Being the little brother of an established rock star is a mixed blessing. Sure you can get more hype for your crap band but you will forever be in the shadow of the dickhead that kicked your ass when you were little. Here at Ill Con Labs we have been doing extensive research on the phenomena of little brother bands and we have come to this conclusion: THEY ARE ALL SHITTY.
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| Deep inside Ill Con LABS |
Through many years of studying we can now bring you the definitive list of THE TOP SIX SHITTY LITTLE BROTHER BANDS EVER (after the jump)!
6 - .38 Special
Legendary Lynard Skynard front man Ronnie Van Zant will go down in history as one of the most badass singer/lyricists of all time. Too bad his shitty little brother Donnie won't. Known for their famous earworm "Hold On Loosely," which is obviously about Van Zant's masturbation style, .38 Special will forever be known as one of the most frequent bands on the county fair circuit. Amazingly .38 Special have recorded a whopping TWELVE albums including a disastrous Christmas album. Catch them live since they are
perpetually on tour playing venues full of people waiting for that "one song."
5 - Malo
This is Carlos Santana's little bro Jorge's band. Known for their hit "Suavecito" which should be familiar to any red blooded Chicano American. I have to admit that I have mad love for that song as a burrito eater of Mexican decent, but the rest of their 8 album output? SHIT SHIT SHIT. Admittedly Carlos has become a total flaming bag of musical poop himself over the last decade. However those first 5 Santana albums (Self Titled - Welcome) are mighty, brutal and heavy as fuck. That's right. I rep for early Santana!
4 - Powerman 5000
I don't even know where to start with this fuckface. Powerman 5000 is the brainchild of "Spider One," younger brother of one the worst rock vocalist of all time Rob Zombie. If you thought "Dragula" was bad then you have never heard "When Worlds Collide" the one Powerman 5000 song to hit the charts. He's actually a WORSE singer than his older bro which is saying something! These guys basically cornered the shitty soundtrack market, as their contributions to terrible soundtracks is mightily impressive. Here is just a partial list of the soundtracks they have appeared on in addition to their 9 craptastic studio albums:
Freddy vs. Jason, Bride Of Chucky, End Of Days, Zoolander, Universal Soldier: The Return, Little Nicky, Scream 3, Dracula 2000, Blade II, Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave, NASCAR Thunder 2004
And thats just the tip of the iceberg! SHEESH! The only movie in that list I'll stand behind is
Zoolander, though I have not seen
Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave which I must say intrigues me. I guess
Blade II is OKAY.
3 - Adema
Fuck Bakersfield, CA for being a shitty town that gave us not one, but two of the shittiest bands of the last two decades. This band is fronted by Mark Chavez, who is the lil' half bro of the current King Of Dubstep, KORN's Johnathan Davis. Yes, this band got a record deal by riding KORN's coattails. How can they sleep at night? Can you imagine the groupies they get? Like Powerman 5000 they ended up on a bunch of b-movie soundtracks and still seem to be playing in some form or another. They are currently playing venues called things like "
Bleachers Sports Bar" in Bristol, CT and have 4 amazingly awful albums under their belt You remember their song. It's the worst. Fuck you, Adema!
2 - Bloodcum
Ok this one gets a little confusing. The bass player in this 80s thrash outfit is the little brother of Slayer's Tom Araya. That is a fact. However the singer "Joey Hanneman" was NOT the brother of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman and they just gave him that name as a joke since they kind of looked alike. I guess they reformed in 2005 and play shows on and off. These guys get a pass because they aren't that bad and LOL "BLOODCUM" is a funnie name, but let's face it, compared to Slayer they completely suck.
1- Audiovent
Fucking hands down, without a doubt, no two ways about it, the WORST little bro band in the world ever is the steaming pile of dreck known as Audiovent. Audiovent is very special as 3 out of the 4 members are little brothers of the terrible people known as alternative rockers Incubus. THREE OUT OF FOUR MEMBERS. FUCKKKK ME! According to wiki:
Three out of four of the original members of Audiovent are related to members of the band Incubus. Jason Boyd is the brother of vocalist Brandon Boyd. Benjamin Einziger is brother of guitarist Mike Einziger, and Paul Fried is their stepbrother.
Everything about this band is utterly embarrassing for everyone involed. Their lyrics were juvenile at best. Riffs? Who needs riffs? The production sounds like my butt. Look at that motherfucker's half shirt. Makes me upset.
They achieved minor success in 2002 touring with other amazingly disgusting bands like Saliva (RIP) and Theory of a Deadman (lol).Also they are from Calabasas, CA which is the same suburban cesspool of rich white shitheads as Linkin Park and the Kardashians (they are Armenian but you get my drift). Thank god they broke up in 2004. Something we can all be happy about.
Honorable mention: Roger Clinton
Little bro to our very own rockstar POTUS, Roger Clinton is famous for doing coke while Bill was Governor (
which Bill later pardoned him from while in office!) and releasing a terrible album of whiteboy blues while his older brother was the president. Roger is also an actor appearing in such films as Fred Claus and Pumpkinhead II!
A true American hero! Roger Clinton we salute you!!!!!
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| Recent shot of the Clinton Bros. I would totally smoke a blunt with these dudes. |
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