T-SHIRTS, TOURS, DOOM, ETC... (The IllCon Empire Never Sleeps)

ATTENTION HESSIAN MINIONS: ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION NEEDS YOUR HELP!

First off, you can "help out" ol' Uncle Cobras by tuning in to the Hand Ov Doom show on Emerson College radio tonight, where I'll be appearing to discuss conspiracy theories, metal, conspiracy theories in metal, and all things great and small pertaining to the IllCon Universe. The show streams live 5-7pm PST (that's 8-10 EST, dummies) right HERE, then goes up in podcast form (via Metal Injection.com) right HERE. While you're at it, why don't you "help out" Metal Injection too, by heading over to iTunes and subscribing to their entire podcast roster, which includes not only Hand Ov Doom but a veritable multitude of excellent metal-oriented broadcasts as well: Metal Injection podcasts on iTunes!

Secondly, we implore the more artistically-minded amongst our dear readers and listeners to help us out with yet another podcast/radio-related item--of course, I'm speaking of the IllCon Radio T-Shirt Design Contest!
This really cool bro from Rochester, NY's own HTB Press has put an offer on the table in regards to producing some IC Radio-themed garb, and we're fully stoked on making it happen. The only problem: WE SUCK AT DRAWING THINGS. Can you draw good? Are you a fan of the show? Would you be interested in seeing your very own alien-smoking-a-bong-on-the-back-of-a-unicorn design emblazoned on the front of an IllCon Radio shirt, and would you be psyched to receive said shirt, for FREE, in the mail? Well shit, dude. The address is illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com. What the fuck are you waiting for? We'll accept sketches, written ideas, scribbles on bar napkins... Whatever. Let's do this.

Thirdly (and most important): Let's hook up some Apocryphon dates for this summer! If you're an Illogical Contraption reader, you're also undoubtedly an Apocryphon listener, so how 'bout you help out your favorite psychedelic deathgrind homies with a couple tips on booking West Coast dates? We've only got a couple small windows of opportunity to get out of town this June, and the specific dates we're looking to book are as follows:

- Thursday, June 7th: Eureka/Arcata, CA
- Friday, June 8th: Portland, OR
- Saturday, June 9th: Seattle, WA

- Friday, June 22nd: Los Angeles, CA
- Saturday, June 23rd: San Diego, CA

Do you live in any of these places? Where are all the metal-friendly venues and easy women? Who has the cheapest booze? WE WANT TO PARTY WITH YOU. Let's make it happen!
Again, illogicalcontraption(at)yahoo(dot)com, or check us out (if you haven't already) on Bandcamp/Facebook/Last.FM. (Groovy DALTON news coming up in June as well, stay tuned...)

Speaking of epic tours:


This Friday...


Apocryphon is slated to devastate "The Dank Room" in Vallejo on 4/20, along with Short Fuse, Ill Content, Viral, and ZombieDeathFuck (Newtdick dropped off this one). Facebook "event page" HERE.

Then, Saturday:


Back up to the 'ol hometown (namely The Alibi in Arcata) for a night of cacophonous, sludgy, schizophrenic chaos with our best bros Hazzard's Cure. NOT TO BE MISSED.


Thanks again for your encouragement and support in all things IllCon. We'll be seeing you out on the road soon!

SO BARRY MANILOW, MARILYN MANSON, AND LANA DEL REY WALK INTO A BAR...

Obviously Manilow, a fellow of discerning taste and impeccable judgement, decides to tune into Illogical Contraption Radio in Studio 1A tonight at 10pm, because he knows that, even though our hero and protagonist Shelby Cobras will be absent, an excellent interview with SWANS' Michael Gira awaits him there, and that things will undoubtedly get weird. Mr. Manilow decides to call in (415.829.2980) and give co-hosts Cory, Erik, and Al and extra ration of shit on behalf of Dr. Cobras. He even subscribes via iTunes. What a guy!


Mr. Manson--the second to walk into the bar--being an "edgier" and "hipper" fellow, decides that a metal show in Oakland is more his speed, and that his destination will be Eli's Mile High Club. There he will find the likes of Apocryphon, Old Crow (get a real website bros), Plague Widow, and the mighty Early Graves performing, and Mr. Manson knows that the combination of sick grind, piercing volume levels, and flowing liquor will get everyone present laid. Good work, Marilyn.

Ms. Del Rey is the third to walk into the bar. She decides that her best bet for the evening is to go see Saviours, Holy Grail, and (my best bros) Hazzard's Cure at The Elbo Room in SF.
It is a poor decision. She is summarily gang-raped and killed by an angry pack of stoned sasquatches.

Don't be like Lana Del Rey. Make the right decision tonight.

TAKE ME BACK, BABY

Apocryphon's new singer

Does anyone still read Illogical Contraption? I mean, I hope so. But my neglect for this, the birthplace of so so many strange and wonderful things, is utterly inexcusable. Truth is, my computer took a dump, and then my other computer took a dump, and then (Odin help me) I got caught up in Twitter (fuck you, I'm on Twitter now, so what?) and Tumblr and some other instant-gratification sites for awhile, and then I played a bunch of shows, and then I lost my mind for a little bit, and then I recuperated. But I'm back now, baby. And I brought you flowers. Can't things just be like they used to? C'mon baby, you know Ike loves you.

I will also gladly blame IllCon Radio for stealing my time, attention, and research skills--the show has gotten way less shitty in the last couple installments, and if you haven't yet, I highly recommend checking out both Episode 21 with Aesop Dekker and Genesis P. Orridge as well Episode 22 with Shane Durgee, amateur cryptozoologist and founding member of Earth Crisis. You should really just subscribe on iTunes, though (and rate us!). I'm pretty sure tonight's guest is Parker Bowman, that insufferable prick from Pool Party Radio and Junk Food Dinner. Also another guy. Or girl. So check that out.


Speaking of being too busy to write anything significant here anymore:

APOCRYPHON SHOWS!:

with: WORM UOROBOROS (basically my favorite all-female death metal band)
BELL WITCH
SUTEKH HEXEN and
ALARIC

Also!

with EARLY GRAVES
OLD CROW (No web presence yet, I guess. But they kick ass.) and
PLAGUE WIDOW

Also!

We're playing a show with BADR VOGU, PRIZE HOG, and this sick freak at the Hemlock in SF April 29th:



Also!

A short Northern California tour with supreme ultimate party bros Hazzard's Cure some time in April. I'll keep you all abreast of further developments, I swear. Here's to new computers!


Sorry again for the long absence, gang. I promise I won't ever, ever neglect you like that again.

OMG STATUS UPDATE!

Above: Shelby Cobras lives! Self-portrait shot 1/27/2012

Fuck, dudes!
First off, my apologies for all but abandoning my loyal public lo these past few weeks. Things have been more than a bit chaotic around Casa Cobras for a bit, and between Apocryphon shows, work, life drama, the podcast, and the unfortunate demise of Megaupload (with it 75% of the content uploaded to IC in the last 3 years), I just couldn't bring myself to face you all until I had my shit back together. Which I do now. Really. Don't mind the twitch.
Anyhow, I don't have anything ground-breaking or spectacular to drop on you guys today, just a quick how's-your-father to let you know that you still give me warm fuzzies in my man-parts. Also, a couple quick bullet points:

First off, Illogical Contraption Radio has been a fucking BLAST lately, especially last week's interview with David Liebe Hart (right), celebrated songsmith of Tim & Eric fame. Go listen to that if you haven't already, then stick around until 10pm PST tonight, when we'll be going live again. Wanna call us? Sweet! The number is (415) 829-2980, and we look forward to verbally destroying you with our far-superior vernacular and brain functions.
COME AT US, BROS.

(PS: The added bummer of the Megaupload shutdown is that several episodes of IC Radio, which never made it to iTunes, were stored therein, hence rendering them extinct to the ages. I've re-upped the surviving episodes to Mediafire as of today, but seeing as that particular file host will most likely be shut down within the week as well, I suggest you just man up and subscribe via iTunes.)

Who do we have on tonight's show, you ask?
What a wonderful question! Why, it's none other than the amazing FREEMAN, who blew our minds with tales of attempted murder by the Grateful Dead, the Friendship Bus, and CIA mind control via symbolism way back in Episode 7! I think it's safe to say that Freeman was one of the most enjoyable guests we've ever had on the show, and tonight's freak-out should be extra loopy, as our pet subject will be DISNEY AND BRAIN-WASHING. Dang.

ALSO. Apocryphon has a bunch of shows coming up (last weekend's shred-fest with HAZZARD'S CURE and Seattle's CRAWLIN' was the very definition of EPIC), so if you're in or around the Bay Area in February, come out and kick it with us. There's this:

Sunday Feb. 5 at Sub-Mission with PLAGUE WIDOW (they RULE), OLD CROW, YOUR ENEMY, HUMAN WASTE, and PILLAGER (just added)

Oh, and Dalton has a show at an art gallery with Street Justice on the 16th, then Apocryphon has another show at Eli's Mile High in Oakland with Worm Ouroboros, Bell Witch, Alaric, and Sutekh Hexen on the 24th. And let's not forget about the upcoming four-way split we're working on! I'd like to tell you more, but instead, I'm just going to post the best video ever uploaded to YouTube ten times in a row. If you play all of them simultaneously, you will achieve utter enlightenment and leave the plane of human material existence altogether. Enjoy:



HANG IN THERE, BROS!

KALIBAS - PRODUCT OF HARD LIVING (2002)

Credit to former Cretaceous/current Apocryphon bassist Jumanji for suggesting Rochester, NY's KALIBAS to me recently--dude is a Bro amongst Bros despite his misguided Republican ideals, and beyond the sick grindcore recommends he even stooped to being my stand-in date for a Devo concert at the Fillmore this Saturday past. What a dude.
Anyhow, Kalibas' ultra-chaotic brand of spazzy, sample-laden death fits in nicely with the ol' IllCon Value System, although it's their dirty-basement-dwelling, semi-DIY aesthetic that really sets them apart from the camo-shortsed pack of hyper-riffadelic Suffo-clones out there. This is DM with a big old set of nasty, hairy balls--crunchy as fuck and miles from the sterile, studio-perfect tech that we've all learned to settle for a decade later. Apparently, they broke up shortly after the release of this album, but realized the folly of their ways and re-formed in 2007, enjoying a second life that brought us the epic Rumors of Our Demise Have Been Barely Exaggerated in 2011. I recommend checking it out, along with the smattering of other demos and splits these Sasqautchian Malmsteenites have produced over the years.

They're no Devo, but they'll do for a lazy Monday afternoon.
Your face = melted.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Metallum/Last.FM


ALSO:


Episode 18 of Illogical Contraption Radio is now up for download and streaming HERE.

Get lost in labyrinthine conspiracies about Kubrick’s The Shining with a cavalcade of goofy guests: our old pal Dr. Franklin Ruehl, drag goddess Peaches Christ, filmmaker Rodney Ascher, and Excepter’s John Fell Ryan. A stunningly redundant journey through the mind of Hollywood’s most brilliant hack, with heavy metal and drunken stupidity to spare.
GET ON IT!

COBRAS BREAKS THE SILENCE

Sup bros?



I know it's been awhile since I've had a minute to post on IC (I've been working 80 hour weeks, assholes, cut me a break), but the time has come to end my silence with the most important news imaginable:



Apocryphon's OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE PAGE is now online.





I know you clowns are just dying to send me your money, so go over there and get yourself a CD or a T-shirt (or both!).



I mean, just look at that thing! A high-quality cotton T-shirt bearing the infamous design created by our very own IC uber-bro Farron Loathing--for only 12 dollars (plus S&H)?!?!?!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!



Not to mention the lovingly-crafted, hand-numbered, wooden-box-twine-bound-hand-sewn limited edition CDs we're selling (for ONLY $7!!!). Brother Peter designed and built only 100 of these babies, and they're really going fast. Check this shit out:







Now that's quality craftmanship right there.



Go buy our stuff. We'll have even more of it soon.



In other news, we now have an Encyclopaedia Metallum page as well, along with our old Last.FM, Facebook, and Bandcamp (where you can download our debut EP for free or name your price).



PS: Speaking of shameless, incessant self-promotion, DALTON's "comeback" show is at the Elbo Room in SF tonight with Winter Teeth and The Corruptors. Go to that also.

ANGELCORPSE - THE INEXORABLE (1999)

OK, here's the deal: ol' Uncle Cobras is gonna be busy as a motherfucker for the next week or two, so things are really gonna slow to a crawl here at IllCon. But humongous gears are turning in the IC Universe, and you can all expect some really awesome things to happen in the near future. First off, Apocryphon is opening for the almighty Orb of Confusion (their last show EVER) at Eli's Mile High in Oakland this Sunday, where we will have our first run of Farron Loathing-designed T-shirts (as well as limited edition, wood-box copies of our debut EP) for sale. Which is cool, but then the following Monday (the 22nd), DALTON returns (with Winter Teeth and The Corruptors) at the Elbo Room in SF, after a long, self-imposed period of introspection and martial arts training. Both of these shows are of course sandwiched around a week in which I'll be getting unceasingly ass-raped at my Real Job, not to mention the Huge Thing On The Horizon that I have been instructed not to speak about yet, upon punishment of execution. So hang tight. Things will be back to normal soon.



To tide you over for a bit, I offer the third full-length album from IllCon favorites Angelcorpse, an unrelenting onslaught of black/death malice every bit as ferocious as its predecessors, 1996's Hammer of Gods and 1998's Exterminate. Pure fucking evil and hatred, so brutal and mind-bending that those weird penis-looking things on the cover are immediately and unequivocally forgiven. Super gnar.



Download HERE

Purchase HERE



In keeping with the old IllCon trend, please note that dude on the left is rocking his own band's T-shirt.



Metallum/Last.FM

EPIC RIFFIN'

Take a good long look, fuckers. That indecipherable scrawl up there is the logo for myself and Brother Peter's new(ish) band APOCRYPHON (drawn by our old pal Farron Loathing), and you all are going to be seeing a whole lot more of it in the near future. I posted our first EP on The Living Doorway yesterday, but in case you clowns missed it, here are the direct links for both MEDIAFIRE and MEGAUPLOAD. I guarantee face-shreddage.
You can also find us on all your favorite musical outlets:

Facebook/Last.FM/Bandcamp (where you can also download our tunes either for free or donation)/Encyclopaedia Metallum (coming soon).

Add us where you see fit, and help spread the word about your new favorite psychedelic blackened death metal noisegrind band!

PS: Our second guitarist just quit. Interested parties can contact me at illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com.

THE INVASION HAS BEGUN...

Artwork again by the beautiful and talented Farron Loathing.

T-shirts featuring the above artwork coming soon. Also, this:

That is all.

KOBRAS' KONCERT KALENDAR

Shelby Cobras photographed circa May 16, 2011, at ICHQ.

Man, shit is hectic over here. But not in a bad way.
If you live in the Bay Area, there are a whole shitload of epic, IllCon-endorsed metal shows coming your way soon. If you don't live in the Bay Area, I pity you and your sad, non-flash-mobbed, non-Frat-Halloween-vomit-covered existence. Man, your life sucks.

But anyways: METAL SHOWS.


Here at IC, we are big fans of both Lightning Swords of Death and Midnight. Lucky for us, we will be seeing them both perform tonight at The Elbo Room in SF, alongside Archons and Saviours. If you don't live in our neck of the woods, I guess your life doesn't suck THAT bad--as long as you live in Seattle, Portland, or Arcata. The 7-day-only tour will be hitting up those cities next before turning around and heading home....

Coming up this Wednesday, also at The Elbo Room....


OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

Then, on Friday, we have the long-awaited second performance of the beloved and much-ballyhooed APOCRYPHON, whose demo (not to mention T-shirts, designed by Lightning Swords frontman and IC uberBro Farron Loathing) will be available within the month.
Also performing: Teenage(ish) weird-metallers FABRICANT, Oregon's RYE WOLVES, and 2-piece artso mindfuckers JACKAL FLEECE. Oakland style.

Join us.


Now, I realize that advertising any shows after May 21st, 2011 is a futile endeavor, as we are all doomed to be cast down into the flaming pit for an eternity of agonizing tortures of the mind and flesh on that day (PS IllCon-approved barbeque at Casa Cobras too! Come by and enjoy ribs 'n' rapture!), but I'd like to mention one more post-apocalyptic show before I split, namely this one:


IC Bro Luis (drummer from FEAST) put this one together, and while I can't claim that I've heard every band on the bill, I can fully endorse both Feast and ARKAIK, who were featured on one of my very own Non-Mixtapes right back here.
Check out the other bands as such: Fallujah. Malevolent. Decimatus. Burning At The Stake.

So yeah, go to all these shows or be revealed as FALSE.

The POSER EXPOSER JUDGES YOU.

BUSY BUSY BUSY

Jesus Christ, man.
My apologies to the faithful out in Contraptionland, it seems like an eternity since I've had a chance to sit down and actually focus on writing, and my neglect for your well-being and constant entertainment is inexcusable. Truth is, life has had me by the balls lo these past few weeks--although it has all been for a good cause (for the most part)--but my thoughts have never strayed far from you, my minions. Metal is a demanding mistress indeed, and even though I haven't had the luxury of free time to spend with you, despair not about my welfare... Good things have been happening, epic things.

First off, allow me to address the burning question that has undoubtedly been on everyone's mind this last week or so... THE OAKLAND BLACK/DEATH FEST: Did it suck?

The answer: Fuck no.
Quite the opposite, in fact.

The Fest was fucking amazing, and I thank Tom, Salvador, and Tony at The Metro, as well as all the Hessian warriors who came out and slayed with us. This guy over here on the left showed up (several of him, actually), and that guy down there below showed up (several of him, actually), and fourteen out of fourteen bands kicked major ass over the course of two evenings.

Notes:

1) Dispirit needs to take it easy with that fog machine.
2) At this time next year, everyone is going to be hanging from the proverbial nuts of Mutilation Rites.
3) Feast is the best band ever.
4) Lucas Mann, 20-year-old shredbot and creative force behind Rings of Saturn, confirmed my suspicions that he might be a cyborg by resorting to a computerized backing guitar track. No human can play that shit.
5) Shirtless Straight Edge kids headbanging alone in a corner fill me with boundless glee.
6) The guy from Necrite (who I guess broke up after Scion Fest) decided to show up to the gig with his other band instead--without informing myself or The Metro--and upon his arrival, walked into the club, looked around, and muttered "This is fucking retarded" (no joke, those were his first words). So yeah, that guy's not a douche.

Check out some sexy footage of uber-Bros Valdur shredding the main stage on Saturday (this is like a 20-minute clip, but well worth watching):



And of course, my teenage buddies Feast completely annihilating the second stage on the second night (highlight of the Fest for me, seriously):





Luis and the other Bros (and She-Bro) in Feast were super cool, and I look forward to playing more shows with 'em in the near future.

Speaking of which...

This is going to be awesome. I met one of the dudes from Fabricant at the Fest as well, and if the Demilich-worshipping weirdo metal present on their Myspace/Facefuck pages are any indication, they are headed for big things too. Go to this show.

Fabricant Myspace/Facebook
Feast Myspace/Facebook

Other important news:

Courtesy of Guardian UK:

"There's no better way to put this: Sammy Hagar believes his mind was taken over by aliens. Years ago, before he played with Van Halen or Montrose, before he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the American singer claims extra-terrestrials tapped into his consciousness in the California foothills. "I know there's something out there," he explained, "and someday they'll come."


Hagar's intergalactic theories have come to light with his new memoirs, Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock, written with Joel Selvin. "I was lying in bed one night ... dreaming," he recalls in the book. "I saw a ship and two creatures inside of this ship. I couldn't see their faces. I just knew that there were two intelligent creatures, sitting up in a craft in the Lytle Creek forest area about twelve miles away in the foothills above Fontana. And they were connected to me, tapped into my mind through some kind of mysterious wireless connection."

ALSO.

Stoked that The Thing finally got that redrighthand stuff released, but were you aware that a veritable shitstorm of IllCon-related projects are on the way as well?
Example: Seanford and boobcore pioneers Huntress have a new one coming soon.
Example: Manslaughter and her new band Owl have an OWL-bum in the works.
Example: Myself and Brother Peter's new endeavor, APOCRYPHON, just spent 10 hours laying down the groundwork for our first EP last Sunday too.
So yeah, BUSY BUSY BUSY.

Don't even get me started on the Apocryphon side project, BOLTON THROWER...

I thank you all for your patience. I promise that a semblance of normalcy will return soon.

"A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT"

Yes, I've been hinting at some "Big News" for the last week, haven't I? Must've been sort of annoying. I apologize.
Well, I've made you guys wait long enough. Without further ado, allow me to present the object of all the mystery (drumroll please)...

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the IllCon-sponsored

OAKLAND BLACK/DEATH FEST.

2 days. 14 bands. 7 face-melting black metal bands on Saturday March 12th, 7 mind-crushing death metal bands on Sunday March 13th. Epic amounts of chaos and brutality. Bros. Beers. Broads. Battle.

Click for full size

Oakland Metro.org


***Saturday, March 12th, 2011:***

DISPIRIT
(Excellent psychedelic black metal conjured by the infamous John Gossard, creative force behind WEAKLING and ASUNDER.)

VALDUR
(Satanic evil from Mammoth Lakes, CA. Their new album Raven Gods Amongst Us is a fucking revelation.)

MUTILATION RITES
(Newish BM band from NYC, featuring former members of Bay Area bands like 100 Suns and Orb of Confusion.)

NECRITE
(Another excellent band from San Jose, CA. Their 2010 release Sic Transit Gloria Mundi is also highly recommended.)

CHRONAEXUS
(Atmospheric BM from Sacramento/Red Bluff, CA. Their brand-new album Algedonic Awakening has been on heavy rotation around ICHQ lately...)

PALE CHALICE
(SF-based band, their first album--being released through Flenser Records--is scheduled to be released just a few days before the show.)

PANDISCORDIAN NECROGENESIS
(A one-man black metal band from SF, but get this--NOT "STUDIO ONLY". This guy sings, shreds guitar, and plays kick and snare with his feet simultaneously, making him quite possibly the only TRVE "one-man black metal band".)




***Sunday, March 13th, 2011:***

EMBRYONIC DEVOURMENT
(Deepsend recording artists from Mendocino County, CA. If you are familiar with this band you probably know that they write songs about reptoids, conspiracy theories, and other David Icke-isms. Which rules. If you don't have their new one, Vivid Interpretations of The Void, you need to go get it. Pronto.)

ONTOGENY
(SF-based tech metal juggernaut that released the amazing Pillars of Perversion in 2007 but has lain mostly dormant since. Word on this street is that a new one is on the way soon...)

RINGS OF SATURN
(These fuckers put out one of my top 5 records of 2010, Embryonic Anomaly, all by themselves last year. Recently signed to Unique Leader, you can expect BIG things from these sci-fi aliencore wierdos in the near future.)

TRUCULENCE
(Long-running pornogrind band from Portland, Oregon. Touring with Embryonic Devourment and Ontogeny.)

SLAUGHTERBOX
(Sharing members with the aforementioned Chronaexus, Slaughterbox also hail from the Sacramento area. But unlike Chronaexus, they play ripping, blast-laden tech-grind from Hell. Go listen.)

FEAST
(A very young band from the East Bay. Go check out the one song on their Myspace page and get PUMPED.)

APOCRYPHON
(Yes, the rumors are all true. This is the new psychedelic blackened noisegrind project involving of 2/3rds of Cretaceous and Peter from IC. First show ever. History in the making.)


OK then. Secret's out.
EVERYONE is required to go to this thing. Please spread the word.