I'M GOING TO STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

OK, maybe not.

I'm way too busy for such shenanigans, what with all my sweet guest appearances on heavy-metal-and-conspiracy-themed podcasts (OH HEY, did I mention that the "Illogical Conspiracy" episode of Metal Injection's Hand Ov Doom--featuring Yours Truly--is up now?), tours, forays in the IllCon clothing line, and the impending move from SF to Oakland... Shit, I've hardly got time to brush my teeth, much less accompany Extraterrestrial Nic Cage on his next adventure through the catacombs of subterranean Washington, D.C., searching for hidden messages in the text of ancient documents.

But long story short: The Apocryphon show in Arcata (Vallejo got cancelled--long story) was a fucking blast (see photos below for evidence), and thanks to all the die-hards who showed up. Dates are solid on our next Northwest tour, more on that in a second.

Now is the part where I devolve into an extended period of shameless self-promotion. Apologies in advance:

THIS SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH @ HEMLOCK, SF:

BADR VOGU

PRIZE HOG

APOCRYPHON

and motherfucking AUTHOR AND PUNISHER! Get a load of what this guy is all about:

What a freak.

Then, the following Friday, @ The First Church of The Buzzard in Oakland:

THE HAUNTING PRESENCE

MUKNAL

SUTEKH HEXEN

CRUCIFIXION (impossible to Google)

APOCRYPHON

Be there.

Then Apocryphon plays with Cerebrate (from Eureka) and Bone Sickness (ex-Funerot, Olympia, WA) at The Elbo Room Saturday, May 19th.

Then the mighty DALTON has a show at an art opening for our pal Ben Venom (remember him?) at Guerrero Gallery in SF with our bros Hazzard's Cure on June 9th.

Then Dalton is playing an epic "Rock and Roll Bro-B-Q/Fucking In Tents Fest" camp-out type thing in Half Moon Bay with Total BS (they're a Bob Seger cover band), Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers (they're a Zed Zed Topp cover band), Chablis, Bar Fight, and Girl Problems on June 16th. We might even get a mechanical bull for this one. Seriously.

Then Apocryphon is playing in Eureka Thursday, June 28th (local bands and venue TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing at Slabtown in Portland Friday, June 29th (local bands TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing The Kraken (formerly Galway Arms) in Seattle Saturday, June 30th (local bands TBA).

And then...

That's right, motherfuckers. Apocryphon with Anhedonist, Grave Miasma, Vastum, and fucking DEAD CONGREGATION at the Oakland Metro Friday, July 6th.

More summer shows to be announced in the near future. Meanwhile...

Check out IllCon Radio tonight for an interview with the porn-soaked YouTube enigma known as The Spelunker, whose Smut Cave videos were previously featured on the blog RIGHT HERE. Tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com at 10 pm PST, and J.O. into the vortex with us!

"unfortunately terms like 'tin foil hats' may be amusing but serve the purpose to discredit conspiracies before fact 1 has even been looked at. Well done for being patronising (sacracsm)"

- some guy commenting on my episode of Hand Ov Doom

SO BARRY MANILOW, MARILYN MANSON, AND LANA DEL REY WALK INTO A BAR...

Obviously Manilow, a fellow of discerning taste and impeccable judgement, decides to tune into Illogical Contraption Radio in Studio 1A tonight at 10pm, because he knows that, even though our hero and protagonist Shelby Cobras will be absent, an excellent interview with SWANS' Michael Gira awaits him there, and that things will undoubtedly get weird. Mr. Manilow decides to call in (415.829.2980) and give co-hosts Cory, Erik, and Al and extra ration of shit on behalf of Dr. Cobras. He even subscribes via iTunes. What a guy!


Mr. Manson--the second to walk into the bar--being an "edgier" and "hipper" fellow, decides that a metal show in Oakland is more his speed, and that his destination will be Eli's Mile High Club. There he will find the likes of Apocryphon, Old Crow (get a real website bros), Plague Widow, and the mighty Early Graves performing, and Mr. Manson knows that the combination of sick grind, piercing volume levels, and flowing liquor will get everyone present laid. Good work, Marilyn.

Ms. Del Rey is the third to walk into the bar. She decides that her best bet for the evening is to go see Saviours, Holy Grail, and (my best bros) Hazzard's Cure at The Elbo Room in SF.
It is a poor decision. She is summarily gang-raped and killed by an angry pack of stoned sasquatches.

Don't be like Lana Del Rey. Make the right decision tonight.

Grinch - The Blacking Factory (1992)

So, I'll be upfront and simply come out and say that I have little knowledge regarding the background or history of this band other than the fact that my brother knew one or two of the members during his younger days while going to high school in Oakland. He more or less introduced me to the "scene", whatever that may entail. My brother basically was the shit. I have fond memories during my youth of often staying at his "house", a renovated industrial garage in west-Oakland, firing off shotguns, 22's, M80s and anything explosive in the front room while drinking beer and listening to classics from Frank Zappa, Rush, Ministry, Testament, and Primus among many others. Among these happened to be this little gem. He had introduced me to Neurosis and Yngwie Malmsteen by that point and I was finding myself digging the likes of Megadeth, Testament, and Poison Idea among others. He threw Grinch's The Blacking Factory on for me one afternoon and I subsequently have been forever changed since. For better or for worse? I'm not sure.

I rarely listen to this album to be honest. It had a inch-thick crust of dust on it when I pulled it out of my collection this afternoon if that tells you anything (damn digital media!). However, there is something about this album that still sends shivers up my spine every time I listen to it. There is something decrepit, raw, and macabre within the sound of The Blacking Factory. There is a tale to be told here and if you listen to it closely enough, it is quite a disturbing one at that. Maybe this reflects the time the album was made: the year 1992. Shit, I was a wee little squirt that year! 12 years young, if memory serves me correct... I was still running around thinking Magic The Gathering was the shit, pogs were the "new thing", and I had migrated from my BMX to a bro's go-cart (pathetic, I know). 1992 marked a turbulent and uncertain period for America: We had just witnessed the end of Reagan's reign followed by the flappant attempts of Bush Sr., the official end of communism, the Gulf War was over, a recession was knocking on our doorsteps, drug and gang-related crime were on the rise, the LA riots, the end of Thrash Metal had approached leading to the rise of Death Metal, the stirrings of "grunge" and everything "pop" infected our very well-beings (damn you MTV!)...

Sorry, not to bore you there! Just had some momentary flashbacks.
Anyways, what better climate for post-hardcore? The year 1992 was the perfect climate for this sort of music and what better place for it to be summoned other than Oakland?!

So some of you may remember that one band dubbed Machine Head? Eh, probably not. Anyways, based on an unconfirmed account it is speculated that Chris Kontos was the drummer for them when they debuted. He also went on to play in Testament, Exodus, Konkhra, and Verbal Abuse. Blah, blah, blah. It just so happens that Kontos was also in Grinch as well! There's even a rumor that local Bay Area heavyweight and percussionist extraordinaire, Aesop Dekker who runs this awesome blog here, toured with Grinch also. All in all, Grinch put out two full lengths then abruptly disbanded after a tumultuous tour in 1996.

That is all I know: Nothing more, nothing less.

...knead the muck...

Here.

JOHN MOTHERFUCKING CARPENTER - ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 SOUNDTRACK (1976)

I'll be honest with you guys: I ain't a big fan of John Carpenter's 1976 jam Assault on Precinct 13 (nor its 2005 remake, ugh)--after all, when you put that motherfucker side by side with JC's work in the 80's (The Thing, They Live, Big Trouble In Little China, hell, even second-tier shit like The Fog, Prince of Darkness, and 1994's In The Mouth of Madness) it just doesn't stand up. I mean, hey, what does? Nothing. That's what. But Precinct is still a good movie, to be sure: a study in isolation, paranoia, and xenophobia that plays out like an extended version of the police station raid scene in the original Terminator. It just came from a time when Carpenter was still in the process of perfecting his chops.

Speaking of his chops...

Goddamn this dude has a way of creating atmosphere with a Casio keyboard, a shit drum machine, and about six notes. He performed similar magic with the ultra-basic They Live score, but Precinct takes it a step further. The entire duration of this recording is basically a study on "variations of a theme"--never straying from the same tempo and basic root notes, only occasionally stumbling into dark alleys of either murmuring noise or complete silence. I've been heavily into shit like this lately--moody, repetitive horror/suspense scores, the more Euro the better.

I was stoked to see that WhatFreshHell over at The Living Doorway was giving new-school retro minimalist Moog-horror composer Umberto a spin recently, as I too have been basking in the man's meaty fart-bass and soothing synth as of late. I highly recommend visiting Umberto's Bandcamp forthwith if you're into that kind of thing, although a pioneer and/or innovator he ain't. Dude wears his influences on his sleeve when he isn't outright ripping them off--Goblin, Frizzi, and, of course, ol' Uncle John. Credit where it's due, I guess. Whatever.
Carp did it first. Carp did it best.

Download HERE
John Carpenter website/Last.FM



Today is Friday, February 24th.

Witch means:

a) You are either going to Eli's Mile High Club in Oakland to see Bell Witch, Worm Uoroboobyrobbybobdobbs 'R' Us, Alaric, Sutekh Hexen, and muthafuckin' APOCRYPHON tonight (get there EARLY! We are opening at like 7:30 or some such bullshit!), or:

b) If you are unfortunate enough to live outside the San Francisco Bay Area, you should tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com Studio 1A at 10pm for Episode 24 of IllCon Radio. I won't be there, so it will probably suck. But they have a demonologist or some shit coming on, so maybe it will be cool. I dunno. Call Cory, Erik, and Al at 415.829.2980 and give them some shit. Tell 'em Cobras sent you.

ALSO:

SRSLY GUISE SOOOOOO STOKED FOR THIS

TAKE ME BACK, BABY

Apocryphon's new singer

Does anyone still read Illogical Contraption? I mean, I hope so. But my neglect for this, the birthplace of so so many strange and wonderful things, is utterly inexcusable. Truth is, my computer took a dump, and then my other computer took a dump, and then (Odin help me) I got caught up in Twitter (fuck you, I'm on Twitter now, so what?) and Tumblr and some other instant-gratification sites for awhile, and then I played a bunch of shows, and then I lost my mind for a little bit, and then I recuperated. But I'm back now, baby. And I brought you flowers. Can't things just be like they used to? C'mon baby, you know Ike loves you.

I will also gladly blame IllCon Radio for stealing my time, attention, and research skills--the show has gotten way less shitty in the last couple installments, and if you haven't yet, I highly recommend checking out both Episode 21 with Aesop Dekker and Genesis P. Orridge as well Episode 22 with Shane Durgee, amateur cryptozoologist and founding member of Earth Crisis. You should really just subscribe on iTunes, though (and rate us!). I'm pretty sure tonight's guest is Parker Bowman, that insufferable prick from Pool Party Radio and Junk Food Dinner. Also another guy. Or girl. So check that out.


Speaking of being too busy to write anything significant here anymore:

APOCRYPHON SHOWS!:

with: WORM UOROBOROS (basically my favorite all-female death metal band)
BELL WITCH
SUTEKH HEXEN and
ALARIC

Also!

with EARLY GRAVES
OLD CROW (No web presence yet, I guess. But they kick ass.) and
PLAGUE WIDOW

Also!

We're playing a show with BADR VOGU, PRIZE HOG, and this sick freak at the Hemlock in SF April 29th:



Also!

A short Northern California tour with supreme ultimate party bros Hazzard's Cure some time in April. I'll keep you all abreast of further developments, I swear. Here's to new computers!


Sorry again for the long absence, gang. I promise I won't ever, ever neglect you like that again.

Important Announcement for the New Year

After a decade of bitter infighting and rancour between two ideologically polarized camps within ICHQ, I am delighted to announce the grand opening of IllCon East, a new subdivision of IC Enterprises which is charged with ensuring East Coast considerations are factored into decision-making around marketing, product development, and systems change. This venture comes on the coattails of a debate that has been percolating beneath the surface of everyday business and has made working alongside one another no longer possible. I now present to you IllCon East's mission statement:

FUCK YOU, WEST COAST

Allow me to explain...

Here on the East Coast, being metal is a fucking chore. You have to work at it. If you're a metalhead and come from anywhere East of Sanford Parker's fiefdom, Ohio, you're already handicapped. You're fucked. You have to ship in all your bullet belts and patches from El Salvador. Out on the West Coast every other day Wormrot is playing in LA, fucking Brocas Helm is playing Gilman or whatever it's called, blah fucking blah.

2nd one from left is 9th grade me

I was just talking to These a Beast, who lives in Jersey, about what shows we'd been to recently and it was downright scornful. The only show either of has had been to in the last month was the same goddamn show, one night apart from each other. Granted, it was Inquisition, and they fucking killed, but still. West Coast's got the labels, the communal groundswell, the bands, the venues, AND legal kush. It's like the metal is being handed to you on a silver plate; all you need to do is MOSH.

And don't get me started on Black Metal. How do you have all these awesome goddamn black metal bands on the West Coast? What do YOU know about Black Metal? Any 'banger worth his Nargaroth back patch knows Black Metal is all about winter, midnight vision quests through frost-choked ravines, taking your shirt off, and takin' a pic for the album cover. What does the West Coast know about winter? Where I'm from we're living an Immortal album 30% of the entire year while your metal bands are playing flutes around the bonfire, fucking celebrating the harvest, and yukking it up over a sack of northern lights.

er, we're not all like this, promise

(Speaking of New Jersey, that's probably the most metal places on the planet ain't it? Fuck sylven forests of primordial hardwoods and awe-inspiring ocean vistas, forget Norway...New Fucking Jersey man. It's basically built on top of toxic sludge and car parts. Anyone who elects to live there voluntarily earns their spike cuffs automatically.)

is more metal than

The East Coast always seems to get left out of conversations about metal (New Yorker notwithstanding), perhaps due to regional metal xenophobia, perhaps ignorance, perhaps its the smaller profiles of the bands, maybe a combination of all this. We gave you NYDM, Dio, Grief...the nascent scuzz-BM scene (see Mutilation Rites) is giving the Black Twilight Circle a run for their money IMHO...hell we've got Florida so right there we've buttoned up 90% of the American Death Metal legacy.

ANDMANOWAR

i know u like my layout skills

Now, I'm not saying we're completely infallible. In fact, we owe you a couple of apologies: namely Liturgy, the whole Savannah/Atlanta thing (seriously, what the fuck is up with the whole Kylesa/Baroness/Mastodon scene? can someone fill me in plz thx). We MIGHT be single-handedly responsible for metalcore also, now that I think about it. Whoops lol. I hereby apologise for all our past transgressions.

So anyway, yeah, this:

WEST COAST
i detect your pose
all the way from here

EAST COAST
trve

I rest my case.

You are cordially invited to the ceremonial ribbon cutting of the brand-new, 230 acre IllCon East campus, featuring an exclusive Evoken and Cannibal Corpse showcase*, and we will vote on IllCon East's new charter. I hereby lay down the gauntlet, West Coast pussies. The metal world is overdue for a good beef with all the trimmings, don't you think? Infantile posturing in album intros, threats of violence via YouTube, all that. How great would that be? Minus the assassinations, Varg.

FUCK YOU, WEST COAST.

*not verified

GHOUL: TOO KOOL 4 SKOOL, ROOLING WHILST OTHERS DROOL.

I warned you guys back in July...

GHOUL, "Metallicus Ex Mortis"




Thanks to Metal Injection for the link. Oh yeah, also thanks to Aesop and Crud Wizard for making this. It rules.

DYSTOPIA/SKAVEN Split LP (1996)

Haters gonna hate, but the sad truth is that Dystopia were towering, immortal gods to me during my formative high school years, and it was not unheard-of for me and my semi-crusty buddies to hop in a car and drive 5 hours to go see them at Gilman on occasion. As a wide-eyed teenager, I had a much higher tolerance for things like stinky dreads and dirty street kids asking me for change to buy booze. Nowadays, not so much. But the tunes still hold up, and in my opinion, the Dystopia tracks present on this album were the best and most brutal that they ever recorded.

Indeed, all of their four songs on this album were part of the Aftermath collection (which I posted a long, long time ago), but the Skaven split works best when ingested as an entire package-- Dystopia's unhinged, misanthropic grind counterbalanced by Skaven's dark, sample-heavy crust-worship. In a way, these bands complement each other perfectly, creating the definitive documentation of what it meant to be a booze-swilling, 18-to-32-year-old East Bay scumpunk in the mid-90's.

Skaven's name, of course, comes from Warhammer's race of man-sized anthropomorphic rat-creatures, whom Wikipedia describe thusly: "In the background of the setting the Skaven are described as a clan-based society in which the number 13 holds important significance. All Skaven pay homage to the Horned Rat, their only deity, whom they worship primarily out of fear of retribution. Skaven are portrayed as sneaky, conniving, selfish, cowardly and backstabbing. They are also closely linked to plague and disease (particularly the Skaven clan Pestilens). The Skaven believe themselves to be superior to all other races, especially those that live above ground.

Despite its large population, the existence of an organised Skaven society is carefully and violently concealed from humans and other races of the Warhammer universe. Even when presented with irrefutable proof, the common man regards them as an urban legend or merely another form of Beastmen, although there is no direct link between the two species. It is a widely held belief that if the Skaven could put aside their in-fighting and distrust of each other, they could potentially take over the world: fortunately their innate paranoia and deceitful, treacherous natures make such an occurrence all but impossible."

But you guys already knew that.

Download HERE

Dystopia Metallum/Last.FM
Skaven Metallum/Last.FM

BRAINOIL

Brainoil are finally back with a new album (after an eight year recording hiatus), and it's easily my favourite album of 2011 so far. Since getting Death Of This Dry Season it's been on an infinite loop around here, only interrupted by the occasional dose of cleansing power violence.



Obviously I'm not posting the new album (you can buy it here), so here's their 2003 self titled for anyone who still hasn't heard it. It's the same lineup as on the new record, and the same destructive mix of addictive sludgy riffs, up-tempo doom and buzzing crusty hardcore. Great stuff and absolutely essential.



If you're new to the band you should also check out their killer split with Cruevo that Shelbro posted waaaay back in January '09.

DOWNLOAD

(click me!)

KOBRAS' KONCERT KALENDAR

Shelby Cobras photographed circa May 16, 2011, at ICHQ.

Man, shit is hectic over here. But not in a bad way.
If you live in the Bay Area, there are a whole shitload of epic, IllCon-endorsed metal shows coming your way soon. If you don't live in the Bay Area, I pity you and your sad, non-flash-mobbed, non-Frat-Halloween-vomit-covered existence. Man, your life sucks.

But anyways: METAL SHOWS.


Here at IC, we are big fans of both Lightning Swords of Death and Midnight. Lucky for us, we will be seeing them both perform tonight at The Elbo Room in SF, alongside Archons and Saviours. If you don't live in our neck of the woods, I guess your life doesn't suck THAT bad--as long as you live in Seattle, Portland, or Arcata. The 7-day-only tour will be hitting up those cities next before turning around and heading home....

Coming up this Wednesday, also at The Elbo Room....


OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

Then, on Friday, we have the long-awaited second performance of the beloved and much-ballyhooed APOCRYPHON, whose demo (not to mention T-shirts, designed by Lightning Swords frontman and IC uberBro Farron Loathing) will be available within the month.
Also performing: Teenage(ish) weird-metallers FABRICANT, Oregon's RYE WOLVES, and 2-piece artso mindfuckers JACKAL FLEECE. Oakland style.

Join us.


Now, I realize that advertising any shows after May 21st, 2011 is a futile endeavor, as we are all doomed to be cast down into the flaming pit for an eternity of agonizing tortures of the mind and flesh on that day (PS IllCon-approved barbeque at Casa Cobras too! Come by and enjoy ribs 'n' rapture!), but I'd like to mention one more post-apocalyptic show before I split, namely this one:


IC Bro Luis (drummer from FEAST) put this one together, and while I can't claim that I've heard every band on the bill, I can fully endorse both Feast and ARKAIK, who were featured on one of my very own Non-Mixtapes right back here.
Check out the other bands as such: Fallujah. Malevolent. Decimatus. Burning At The Stake.

So yeah, go to all these shows or be revealed as FALSE.

The POSER EXPOSER JUDGES YOU.