NORMAL MAN

At first he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

Then he was all:

But then he was all:

Sam McPheeters: The man. The myth. The legend.

Tonight on IllCon Radio right over HERE. 10 pm PST.

(415) 829-2980.

Go to his website.

Buy his book.

"I am a man with a glahr in my hand.
Oh and I am a bahr with a clark in my car.
So I feel the pump of the clag in my noshus,
And I feel so glotious when I fly my bonahr."

- Men's Recovery Project

I'M GOING TO STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

OK, maybe not.

I'm way too busy for such shenanigans, what with all my sweet guest appearances on heavy-metal-and-conspiracy-themed podcasts (OH HEY, did I mention that the "Illogical Conspiracy" episode of Metal Injection's Hand Ov Doom--featuring Yours Truly--is up now?), tours, forays in the IllCon clothing line, and the impending move from SF to Oakland... Shit, I've hardly got time to brush my teeth, much less accompany Extraterrestrial Nic Cage on his next adventure through the catacombs of subterranean Washington, D.C., searching for hidden messages in the text of ancient documents.

But long story short: The Apocryphon show in Arcata (Vallejo got cancelled--long story) was a fucking blast (see photos below for evidence), and thanks to all the die-hards who showed up. Dates are solid on our next Northwest tour, more on that in a second.

Now is the part where I devolve into an extended period of shameless self-promotion. Apologies in advance:

THIS SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH @ HEMLOCK, SF:

BADR VOGU

PRIZE HOG

APOCRYPHON

and motherfucking AUTHOR AND PUNISHER! Get a load of what this guy is all about:

What a freak.

Then, the following Friday, @ The First Church of The Buzzard in Oakland:

THE HAUNTING PRESENCE

MUKNAL

SUTEKH HEXEN

CRUCIFIXION (impossible to Google)

APOCRYPHON

Be there.

Then Apocryphon plays with Cerebrate (from Eureka) and Bone Sickness (ex-Funerot, Olympia, WA) at The Elbo Room Saturday, May 19th.

Then the mighty DALTON has a show at an art opening for our pal Ben Venom (remember him?) at Guerrero Gallery in SF with our bros Hazzard's Cure on June 9th.

Then Dalton is playing an epic "Rock and Roll Bro-B-Q/Fucking In Tents Fest" camp-out type thing in Half Moon Bay with Total BS (they're a Bob Seger cover band), Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers (they're a Zed Zed Topp cover band), Chablis, Bar Fight, and Girl Problems on June 16th. We might even get a mechanical bull for this one. Seriously.

Then Apocryphon is playing in Eureka Thursday, June 28th (local bands and venue TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing at Slabtown in Portland Friday, June 29th (local bands TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing The Kraken (formerly Galway Arms) in Seattle Saturday, June 30th (local bands TBA).

And then...

That's right, motherfuckers. Apocryphon with Anhedonist, Grave Miasma, Vastum, and fucking DEAD CONGREGATION at the Oakland Metro Friday, July 6th.

More summer shows to be announced in the near future. Meanwhile...

Check out IllCon Radio tonight for an interview with the porn-soaked YouTube enigma known as The Spelunker, whose Smut Cave videos were previously featured on the blog RIGHT HERE. Tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com at 10 pm PST, and J.O. into the vortex with us!

"unfortunately terms like 'tin foil hats' may be amusing but serve the purpose to discredit conspiracies before fact 1 has even been looked at. Well done for being patronising (sacracsm)"

- some guy commenting on my episode of Hand Ov Doom

T-SHIRTS, TOURS, DOOM, ETC... (The IllCon Empire Never Sleeps)

ATTENTION HESSIAN MINIONS: ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION NEEDS YOUR HELP!

First off, you can "help out" ol' Uncle Cobras by tuning in to the Hand Ov Doom show on Emerson College radio tonight, where I'll be appearing to discuss conspiracy theories, metal, conspiracy theories in metal, and all things great and small pertaining to the IllCon Universe. The show streams live 5-7pm PST (that's 8-10 EST, dummies) right HERE, then goes up in podcast form (via Metal Injection.com) right HERE. While you're at it, why don't you "help out" Metal Injection too, by heading over to iTunes and subscribing to their entire podcast roster, which includes not only Hand Ov Doom but a veritable multitude of excellent metal-oriented broadcasts as well: Metal Injection podcasts on iTunes!

Secondly, we implore the more artistically-minded amongst our dear readers and listeners to help us out with yet another podcast/radio-related item--of course, I'm speaking of the IllCon Radio T-Shirt Design Contest!
This really cool bro from Rochester, NY's own HTB Press has put an offer on the table in regards to producing some IC Radio-themed garb, and we're fully stoked on making it happen. The only problem: WE SUCK AT DRAWING THINGS. Can you draw good? Are you a fan of the show? Would you be interested in seeing your very own alien-smoking-a-bong-on-the-back-of-a-unicorn design emblazoned on the front of an IllCon Radio shirt, and would you be psyched to receive said shirt, for FREE, in the mail? Well shit, dude. The address is illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com. What the fuck are you waiting for? We'll accept sketches, written ideas, scribbles on bar napkins... Whatever. Let's do this.

Thirdly (and most important): Let's hook up some Apocryphon dates for this summer! If you're an Illogical Contraption reader, you're also undoubtedly an Apocryphon listener, so how 'bout you help out your favorite psychedelic deathgrind homies with a couple tips on booking West Coast dates? We've only got a couple small windows of opportunity to get out of town this June, and the specific dates we're looking to book are as follows:

- Thursday, June 7th: Eureka/Arcata, CA
- Friday, June 8th: Portland, OR
- Saturday, June 9th: Seattle, WA

- Friday, June 22nd: Los Angeles, CA
- Saturday, June 23rd: San Diego, CA

Do you live in any of these places? Where are all the metal-friendly venues and easy women? Who has the cheapest booze? WE WANT TO PARTY WITH YOU. Let's make it happen!
Again, illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com, or check us out (if you haven't already) on Bandcamp/Facebook/Last.FM. (Groovy DALTON news coming up in June as well, stay tuned...)

Speaking of epic tours:


This Friday...


Apocryphon is slated to devastate "The Dank Room" in Vallejo on 4/20, along with Short Fuse, Ill Content, Viral, and ZombieDeathFuck (Newtdick dropped off this one). Facebook "event page" HERE.

Then, Saturday:


Back up to the 'ol hometown (namely The Alibi in Arcata) for a night of cacophonous, sludgy, schizophrenic chaos with our best bros Hazzard's Cure. NOT TO BE MISSED.


Thanks again for your encouragement and support in all things IllCon. We'll be seeing you out on the road soon!

A MESSAGE TO POST-DORITO AMERICA

ATTENTION:

IllCon Radio goes LIVE on FCCFreeRadio.com Studio 1A at 10pm PST this evening. We have an interview with ODERUS FUCKING URUNGUS. We have a special surprise co-host. We have fanny packs and articulated-toe shoes. We have interesting theories about the "Mars Monolith". We have a phone. Call us at (415) 829-2980. Subscribe to (and RATE!) us on iTunes. Shit is about to get real.

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!


Obligatory:


Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go rescue the President's daughter... FROM SPACE PRISON!

SICK OF YOU

Attention, SCUM:

IllCon Radio will not air this evening, as myself and Cory will be attending Gwar/Municipal Waste/Ghoul at The Regency in SF this evening. Expect a full report from the deep nether-regions in the near future, detailing our soon-to-be-legendary adventures backstage with Oderus and the gang (full interviews with O.U. and The Waste coming up on next week's show).

U JELLY?

Image courtesy of Brother Danzig

So you might have heard that we have an internet radio show/podcast now. You can find it here (FCCFreeRadio.com):

BOOM

And here (Studio 1A, download the player straight to your iTunes for live streaming):

BOOM

And here (iTunes link for podcast/past shows):

BOOM

You can call us LIVE, on the air, to fuck with us. The number is 415.829.2980. We will most likely hang up on you, but it doesn't mean we don't love you.
We talk about lots of dumb shit. We are too lazy to write anymore.

Tonight's guest is some dude named Sergeant D who used to do Metal Inquisition, but now he does dumb shit like Stuff You Will Hate and the other Stuff You Will Hate and MetalSucks. You can check out his old-man-ranting on Twitter too. Not that anyone remotely interesting is on Twitter anymore.
Even though he likes stupid bands like Winds of Plague and Emmure, Sergeant D is a Supreme Bro. You should listen to this one.

I actually went to the future and made an animated .gif of what tonight's show will look like. Check it out:

C.H.U.D.s vs. Chads 4 Lyfe

SO BARRY MANILOW, MARILYN MANSON, AND LANA DEL REY WALK INTO A BAR...

Obviously Manilow, a fellow of discerning taste and impeccable judgement, decides to tune into Illogical Contraption Radio in Studio 1A tonight at 10pm, because he knows that, even though our hero and protagonist Shelby Cobras will be absent, an excellent interview with SWANS' Michael Gira awaits him there, and that things will undoubtedly get weird. Mr. Manilow decides to call in (415.829.2980) and give co-hosts Cory, Erik, and Al and extra ration of shit on behalf of Dr. Cobras. He even subscribes via iTunes. What a guy!


Mr. Manson--the second to walk into the bar--being an "edgier" and "hipper" fellow, decides that a metal show in Oakland is more his speed, and that his destination will be Eli's Mile High Club. There he will find the likes of Apocryphon, Old Crow (get a real website bros), Plague Widow, and the mighty Early Graves performing, and Mr. Manson knows that the combination of sick grind, piercing volume levels, and flowing liquor will get everyone present laid. Good work, Marilyn.

Ms. Del Rey is the third to walk into the bar. She decides that her best bet for the evening is to go see Saviours, Holy Grail, and (my best bros) Hazzard's Cure at The Elbo Room in SF.
It is a poor decision. She is summarily gang-raped and killed by an angry pack of stoned sasquatches.

Don't be like Lana Del Rey. Make the right decision tonight.

Deconstructing Disney Part 2, Tonight on IllCon Radio!

What's up, buttholes?
Not a Hell of a lot of time to nourish your brains today, let it just be quickly said that IllCon Radio is going to be fucking awesome tonight, as we are completing our 2-part 'Deconstructing Disney' series. Here's what Cory sez:

"We are very honored to have legendary Disney Imagineer Rolly Crump speak with us. Rolly worked very closely with Walt himself starting as an animator and eventually becoming a lead designer for Disneyland on such projects as The Haunted Mansion, It’s A Small World and The Enchanted Tiki Room. Rolly will give us a behind the scenes look at the crazy creative process and hidden backstage stories of the old days at Disney.

Also joining us LIVE in the studio is Leonard Kinsey, author of The Dark Side Of Disney, described as “The Anarchist Cookbook” of Disney travel guides. Leonard will give us the lowdown on how to have “adult” adventures at Walt Disney World. Yes, you too can have a vacation full of sex, drugs and rock n roll which truly makes it the happiest place on Earth."

Sounds like quite a show, but alas, there will be no Taco Bell Dorito Taco Locos Supreme featured this evening. Sorry.
Tune in here at 10pm, and don't be afraid to give us a call with your own psychedelic Disney stories at (415) 829-2980.

PS: I hinted at big things coming up on the podcast recently, and I'm now ready to release just a few:

1) Yes, the rumors are true. Gwar will be on the show in the very near future.
2) Yes, Municipal Waste will be on the show in the very near future.
3) Yes, my personal hero Sam McPheeters of Vice Magazine/Born Against/Wrangler Brutes/Men's Recovery Project/The Loom of Ruin will be on the show in the very near future.

That's seriously just the tip of the iceberg. More HUGE developments to be announced soon.
Buttholes.