I'M GOING TO STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

OK, maybe not.

I'm way too busy for such shenanigans, what with all my sweet guest appearances on heavy-metal-and-conspiracy-themed podcasts (OH HEY, did I mention that the "Illogical Conspiracy" episode of Metal Injection's Hand Ov Doom--featuring Yours Truly--is up now?), tours, forays in the IllCon clothing line, and the impending move from SF to Oakland... Shit, I've hardly got time to brush my teeth, much less accompany Extraterrestrial Nic Cage on his next adventure through the catacombs of subterranean Washington, D.C., searching for hidden messages in the text of ancient documents.

But long story short: The Apocryphon show in Arcata (Vallejo got cancelled--long story) was a fucking blast (see photos below for evidence), and thanks to all the die-hards who showed up. Dates are solid on our next Northwest tour, more on that in a second.

Now is the part where I devolve into an extended period of shameless self-promotion. Apologies in advance:

THIS SUNDAY, APRIL 29TH @ HEMLOCK, SF:

BADR VOGU

PRIZE HOG

APOCRYPHON

and motherfucking AUTHOR AND PUNISHER! Get a load of what this guy is all about:

What a freak.

Then, the following Friday, @ The First Church of The Buzzard in Oakland:

THE HAUNTING PRESENCE

MUKNAL

SUTEKH HEXEN

CRUCIFIXION (impossible to Google)

APOCRYPHON

Be there.

Then Apocryphon plays with Cerebrate (from Eureka) and Bone Sickness (ex-Funerot, Olympia, WA) at The Elbo Room Saturday, May 19th.

Then the mighty DALTON has a show at an art opening for our pal Ben Venom (remember him?) at Guerrero Gallery in SF with our bros Hazzard's Cure on June 9th.

Then Dalton is playing an epic "Rock and Roll Bro-B-Q/Fucking In Tents Fest" camp-out type thing in Half Moon Bay with Total BS (they're a Bob Seger cover band), Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers (they're a Zed Zed Topp cover band), Chablis, Bar Fight, and Girl Problems on June 16th. We might even get a mechanical bull for this one. Seriously.

Then Apocryphon is playing in Eureka Thursday, June 28th (local bands and venue TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing at Slabtown in Portland Friday, June 29th (local bands TBA).

Then Apocryphon is playing The Kraken (formerly Galway Arms) in Seattle Saturday, June 30th (local bands TBA).

And then...

That's right, motherfuckers. Apocryphon with Anhedonist, Grave Miasma, Vastum, and fucking DEAD CONGREGATION at the Oakland Metro Friday, July 6th.

More summer shows to be announced in the near future. Meanwhile...

Check out IllCon Radio tonight for an interview with the porn-soaked YouTube enigma known as The Spelunker, whose Smut Cave videos were previously featured on the blog RIGHT HERE. Tune in to FCCFreeRadio.com at 10 pm PST, and J.O. into the vortex with us!

"unfortunately terms like 'tin foil hats' may be amusing but serve the purpose to discredit conspiracies before fact 1 has even been looked at. Well done for being patronising (sacracsm)"

- some guy commenting on my episode of Hand Ov Doom

Live Report! SPELL OF BLOOD tour: Sacrament Ov Impurity, Blood Etchings, Miasmic, and Vellum at the Lil Red Lion, Eureka CA

Holy shit! I'm still recovering from this show, I think. Thursday night's gig at the Lil Red Lion in Eureka, CA (Cobras' favorite town!) was friggin' awesome! And that isn't the booze talking! Yet... It is rare to see a show up here in the Arcata/Eureka area of this caliber. I mean we'll get maybe one or two of these bands but not all four! Here in Humboldt County I've witnessed a few heavyweights pass through on their way to SF or Portland while on tour, namely Embryonic Devourment, Vile, Decrepit Birth, High On Fire, WITTR, Vektor, Nachtmystium, Earth, Skeletonwitch among others. We even have a few metal bands here that are of worthy note: Locust Furnace, Miasmic, Ash Borer, Cerebrate, Unholy Crucifix, and Sadistic Hallucinations but to get a tour coming through here - or any metal band to play for that matter - is amazing to say the least! The bands that played Thursday weren't necessarily huge but they each have their own following and deserve mentioning.

So without going into a long, laborious and detailed account of the show, I will simply post some brief info on each band. You can check them out further on your own.

FYI: Currently Sacrament Ov Impurity and Blood Etchings are wrapping up their tour tomorrow at the SUB-Mission in SF. No they're not these guys... and no, they're not these guys either, but they're solid musicians and if you like going to shows at smaller venues and you happen to be in SF tomorrow evening, I would recommend checking them out.

So first things first, MIASMIC rules. Period. They spawned from the ashes of an old band I used to be in up here, morphing from an embryo of mixed ideas into a formidable juggernaut. I don't have a link to download any of their material yet but plan to do a proper review of them soon enough! In the mean time go check them out, befriend them on Facebook, and immerse yourself in the Redwood Darkness that is MIASMIC!

Facebook / Metallum

***

VELLUM hail from the LA area and are good friends of Miasmic. They are an obscure band with little info out there on them but they have solid intentions. Rumor has it that they literally drove up from LA to Eureka just to support Miasmic - apparently is was their first gig even! Talk about dedication! Having recently lost their drummer, Iishtok from Miasmic filled in on the kit despite literally only having a week or two to learn their material... Despite this and time constraints, it was an epic set! Hopefully we'll be hearing more of them soon!

Facebook

***

BLOOD ETCHINGS were interesting. They were menacing. A bit rough around the edges perhaps. They were engaging enough to hold my interest at least. They had a bit of an attitude that I could have done without but they had several worthy songs. They label themselves as "Black Baroque Metal". Definitely had a black/death vibe going at times but shit, at that point the last gin & tonic I had been drinking began to catch up to me so my account is a bit fuzzy.

Facebook

***

SACRAMENT OV IMPURITY stole the show. Simple as that. They recently lost their bassist/vocalist. I had the opportunity to purchase and download their debut two weeks ago prior to the show so I was already familiar with their material. There were subtle differences, especially where the bass should have been and the change of vocals but they held it down. They played a solid set to a small but solid crowd. Despite not understanding a single word she was saying, Naphula was one hell of an intimidating vocalist - and that is coming from a vocalist! (she was pretty hot also but that may have been the booze talking)

Metallum / Facebook

Official Website

***

As mentioned, Blood Etchings and Sacrament Ov Impurity are wrapping up their tour tomorrow in SF. If you live in or near the City, I recommend going and checking it out.

...for those curious, I am compiling a list of songs from these bands and others as a mix of sorts for y'all in which I plan to feature in a subsequent post at a later date...

SICK OF YOU

Attention, SCUM:

IllCon Radio will not air this evening, as myself and Cory will be attending Gwar/Municipal Waste/Ghoul at The Regency in SF this evening. Expect a full report from the deep nether-regions in the near future, detailing our soon-to-be-legendary adventures backstage with Oderus and the gang (full interviews with O.U. and The Waste coming up on next week's show).

SO BARRY MANILOW, MARILYN MANSON, AND LANA DEL REY WALK INTO A BAR...

Obviously Manilow, a fellow of discerning taste and impeccable judgement, decides to tune into Illogical Contraption Radio in Studio 1A tonight at 10pm, because he knows that, even though our hero and protagonist Shelby Cobras will be absent, an excellent interview with SWANS' Michael Gira awaits him there, and that things will undoubtedly get weird. Mr. Manilow decides to call in (415.829.2980) and give co-hosts Cory, Erik, and Al and extra ration of shit on behalf of Dr. Cobras. He even subscribes via iTunes. What a guy!


Mr. Manson--the second to walk into the bar--being an "edgier" and "hipper" fellow, decides that a metal show in Oakland is more his speed, and that his destination will be Eli's Mile High Club. There he will find the likes of Apocryphon, Old Crow (get a real website bros), Plague Widow, and the mighty Early Graves performing, and Mr. Manson knows that the combination of sick grind, piercing volume levels, and flowing liquor will get everyone present laid. Good work, Marilyn.

Ms. Del Rey is the third to walk into the bar. She decides that her best bet for the evening is to go see Saviours, Holy Grail, and (my best bros) Hazzard's Cure at The Elbo Room in SF.
It is a poor decision. She is summarily gang-raped and killed by an angry pack of stoned sasquatches.

Don't be like Lana Del Rey. Make the right decision tonight.

Desekrator - Metal for Demons (1998)

If you have not heard of Desekrator, then you must! These guys rule! I mean, with an awesome band name like that they are guaranteed to rule, am I not correct?! Desekrator were formed as a side-project in Bergen, Norway in 1996. The group formed mainly for shits-and-giggles apparently, and consisted of none other than Ivar Bjornson and Grutle Kjellson of Enslaved fame, Infernus and Tormentor of Gorgoroth fame, and a few other local Bergen all-star bros. They released a demo and a single but only managed to put out one full length on Hammerheart Records.

So what do they sound like, you ask? I'm not really sure to be honest. This is no fancy metal, not by any means! Ha! I've heard gutter punks off Haight Street in SF produce better tunes than this... OK, well perhaps that is an overstatement. Honestly, they remind me of a black metal version of Cranium in a way, only with a more drunken and less focussed direction, sort of like that one band from that one city... What were they called again??

Hey, there are some similarities! Just sayin'...

Desekrator are listed as "thrash" but they're all over the place really. The closest I can describe them is a combination of Cranium and Gorgoroth, with elements similar to Plaag and Tankard perhaps... Actually, I have no way of describing Desekrator accurately. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I only listen to them when I'm drunk? Hmm...

Anyways, certain tracks are solid and well executed while others are intentionally chaotic if not sloppy (ironically akin to something I vaguely remember recording back when I was 15 years old). With song titles like "Texas Joe", "Take us to the Pub", and "Revenge of the Hellhammer" you can't expect anything more than pure ingenious decadence I suppose.

It's obvious that these guys were doing this for a few laughs. Nothing beyond the seriousness of their more established bands at least. In either case, this is an overlooked album with respect to the Norwegian scene.

It's nice to see some of black metal's elite take a break from their kvlt status and have a little fun. I'm not sure if they had intentions to continue this gig or if this was a one-off thing but if you dig your metal on the less serious-side of things, you're sure to dig this!

The best way to listen to this album is when you find yourself completely hammed and want to piss off your neighbor or roommate. If there was a soundtrack to hell this may very well be it, particularly when your roommate is hammed and cranking it at 2am (try falling asleep to it, it just doesn't work).
Point is, this is a great album to throw on to piss off your lady friend and impress your bros with.

This is metal for drunkards. This is metal for bros.

This is metal for demons.

Buy here and here.

Metallum / Last.FM

TAKE ME BACK, BABY

Apocryphon's new singer

Does anyone still read Illogical Contraption? I mean, I hope so. But my neglect for this, the birthplace of so so many strange and wonderful things, is utterly inexcusable. Truth is, my computer took a dump, and then my other computer took a dump, and then (Odin help me) I got caught up in Twitter (fuck you, I'm on Twitter now, so what?) and Tumblr and some other instant-gratification sites for awhile, and then I played a bunch of shows, and then I lost my mind for a little bit, and then I recuperated. But I'm back now, baby. And I brought you flowers. Can't things just be like they used to? C'mon baby, you know Ike loves you.

I will also gladly blame IllCon Radio for stealing my time, attention, and research skills--the show has gotten way less shitty in the last couple installments, and if you haven't yet, I highly recommend checking out both Episode 21 with Aesop Dekker and Genesis P. Orridge as well Episode 22 with Shane Durgee, amateur cryptozoologist and founding member of Earth Crisis. You should really just subscribe on iTunes, though (and rate us!). I'm pretty sure tonight's guest is Parker Bowman, that insufferable prick from Pool Party Radio and Junk Food Dinner. Also another guy. Or girl. So check that out.


Speaking of being too busy to write anything significant here anymore:

APOCRYPHON SHOWS!:

with: WORM UOROBOROS (basically my favorite all-female death metal band)
BELL WITCH
SUTEKH HEXEN and
ALARIC

Also!

with EARLY GRAVES
OLD CROW (No web presence yet, I guess. But they kick ass.) and
PLAGUE WIDOW

Also!

We're playing a show with BADR VOGU, PRIZE HOG, and this sick freak at the Hemlock in SF April 29th:



Also!

A short Northern California tour with supreme ultimate party bros Hazzard's Cure some time in April. I'll keep you all abreast of further developments, I swear. Here's to new computers!


Sorry again for the long absence, gang. I promise I won't ever, ever neglect you like that again.

OMG STATUS UPDATE!

Above: Shelby Cobras lives! Self-portrait shot 1/27/2012

Fuck, dudes!
First off, my apologies for all but abandoning my loyal public lo these past few weeks. Things have been more than a bit chaotic around Casa Cobras for a bit, and between Apocryphon shows, work, life drama, the podcast, and the unfortunate demise of Megaupload (with it 75% of the content uploaded to IC in the last 3 years), I just couldn't bring myself to face you all until I had my shit back together. Which I do now. Really. Don't mind the twitch.
Anyhow, I don't have anything ground-breaking or spectacular to drop on you guys today, just a quick how's-your-father to let you know that you still give me warm fuzzies in my man-parts. Also, a couple quick bullet points:

First off, Illogical Contraption Radio has been a fucking BLAST lately, especially last week's interview with David Liebe Hart (right), celebrated songsmith of Tim & Eric fame. Go listen to that if you haven't already, then stick around until 10pm PST tonight, when we'll be going live again. Wanna call us? Sweet! The number is (415) 829-2980, and we look forward to verbally destroying you with our far-superior vernacular and brain functions.
COME AT US, BROS.

(PS: The added bummer of the Megaupload shutdown is that several episodes of IC Radio, which never made it to iTunes, were stored therein, hence rendering them extinct to the ages. I've re-upped the surviving episodes to Mediafire as of today, but seeing as that particular file host will most likely be shut down within the week as well, I suggest you just man up and subscribe via iTunes.)

Who do we have on tonight's show, you ask?
What a wonderful question! Why, it's none other than the amazing FREEMAN, who blew our minds with tales of attempted murder by the Grateful Dead, the Friendship Bus, and CIA mind control via symbolism way back in Episode 7! I think it's safe to say that Freeman was one of the most enjoyable guests we've ever had on the show, and tonight's freak-out should be extra loopy, as our pet subject will be DISNEY AND BRAIN-WASHING. Dang.

ALSO. Apocryphon has a bunch of shows coming up (last weekend's shred-fest with HAZZARD'S CURE and Seattle's CRAWLIN' was the very definition of EPIC), so if you're in or around the Bay Area in February, come out and kick it with us. There's this:

Sunday Feb. 5 at Sub-Mission with PLAGUE WIDOW (they RULE), OLD CROW, YOUR ENEMY, HUMAN WASTE, and PILLAGER (just added)

Oh, and Dalton has a show at an art gallery with Street Justice on the 16th, then Apocryphon has another show at Eli's Mile High in Oakland with Worm Ouroboros, Bell Witch, Alaric, and Sutekh Hexen on the 24th. And let's not forget about the upcoming four-way split we're working on! I'd like to tell you more, but instead, I'm just going to post the best video ever uploaded to YouTube ten times in a row. If you play all of them simultaneously, you will achieve utter enlightenment and leave the plane of human material existence altogether. Enjoy:



HANG IN THERE, BROS!

MONDAY MORNING SCIENCE CORNER: Amorphophallus titanum AKA The Stench of Death And Decay

Man, DoomUnicorn has been breaching all kinds of etiquette lately. Not only did he come out of nowhere with this whole "IllCon East vs. IllCon West" feud (see last post), but he added insult to injury by posting pornogrind on a Monday, which we all know is verboten. Not only that, but the guy spelled "cryptosporidium" wrong multiple times in said post--I mean, who spells "cryptosporidium" incorrectly? Rookie moves, man. Rookie moves.

Anyhow, West Coast Envy notwithstanding, we now return you to your scheduled program: Monday Morning Science Corner, the CORRECT, educated, West Coast version of Monday mornings at ICHQ. Today's subject is the "corpse flower" AKA "carrion flower", a topic recommended by These A Beast--who I thank graciously, and forgive for living on the wretched East Coast of these United States.

Wikipedia: The titan arum or Amorphophallus titanum (from Ancient Greek amorphos, "without form, misshapen" + phallos, "phallus", and titan, "giant" = "Giant Misshapen Penis") is a flowering plant with the largest unbranched inflorescence in the world. The titan arum's inflorescence is not as large as that of the Talipot palm, Corypha umbraculifera, but the inflorescence of the Talipot palm is branched rather than unbranched.
Due to its odor, which is reminiscent of the smell of a decomposing mammal, the titan arum is characterized as a carrion flower, and is also known as the "corpse flower", or "corpse plant" (Indonesian: bunga bangkai – bunga means flower, while bangkai means corpse or cadaver). For the same reason, the title "corpse flower" is also attributed to the genus Rafflesia which, like the titan arum, grows in the rainforests of Sumatra.

Sumatra is also known for its vicious Rat Monkeys

The titan arum's inflorescence can reach over 3 metres (10 ft) in height. Like the related cuckoo pint and calla lily, it consists of a fragrant spadix of flowers wrapped by a spathe, which looks like a large petal. In the case of the titan arum, the spathe is green on the outside and dark burgundy red on the inside, and deeply furrowed. The spadix is hollow and resembles a large loaf of French bread. The upper, visible portion of the spadix is covered in pollen, while its lower extremity is spangled with bright red-orange carpels. The "fragrance" of the titan arum resembles rotting meat, attracting carrion-eating beetles and Flesh Flies (family Sarcophagidae) that pollinate it. The inflorescence's deep red color and texture contribute to the illusion that the spathe is a piece of meat. During bloom, the tip of the spadix is approximately human body temperature, which helps the perfume volatilize; this heat is also believed to assist in the illusion that attracts carcass-eating insects.
After the flower dies back, a single leaf, which reaches the size of a small tree, grows from the underground corm. The leaf grows on a semi-green stalk that branches into three sections at the top, each containing many leaflets. The leaf structure can reach up to 6 metres (20 ft) tall and 5 metres (16 ft) across. Each year, the old leaf dies and a new one grows in its place. When the corm has stored enough energy, it becomes dormant for about 4 months. Then, the process repeats.
The corm is the largest known, weighing around 50 kilograms (110 lb). When a specimen at the Princess of Wales Conservatory, Kew Gardens, was repotted after its dormant period, the weight was recorded as 91 kilograms (200 lb).

Above: Visual approximation of Amorphophallus titanum's bloom odor

Left: related "corpse flower" species Rafflesia.

So let's see here: Amorphophallus titanum is a flower that a) comes from the very-metal location of Sumatra, b) grows to as much as 20 feet tall and 16 feet wide, c) blooms only after 7-15 years of life, d) has a Latin name that means "giant, misshapen dick", and e) mimics the smell (and appearance, and temperature) of rotting flesh to attract insects.
Holy fuck. That is Very Metal.

For a fucking flower, I mean.



Titan arum blooming in time lapse:



And lastly, David Attenborough breaks it down:




PS: Speaking of shit that stinks, Episode 16 of IllCon Radio is now up for download and streaming HERE. Learn about the deep UFOlogy behind Blink 182, Alan Moore’s masturbation sorcery, and the soon-to-be-released Grateful Dead MMORPG!

Lots of really cool stuff is coming up on the show in January as well, including an in-depth study of the conspiracy theories connected to Kubrick's The Shining (hint: it's a palindrome), an interview with Peaches Christ, an entire episode about Disney's ties to mind control, Illuminati symbolism, and Satan, and the return of the almighty Freeman. Turn on, tune in, and HESH OUT!