I'M GOING TO STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

OK, maybe not.

I'm way too busy for such shenanigans, what with all my sweet guest appearances on heavy-metal-and-conspiracy-themed podcasts (OH HEY, did I mention that the "Illogical Conspiracy" episode of Metal Injection's Hand Ov Doom--featuring Yours Truly--is up now?), tours, forays in the IllCon clothing line, and the impending move from SF to Oakland... Shit, I've hardly got time to brush my teeth, much less accompany Extraterrestrial Nic Cage on his next adventure through the catacombs of subterranean Washington, D.C., searching for hidden messages in the text of ancient documents.

But long story short: The Apocryphon show in Arcata (Vallejo got cancelled--long story) was a fucking blast (see photos below for evidence), and thanks to all the die-hards who showed up. Dates are solid on our next Northwest tour, more on that in a second.

Now is the part where I devolve into an extended period of shameless self-promotion. Apologies in advance:

THIS SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH @ HEMLOCK, SF:

BADR VOGU

PRIZE HOG

APOCRYPHON

and motherfucking AUTHOR AND PUNISHER! Get a load of what this guy is all about:

What a freak.

Then, the following Friday, @ The First Church of The Buzzard in Oakland:

THE HAUNTING PRESENCE

MUKNAL

SUTEKH HEXEN

CRUCIFIXION (impossible to Google)

APOCRYPHON

Be there.

Then Apocryphon plays with Cerebrate (from Eureka) and Bone Sickness (ex-Funerot, Olympia, WA) at The Elbo Room Saturday, May 19th.

Then the mighty DALTON has a show at an art opening for our pal Ben Venom (remember him?) at Guerrero Gallery in SF with our bros Hazzard's Cure on June 9th.

Then Dalton is playing an epic "Rock and Roll Bro-B-Q/Fucking In Tents Fest" camp-out type thing in Half Moon Bay with Total BS (they're a Bob Seger cover band), Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers (they're a Zed Zed Topp cover band), Chablis, Bar Fight, and Girl Problems on June 16th. We might even get a mechanical bull for this one. Seriously.

Then Apocryphon is playing in Eureka Thursday, June 28th (local bands and venue TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing at Slabtown in Portland Friday, June 29th (local bands TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing The Kraken (formerly Galway Arms) in Seattle Saturday, June 30th (local bands TBA).

And then...

That's right, motherfuckers. Apocryphon with Anhedonist, Grave Miasma, Vastum, and fucking DEAD CONGREGATION at the Oakland Metro Friday, July 6th.

More summer shows to be announced in the near future. Meanwhile...

Check out IllCon Radio tonight for an interview with the porn-soaked YouTube enigma known as The Spelunker, whose Smut Cave videos were previously featured on the blog RIGHT HERE. Tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com at 10 pm PST, and J.O. into the vortex with us!

"unfortunately terms like 'tin foil hats' may be amusing but serve the purpose to discredit conspiracies before fact 1 has even been looked at. Well done for being patronising (sacracsm)"

- some guy commenting on my episode of Hand Ov Doom

Important Announcement for the New Year

After a decade of bitter infighting and rancour between two ideologically polarized camps within ICHQ, I am delighted to announce the grand opening of IllCon East, a new subdivision of IC Enterprises which is charged with ensuring East Coast considerations are factored into decision-making around marketing, product development, and systems change. This venture comes on the coattails of a debate that has been percolating beneath the surface of everyday business and has made working alongside one another no longer possible. I now present to you IllCon East's mission statement:

FUCK YOU, WEST COAST

Allow me to explain...

Here on the East Coast, being metal is a fucking chore. You have to work at it. If you're a metalhead and come from anywhere East of Sanford Parker's fiefdom, Ohio, you're already handicapped. You're fucked. You have to ship in all your bullet belts and patches from El Salvador. Out on the West Coast every other day Wormrot is playing in LA, fucking Brocas Helm is playing Gilman or whatever it's called, blah fucking blah.

2nd one from left is 9th grade me

I was just talking to These a Beast, who lives in Jersey, about what shows we'd been to recently and it was downright scornful. The only show either of has had been to in the last month was the same goddamn show, one night apart from each other. Granted, it was Inquisition, and they fucking killed, but still. West Coast's got the labels, the communal groundswell, the bands, the venues, AND legal kush. It's like the metal is being handed to you on a silver plate; all you need to do is MOSH.

And don't get me started on Black Metal. How do you have all these awesome goddamn black metal bands on the West Coast? What do YOU know about Black Metal? Any 'banger worth his Nargaroth back patch knows Black Metal is all about winter, midnight vision quests through frost-choked ravines, taking your shirt off, and takin' a pic for the album cover. What does the West Coast know about winter? Where I'm from we're living an Immortal album 30% of the entire year while your metal bands are playing flutes around the bonfire, fucking celebrating the harvest, and yukking it up over a sack of northern lights.

er, we're not all like this, promise

(Speaking of New Jersey, that's probably the most metal places on the planet ain't it? Fuck sylven forests of primordial hardwoods and awe-inspiring ocean vistas, forget Norway...New Fucking Jersey man. It's basically built on top of toxic sludge and car parts. Anyone who elects to live there voluntarily earns their spike cuffs automatically.)

is more metal than

The East Coast always seems to get left out of conversations about metal (New Yorker notwithstanding), perhaps due to regional metal xenophobia, perhaps ignorance, perhaps its the smaller profiles of the bands, maybe a combination of all this. We gave you NYDM, Dio, Grief...the nascent scuzz-BM scene (see Mutilation Rites) is giving the Black Twilight Circle a run for their money IMHO...hell we've got Florida so right there we've buttoned up 90% of the American Death Metal legacy.

ANDMANOWAR

i know u like my layout skills

Now, I'm not saying we're completely infallible. In fact, we owe you a couple of apologies: namely Liturgy, the whole Savannah/Atlanta thing (seriously, what the fuck is up with the whole Kylesa/Baroness/Mastodon scene? can someone fill me in plz thx). We MIGHT be single-handedly responsible for metalcore also, now that I think about it. Whoops lol. I hereby apologise for all our past transgressions.

So anyway, yeah, this:

WEST COAST
i detect your pose
all the way from here

EAST COAST
trve

I rest my case.

You are cordially invited to the ceremonial ribbon cutting of the brand-new, 230 acre IllCon East campus, featuring an exclusive Evoken and Cannibal Corpse showcase*, and we will vote on IllCon East's new charter. I hereby lay down the gauntlet, West Coast pussies. The metal world is overdue for a good beef with all the trimmings, don't you think? Infantile posturing in album intros, threats of violence via YouTube, all that. How great would that be? Minus the assassinations, Varg.

FUCK YOU, WEST COAST.

*not verified

KOBRAS' KONCERT KALENDAR

Shelby Cobras photographed circa May 16, 2011, at ICHQ.

Man, shit is hectic over here. But not in a bad way.
If you live in the Bay Area, there are a whole shitload of epic, IllCon-endorsed metal shows coming your way soon. If you don't live in the Bay Area, I pity you and your sad, non-flash-mobbed, non-Frat-Halloween-vomit-covered existence. Man, your life sucks.

But anyways: METAL SHOWS.


Here at IC, we are big fans of both Lightning Swords of Death and Midnight. Lucky for us, we will be seeing them both perform tonight at The Elbo Room in SF, alongside Archons and Saviours. If you don't live in our neck of the woods, I guess your life doesn't suck THAT bad--as long as you live in Seattle, Portland, or Arcata. The 7-day-only tour will be hitting up those cities next before turning around and heading home....

Coming up this Wednesday, also at The Elbo Room....


OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

Then, on Friday, we have the long-awaited second performance of the beloved and much-ballyhooed APOCRYPHON, whose demo (not to mention T-shirts, designed by Lightning Swords frontman and IC uberBro Farron Loathing) will be available within the month.
Also performing: Teenage(ish) weird-metallers FABRICANT, Oregon's RYE WOLVES, and 2-piece artso mindfuckers JACKAL FLEECE. Oakland style.

Join us.


Now, I realize that advertising any shows after May 21st, 2011 is a futile endeavor, as we are all doomed to be cast down into the flaming pit for an eternity of agonizing tortures of the mind and flesh on that day (PS IllCon-approved barbeque at Casa Cobras too! Come by and enjoy ribs 'n' rapture!), but I'd like to mention one more post-apocalyptic show before I split, namely this one:


IC Bro Luis (drummer from FEAST) put this one together, and while I can't claim that I've heard every band on the bill, I can fully endorse both Feast and ARKAIK, who were featured on one of my very own Non-Mixtapes right back here.
Check out the other bands as such: Fallujah. Malevolent. Decimatus. Burning At The Stake.

So yeah, go to all these shows or be revealed as FALSE.

The POSER EXPOSER JUDGES YOU.

Dorito dust in your hair farm?

Hello people. This is Danava. Why have we skipped over Danava? What gives man? Is it that you're too busy wrecking necks to sit back on your bean bag chair in your sweatpants and take a few bong rips? Lady is on your ass about doing laundry and taking her to spatula city? Fuck dude. That sucks. Life is hard man. Let's take a break from these 1st world problems and go on a demon ride.

Danava literally means "demon" or enemies of God. Yet they hail from Portland. Yes, another great fucking band from Portland STOP MAKING ME WANT TO MOVE THERE GOD DAMN IT.

They rule. 'Nuff said. Well, I'll say something-fuck it. They combine elements of jazz, psych, rock, doom, and at times glam and I love them. Hair Farmers. Why isn't there a Hair Farmer or Dorito dust tag on this blog? Why you gotta be shunning the stoners dude?

Hair Orgy

Hmm, oh well here's there first album from 2006. Pretty Cockwind (Hawkwind with a lot more dick in it) kinda like these guys from my first post.



HERE:


Or the 2008 epic follow up UnonoU:

HERE:








They also put out a split with homies Lecherous Gaze and Earthless-BUY IT- you bum. And stop stealing all my quarters I know it was you. Get a job.

PREGNANCY TEST

I'm not even sure where to start when discussing the underground cultural hip-hop/cock rock/punk/techno phenomenon known as I Hate You When You're Pregnant. Comprised of only one member (6'5" Flagstaff, AZ resident Phil Buckman), IHYWYP was part performance art, part abstract pop-culture-referencing postmodern poetry, part G.G. Allin, part motivational speaker, part Rock God, and part rap messiah. I've had a slim cross-section of Buckman's music in my iTunes library for years (courtesy of former Flagstaff resident Erik Del Tigre), but I recently unearthed his entire discography and felt the need to share it immediately. Many of you will recognize the genius herein and become instantly addicted. Many of you will dismiss it as hipster garbage and fail altogether. Such is the polarizing nature of I Hate You When You're Pregnant.
Buckman began his journey in 2002, while roadie-ing for friends of the blog Stab City Slitwrists (above left). As the story goes, Stab City found themselves in need of an opening act one night in Portland, and coaxed Phil into going onstage and making an ass out of himself in a Speedo. The rest, as they say, is history.

Lyrically, I can't think of a single artist that could stand up to IHYWYP when it comes to pure abstract magic. According to Alex at Hotdogstorm.com (where I finally tracked down these 5 demos): "IHYWYP WAS A CULTURAL REVOLUTION. IN MY OPINION PHIL BUCKMAN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SINGER/SONG WRITER OF OUR GENERATION. SUCK AN EGG IF YOU FEEL DIFFERENTLY." I tend to agree, but it isn't just the words that set IHYWYP apart from the outsider/underground/weirdo art pack. Phil's screaming delivery, his physical intensity, and even his weird minimalist techno beats (composed entirely on a Zoom RhythmTrak 234, which was also his only stage accompaniment) push the entire package from "mere curiosity" into the realm of "pure brilliance", and while I can't guarantee universal appreciation of his aethetic (Huge Man In Tiny Underwear has yet to catch on with the metal crowd), I defy you to ignore the raw emotion present in songs like "Desiree", "The Furr's Is Gone", "Peter Frampton Must Die", or "There Is Stuff In This World".
But my words are superfluous. I recommend beginning with the second demo (my initial jumping off point with this "band") and moving outward from there, giving yourself time to absorb each release separately. Unfortunately, Phil "broke up with himself" and disbanded IHYWYP around 2005, but I've seen footage of him performaning from as recently as 2010, so not all hope is lost. This guy is an insane vortex of creativity, a gaping abyss brimming over with the exuberance of pure fucking ROCK. Cultural revolution indeed.

"... If 911 was 1-800/
and 1-800 was a one-armed man/
and if a one-armed man was Heinz 57/
THAT'S EMERGENCY KETCHUP!!!"


FIRST DEMO (circa 2002)

(couldn't find the actual cover art)
HERE


SECOND DEMO (circa 2002-'03)

(couldn't find the actual cover art for this one either)
HERE


THIRD DEMO (circa 2003-'04)

HERE


FOURTH DEMO (2004)

HERE


FIFTH DEMO (2005)

HERE

"Sleeveless" (second demo):



"Hackeysack!" (fifth demo, live 2005):



IHYWYP tribute page/Last.FM/Myspace/lyrics/etc...

Murderess- S/T (2009)

I’ve had one verse from a shitty 4 non blonde song stuck in my head for the past week. I live in a hell of my own design. Actively engaged in a personal sonic lobotomy has been my only reprieve from shitty femme folk rock of the 90’s that creeps its way into my subconscious like an unwelcome houseguest. Strong music is my antidote to such infestations. Death to all clear channel mediocrity. On a quest for aural glory, the battle continues.

In response to Cobra's recent disclosure of Dana Duffy lust while extolling the virtues of dirthead metal, smoking cheap weed and pursuing back issues of Fangoria with the band Mythic, I feel its necessary to illustrate that a similar dream is alive and thrives in North Portland. Enter Murderess.

Through assailing sonic chaos, they clearly have got a hard on for Swedish d-beat. While citing Bathory and Anti-Cimex influence in true homage to the sounds that abound, Murderess campaign with tight execution and drive conquering your sympathetic nervous system. Fight or flight!

Perhaps last summer’s pressing of their green and black vinyl LP entitled “The Last Thing You’ll Ever See” will save me from myself until some other shitty pop detritus flotsam oozes out from the woodwork. Until then I'll remain forever committed to resist pop radio warble provoking my equilibrium and prompting me to take matters into my own hands. They tour California in March. Go face the execution and be destroyed …

w/ Age of Collapse at the M Sat, Feb 19, Seattle WA

w/ Countdown to Armageddon at the Elbo Room Sat, Mar 19 San Francisco, CA

w/ Buried at Birth at Johnny V's Thu, Mar 24 San Jose, CA

Myspace / Facebook

Buy the new album: Here and Here

Listen to the older album: Here

DARK BLACK ON TOUR

Midnight Wraith


Almost one year ago, in my very first post for IC, I described PDX shred monster Dark Black as "tragically under hyped." They had just put out their first full length record and it seemed like I was the only person in America rubbing my balls on it nightly. Now, 48 weeks later, Dark Black is hitting the road for the first time in support of their new recording, Midnight Wraith. The hype is still subdued, but finally, it looks like people are just beginning to take notice. Here are a few reviews, forwarded to me in their press release:

"...crank this or spank it folks, there’s some serious boogie in these riffs! Holy shit this thing stomps!" - Hellride Music

"...Midnight Wraith definitely harkens back to around 1978 sonically, with a Thin Lizzy-meets-Iron Maiden feel, and the band definitely has the chops to back it up." - Metal Underground

"If you are a fan of old school Heavy Metal this is a must." - Minacious

"As with their Traditional Metal peers, the likes of Enforcer, Ravage and White Wizzard, (to name a few), DarkBlack takes me down Metal memory lane to a time when bootleg and demo cassette trading was the norm." - Metal Odyssey


Wow, those are some SHITTY FUCKING REVEIWS. Holy shit. Enforcer? White Wizzard? COME THE FUCK ON. Dark Black, from me to you, scrap these shitty Maiden laden reviews and use this one. Besides, IC is at least twice as credible as Metal Odyssey.

DARK BLACK IS THE BEST UNDERGROUND METAL BAND IN THE UNITED STATES. I HAVN'T EVEN HEARD MIDNIGHT WRAITH AND I CAN STILL SAY WITH COMPLETE CONFIDENCE THAT DARK BLACK RIPS ASSHOLES FASTER THAN FOURLOKAREHIA. - Seanford, Illogical Contraption

Cosbro Lee wrote on Invisible Oranges today that where as Dark Black "aren’t really my thing", "I know folks who are nuts about them." This sentence was extra lols to me because many of my conversations with Cosmo go like this:

SF: Hey Cosmo.
CL: Hi Sean, nice muscles.
SF: Thanks. Have you listened to that Dark Black I sent you yet?
CL: No, I have a job. And I don't smoke weed.
SF: Oh well. Your muscles look good too.

If somehow you managed to avoid SELLSWORD this year, please stop fucking up and acquire this. It might be a repost but we try to make it easy.



HERE

It sounds, more or less, like this:

better the second time



I played with these dudes on my first tour way back in the Trigger Renegade days. After a few shows in PDX it was obvs we were never going to out rip these guys. We changed our name to Professor, wrote all new songs and gave it another shot. Two more tours, two more tries, but DB still got us pregnant with their careless spay of rizz (riffs that make you jizz). So we went back home, changed our name again, beefed up (or boobed up) our line up, wrote another new full set of jams and now we're off to cross axes yet again with the mightiest of mighty in the San Francisco Bay Area this weekend. The dates are below, see Dark Black.

DARKBLACK Midnight Wraith Tour:
12/1/2010 The Black Lodge - Seattle, WA w/ Skelator, Emeralds, Elk’s Blood
12/2/2010 *house show - Seattle, WA w/ Throne of Bone
12/3/2010 Kelly's Olympian - Portland, OR [CD release show] w/ Spellcaster, Dead By Dawn
12/4/2010 Bender's - San Francisco, CA w/ Huntress, Walken
12/5/2010 The Hazmat (Your Hause) - Oakland, CA w/ Dodsfalla, Bruxers, Infernal Graves, Drunken Hardcore
12/6/2010 Cinespace - Los Angeles, CA w/ Huntress, Gypsyhawk
12/8/2010 The Gup - Eugene, OR w/ Excruciator, Scrolls
12/9/2010 The Know - Portland, OR w/ Nux Vomica



PS - When googling Dark Black Portalnd, one of the first suggestions that comes up in the search bar is "what does dark black poop mean?" - WHAT DOES IT MEAN?