shit? I've been nothing but a friend to you, and how do you repay me? I'll tell you how: By making me sit through not one, but two goddamn Bloodsport sequels, and afterwards, I don't even get the small fucking dignity of forgetting about them altogether--OH NO, I have to actually write about the fucking things, in a way that's supposed to be "engaging" and "interesting". Well fuck you, Seth. Fuck you and the scraggly-ass VHS tape you rode in on.

Now where were we?
Ah yes, Bloodsport 3. The 1997 follow-up to the abysmal 1996 shitfest known as (surprise!) Bloodsport 2 (full-ish review HERE). I guess we might as well get this over with:



So this whole "Week of Hong" was supposed to be about the iconic actor James Hong, but to be honest, his character Sun gets killed off pretty early in this movie, being replaced as a "father-figure"/"master" by the twin team of Pat Morita (conspicuously absent for the majority of Part 2 in spite of his high billing) and a mysterious shaman called "The Judge". So, rather than dissecting Hong's performance in this particular film, I will instead use today's post as a vehicle to express my disgust at mid-90's-sequel-direct-to-video action fare, to further condemn Seth Goodkind and his frivolous journalistic requests, and to call attention to the fact that Bloodsport Fucking Four still lurks like a shadowy specter on the horizon, mocking me from the very pits of Daniel Bernhardt's dead, soulless eyes:

Click for full size and lol @ "The Most Successful Action Franchise Ever!"

This movie is ass. Surprisingly, it is slightly less ass than its predecessor, due mostly to the scene where a bad motherfucker named Beast kicks the shit out of the aforementioned Daniel Bernhardt and also the presence of comedy-dwarf John Rhys-Davies as the main antagonist. But yeah, it's pretty unbearable.
Bloodsport 3 suffers from a bit of an identity crisis: yes, they went and hired that same vaguely-European splits-enthusiast guy to pretend that he's JCVD again, and yes, the plot revolves around another "underground fighting tournament" (he has to sneak in to this one! How chilling!). But Bloodsport 3 ups the yawn factor by trying to incorporate some sort of 007 angle (Bernhadt's "Alex Cardo"--read as "Even Lower Budget Frank Dux"--has to get all dolled up in a white tux and flirt with some chick in a casino), a premise with is both laughable and a little sad. There is no intrigue, no sexual tension. Hell, there isn't even any Don Gibb.

I don't know. I don't even have enough words in my mental arsenal to fully disassemble the Bloodsport sequels and Mr. Seth J.G. Goodkind to the subterranean levels they deserve. But together, they sent me to the very deepest and darkest corners of my own private Hell, and the only way I can even attempt revenge is to suggest that others endure the same pain as I. Please experience Bloodsport 3 in all its glory forthwith:




MORE HONG HERE:

Monday April 9th
Fist of B-List - The Dynamite Brothers
From the Depths of DVD Hell - Big Trouble In Little China

Tuesday April 10th
Direct to Video Connoisseur - South Beach Academy
Lost Video Archive - Teen Lust

Wednesday April 11th
She Blogged By Night - Seventh Sin
Lost Video Archive - Cyber Bandits

Thursday April 12th
Booksteve's Library - China Girl
Lost Video Archive - Gladiator Cop
From the Depths of DVD Hell - Balls of Fury

Friday April 13th
Direct to Video Connoisseur - Caged Fury
Lines That Make Things - The A Team (TV episode)

Saturday April 14th
Illogical Contraption - Bloodsport III
Explosive Action - Ninja III: The Domination
Lost Video Archive - Blade in Hong Kong
Thrilling Days of Yesteryear - Bat Masterson and Checkmate


I made this:

Friday, April 13, 2012

A MESSAGE TO POST-DORITO AMERICA


ATTENTION:

IllCon Radio goes LIVE on FCCFreeRadio.com Studio 1A at 10pm PST this evening. We have an interview with ODERUS FUCKING URUNGUS. We have a special surprise co-host. We have fanny packs and articulated-toe shoes. We have interesting theories about the "Mars Monolith". We have a phone. Call us at (415) 829-2980. Subscribe to (and RATE!) us on iTunes. Shit is about to get real.

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!


Obligatory:


Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go rescue the President's daughter... FROM SPACE PRISON!

Monday, April 9, 2012

THE WEEK OF HONG: BLOODSPORT 2

Hong Kong

Chances are, you know longtime Hollywood "character" actor (read as: Asian guy) James Hong as either David Lo Pan in Big Trouble In Little China or Cassandra's Dad in Wayne's World 2. But the man is a prolific icon in the biz, working well over 500 roles in his 50-year-plus career, spanning from the original Godzilla movie in 1956 to Blade Runner to Call of Duty: Black Ops and beyond. Did you know he auditioned for the part of Sulu? It's true, and more than 40 years after losing the part, he faced off against the actor who won the role, George Takei, in an episode of Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated. This is just one in a series of fascinating factoids that make Mr. Hong not only a fan favorite, but a film legend and enigma unto himself.


In the spirit of utter and total Hong-worship, our very own Seth Goodkind (via his excellent blog Lost Video Archive) has instituted the multi-site WEEK OF HONG, in which but a few of the manifold films Mr. Hong has appeared in will be discussed and venerated, starting right here on good ol' IllCon with the mind-blowingly underwhelming Bloodsport 2. Similar activities have been perpetrated by Mr. Goodkind in honor of Linda Blair and Yaphet Kotto, needless to say it is an honor to once again be included in this mindless Uroboros of cinematic masturbation.

So where the fuck do we start with total lack of ideas and inspiration that is Bloodsport 2? I mean, there's just SOOO much to mock and so little time, I guess we just need to hit a couple major bullet points and get the fuck out before it gets depressing. Sound fair? OK.

A) Bloodsport 2 (released in 1996--8 full years after the original) stars NOT A-list action star Jean-Claude Van Damme as you might suspect, but Swiss impostor Daniel Bernhardt, whose laughably accurate JCVD impersonation runs deep enough as to include an innate ability to drop into full splits in any and all situations (see Exhibits A and B).

JCVD: Suffering stoicly the filmic martyrdom that is Bloodsport 2.

Right: Exhibit A.

B) The only actor with the balls (i.e. low account balance) to appear in both Bloodsport and its sequel was one Donald Gibb (read a full IC post on him HERE), who you know not only as lovable sidekick/doofus Ray "Tiny" Jackson but also as lovable villain/doofus Ogre in Revenge of The Nerds. I also saw him playing a Viking in a credit card commercial recently, but such issues are moot in reference to the subject at hand.

C) Mister Miyagi is in this movie for about 2 minutes. He is billed second. (Shades of Ozzy and Gene Simmons in Trick Or Treat?)



Left: Exhibit B.

D) James Hong is the highlight of this dismal cash-in, appearing as Bernhardt's trainer and mentor (PS Bernhardt's character, "Alex Cardo", is NOT in fact a continuation of JCVD's "Frank Dux"--despite the confusing quasi-Eastern-European accent, physical similarities, and aforementioned compulsory splitting). Hong's wizened "Sun" displays all the qualities that made him a star--a sense of dignity and knowledge spiked with a healthy dose of Eastern mystery, a command of his craft and natural grace both powerful and sublime, and an ease on screen to rival the very masters themselves.
But hey, everyone needs to work. Bloodsport 2 stands as an abysmal reminder that even the Gods of Cult Cinema need to pay their bills, and James Hong is no exception.

Brutal, just brutal.

Now watch the whole thing:




MORE HONG HERE:

Monday April 9th
Fist of B-List - The Dynamite Brothers
From the Depths of DVD Hell - Big Trouble In Little China

Tuesday April 10th
Direct to Video Connoisseur - South Beach Academy
Lost Video Archive - Teen Lust

Wednesday April 11th
She Blogged By Night - Seventh Sin
Lost Video Archive - Cyber Bandits

Thursday April 12th
Booksteve's Library - China Girl
Lost Video Archive - Gladiator Cop
From the Depths of DVD Hell - Balls of Fury

Friday April 13th
Direct to Video Connoisseur - Caged Fury
Lines That Make Things - The A Team (TV episode)

Saturday April 14th
Illogical Contraption - Bloodsport III
Explosive Action - Ninja III: The Domination
Lost Video Archive - Blade in Hong Kong

Thursday, March 8, 2012

THE IRON BUTTERFLY CONSPIRACY

Iron Butterfly, mid 70's. Philip Taylor Kramer pictured at far left.

I doubt that anyone with any sort of passing knowledge of music history doesn't know who Iron Butterfly is ("In-A-Gadda-Da-Vidda"?), so I'll hop right into the meat of this story without too much preamble. Let it simply be known that despite the fact that they produced only one hit song, Butterfly has existed in one form or another, on and off, for over 45 years now, experiencing probably double-to-triple as many lineup changes as IllCon stand-bys like Incantation or Napalm Death, all the while completely avoiding record industry trappings like "record sales" or "critical acclaim". They peaked in 1969, my friends, no secret there, but have managed to cling to life, like a horde of burnout zombies, ever since.
Today's story is only tangentially related to the band itself, insofar as it revolves around a dude (Philip Taylor Kramer, pictured above right with the sick pink Warlock) who played bass, sang, and played keyboards for the band for only 3 years (1974-'77), appearing on only two critically-panned albums (Scorching Beauty and Sun And Steel, both released in 1975). Taylor's story is a zany and mysterious one, and one that I was completely unfamiliar with until last week's episode of IllCon Radio (thanks to caller "Floyd from Arkansas" for the tip).

Philip Taylor Kramer's life story is speckled with high weirdness and scientific anomaly, to the point that his stint in Iron Butterfly remains a mere footnote. After his departure from the group, he acquired a degree in aerospace engineering via night school, which he applied to numerous technological adventures in the following two decades. Kramer's abrupt "disappearance" (death? suicide? transdimensional ascension?) in 1995 remains a mystery to this day, surrounded by rumor, conspiracy, and nefarious connotation.

Band photo from another early Kramer project, Gold. Phil is again pictured at far left.

Right: Photo of a skull identified as belonging to Philip Taylor Kramer, discovered in Decker Canyon (near Malibu, CA) in 1999.

After obtaining the aforementioned degree, Phil moved on to several odd pursuits, among them helping the US Defense Department develop a guidance system for their infamous MX Missile series in the 1980's (NOT the Brazilian thrash metal band). He rode the Silicon Wave of the late 80's and early 90's in Southern California, proving himself a pioneer in the fields of both facial recognition systems (see also: BIOMETRICS) and fractal compression (I still don't 100% understand how fractal compression works, but you can start HERE and work your way out).

Eventually (and strangely), he went into business with Randy Jackson (left)--NOT the American Idol judge/former Journey bassist, but brother of our old pal Michael. They formed a company called Total Multimedia, Inc., wherein Phil served as an executive from 1990 until his cessation-to-be in 1995. The company specialized in compression techniques for CD-ROMs (special focus on the previously-mentioned "fractal" offshoot), and their greatest claim to fame was that they "developed the first video compression capable of producing full motion video from a single speed CD-ROM" in 1992.
But Phil had other interests outside of business and CD-ROM compression. He had a burning desire to discredit the theories of one man, an evil tyrant whose ideas haunted Kramer to the bitter end:



Einstein: WHAT A DICK.
Seriously. Let's skip all the biometrics/facial recognition creepiness for a second and get down to the proverbial "brass tacks". Ever heard of a little theory called "special relativity"? I bet you have.

Wikipedia: "(Special relativity) generalizes Galileo's principle of relativity—that all uniform motion is relative, and that there is no absolute and well-defined state of rest (no privileged reference frames)—from mechanics to all the laws of physics, including both the laws of mechanics and of electrodynamics, whatever they may be. Special relativity incorporates the principle that the speed of light is the same for all inertial observers regardless of the state of motion of the source.
This theory has a wide range of consequences which have been experimentally verified, including counter-intuitive ones such as length contraction, time dilation and relativity of simultaneity, contradicting the classical notion that the duration of the time interval between two events is equal for all observers. (On the other hand, it introduces the space-time interval, which is invariant.) Combined with other laws of physics, the two postulates of special relativity predict the equivalence of mass and energy, as expressed in the mass–energy equivalence formula E = mc2, where c is the speed of light in a vacuum. The predictions of special relativity agree well with Newtonian mechanics in their common realm of applicability, specifically in experiments in which all velocities are small compared with the speed of light. Special relativity reveals that c is not just the velocity of a certain phenomenon—namely the propagation of electromagnetic radiation (light)—but rather a fundamental feature of the way space and time are unified as spacetime. One of the consequences of the theory is that it is impossible for any particle that has rest mass to be accelerated to the speed of light.
"

Would YOU trust this guy?

HELL NO. Philip Taylor Kramer, missile-maker, fractal compressor, digital-face-recognizer, and stony-hippie-bass-noodler, wasn't having any of this shit. His life goal was to disprove the theory of special relativity, to develop a "warp drive" via quantum mechanics that would not only negate Einstein's "you can't go faster than the speed of light" bullshit, but also open up the gates of the cosmos. After all, wouldn't the cancellation of "E=mc2" indicate such a possibility? Kramer believed so, but his highly-coveted personal research never had a chance to fall upon the unsuspecting public.

(Anyone else keeping up with CERN's baffling "beyond the speed of light" results over there at the LHC recently? Anyone? No?)

Kramer began getting paranoid about his studies, thinking that perhaps his ambitions about space/time travel might be ruffling some feathers with his previous employers (i.e. The Man). Shit started getting weird. I'll let Wikipedia tell you the rest:

On February 12, 1995 he drove to Los Angeles International Airport to pick up an investor. He spent forty-five minutes at the airport but failed to meet the investor. Kramer did make a flurry of cell phone calls, including one to the police during which Kramer said, "I’m going to kill myself. And I want everyone to know O.J. Simpson is innocent. They did it."
He was never heard from again. This led to a massive search, many news reports, and talk show segments including an episode of
The Oprah Winfrey Show, America's Most Wanted, The Unexplained ("Strange Disappearances," first aired 5/7/2000), and Unsolved Mysteries some years later. An article in Skeptic reported numerous conspiracy theories about his death.
On May 29, 1999, Kramer's Ford Aerostar minivan and skeletal remains were found by photographers looking for old car wrecks to shoot at the bottom of Decker Canyon near Malibu, California. Based on forensic evidence and Kramer's emergency call to the police, authorities ruled his death as a probable suicide committed on the day on which he was last heard.


Cool. Seems pretty tidy. No loose ends to tie up here, folks.

Seriously, if you've SEEN The Naked Gun, you know this guy's innocent.

According to Kramer's family, he had never displayed any sort of self-destructive/suicidal qualities and was, despite his well-founded paranoias, a pretty content and easy-going guy. After all, he was a millionaire.

According to evidence gathered at the scene, he died with 40 cents in his pocket.

Nothing to see here.

Here's the previously-mentioned Unsolved Mysteries segment in its entirety. Warning: the audio is utter shit (turn it up).



More on the Iron Butterfly Conspiracy via Above Top Secret.

Friday, February 24, 2012

JOHN MOTHERFUCKING CARPENTER - ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 SOUNDTRACK (1976)



I'll be honest with you guys: I ain't a big fan of John Carpenter's 1976 jam Assault on Precinct 13 (nor its 2005 remake, ugh)--after all, when you put that motherfucker side by side with JC's work in the 80's (The Thing, They Live, Big Trouble In Little China, hell, even second-tier shit like The Fog, Prince of Darkness, and 1994's In The Mouth of Madness) it just doesn't stand up. I mean, hey, what does? Nothing. That's what. But Precinct is still a good movie, to be sure: a study in isolation, paranoia, and xenophobia that plays out like an extended version of the police station raid scene in the original Terminator. It just came from a time when Carpenter was still in the process of perfecting his chops.

Speaking of his chops...

Goddamn this dude has a way of creating atmosphere with a Casio keyboard, a shit drum machine, and about six notes. He performed similar magic with the ultra-basic They Live score, but Precinct takes it a step further. The entire duration of this recording is basically a study on "variations of a theme"--never straying from the same tempo and basic root notes, only occasionally stumbling into dark alleys of either murmuring noise or complete silence. I've been heavily into shit like this lately--moody, repetitive horror/suspense scores, the more Euro the better.

I was stoked to see that WhatFreshHell over at The Living Doorway was giving new-school retro minimalist Moog-horror composer Umberto a spin recently, as I too have been basking in the man's meaty fart-bass and soothing synth as of late. I highly recommend visiting Umberto's Bandcamp forthwith if you're into that kind of thing, although a pioneer and/or innovator he ain't. Dude wears his influences on his sleeve when he isn't outright ripping them off--Goblin, Frizzi, and, of course, ol' Uncle John. Credit where it's due, I guess. Whatever.
Carp did it first. Carp did it best.

Download HERE
John Carpenter website/Last.FM



Today is Friday, February 24th.

Witch means:

a) You are either going to Eli's Mile High Club in Oakland to see Bell Witch, Worm Uoroboobyrobbybobdobbs 'R' Us, Alaric, Sutekh Hexen, and muthafuckin' APOCRYPHON tonight (get there EARLY! We are opening at like 7:30 or some such bullshit!), or:

b) If you are unfortunate enough to live outside the San Francisco Bay Area, you should tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com Studio 1A at 10pm for Episode 24 of IllCon Radio. I won't be there, so it will probably suck. But they have a demonologist or some shit coming on, so maybe it will be cool. I dunno. Call Cory, Erik, and Al at 415.829.2980 and give them some shit. Tell 'em Cobras sent you.

ALSO:

SRSLY GUISE SOOOOOO STOKED FOR THIS

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

COIN-OP MEMORIES PART 2

Back for more. Part 1 ( I'm not going to link it as you would miss the sweet Herpes post below ) whet your appetite about some classic arcade gaming. Well I have carried on my trawl through the arcade classics I remember and picked out more of my favourites that are worthy of a go still to this day. Lets get down to it.

Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja (1988)


One of those games that every arcade had, also one of those games that everyone had at home as it was ported to nearly every home computer going. Despite being easier on the home versions it still gave you a little more edge over the competition when it came down to playing it in public.
The game had you attempting to rescue President Ronny ( Reagan ) from the DragonNinja. You constantly get asked if your a bad enough dude to take on the job despite your character proclaiming he's "bad" after every stage. They ain't even satisfied when you beat the shit out of waves and waves of enemy ninjas, dogs, ladies in bondage gear and various boss characters.



Once you manage to defeat the the evil DragonNinja, you get this pretty sweet ending......



Lucky & Wild (1992)


This was the coolest game when I was a kid. For those of us that grew up watching Lethal Weapon, Starsky & Hutch and Tango & Cash, this was the only way to live out those fantasies. It wasn't a very popular machine due to the size it required, but you had hit gold if any amusement had it. First off, check the machine......


That's right! Driving as well as shooting! With two guns! It might be a common thing these days but back in the late 80's/early 90's, only Chase HQ had the police chase, shooting and driving angle really nailed. Lucky & Wild allowed you and a buddy to be cops chasing down and shooting the shit out of everything on screen.
Check the video.............

Mute the sound as its pretty annoying listening to some bozo talking through it.


Pretty sweet looking eh? The attraction of it was the absolute chaos it seemed to involve. You drove through malls and restaurants while blasting bad guys apart! At its heart it was a standard rail shooter, to my young mind it was the nearest I would ever get to being involved in high speed shoot-outs.
Hot bitches 


Plus sweet chase music

I am pretty sure this is the king of my mispent, childhood, arcade loitering.

Vendetta (1991)



At one point in time, any urban set, revenge themed beat em up wouldn't have been taken seriously if it didn't have the title screen set on a graffiti strewn brick wall. That was a cast iron certificate that you would see fist/face interface action. Vendetta was a sort of sequel to the Double Dragon rip off Crime Fighters, it was a pretty standard rescue-your-girl-from-nasty-dudes. Now, lots of games dealt with this theme, Vendetta changed it up with the chance to have 3 of your friends back you up. Allowing you to throw each other into enemies and such.


Vendetta added a ton more violence than Final Fight or Double Dragon had, this was what had me coming back. You could hold enemies down and wail on their torso, smash barrels over heads, kick down scaffolding, smash sacks of cement around their faces, tons of pretty rough stuff. Get your hands on a baseball bat with nails or a chain and you could carve your way through the enemies.


Hot bitches and fire.


Your gang is called Cobras.


Rogues gallery.

Did I also mention the pretty bitchin' soundtrack courtesy of Castlevania composer Michiru Yamane? You bet I did.


Personally, these where my favourites. I always had a few more that I played pretty regular like Captain Commando, Knights of The Round, Narc, Vigilante and some others. Anyone want to throw their own favourites in?