Sorry ladies and gents, I just realized its been almost two weeks since my last post here at IllCon (found here). Man, I'm slacking hard these days! (these damn classes I'm taking are getting in the way... fuckin' A!)
To be brutally honest, I was a bit disappointed in all y'all out there as no one commented on my last post (again, found here) so I have no idea whether it was worthy or not. However people have been downloading the shit out of the link I provided so it is safe to assume that someone, somewhere out there must dig it, right?
Shit...
So in light of my absence here on IllCon as of late, I present you with this slab of awesomeness!! Are you excited?! You should be excited, as it is m@#$%!@#$%!@g DEATH STRIKE!! Bro!! Dude, man!
Straight out of Chicago, Illinois, Death Strike formed in 1984, long before many of the so-called "death metal" bands of today were even kernels of inspiration; long before the scenesters of today were barely even out of their diapers, including myself. They released one demo in 1985 under the same title name as their full length, Fuckin' Death, which was released in 1991. The band split sometime in 1992 after-which members went on to other bands, most notably the almighty Master. The sound is crude, reminiscent of Celtic Frost and Hell Hammer with some elements of hardcore but is just as heavy and brutal as any other release during that time. It reminds me of an earlier, more crude version of Usurper at times. If anything, this release provides an interesting bit of retrospective in terms of understanding the origins of the death metal scene, particularly here in the States.
To quote ANUS, Death Strike are "[o]ne of the founding death metal acts... combin[ing] raging hardcore mayhem with old school metal to create a low-end flesh destroying death metal nightmare." Enough said!
As the IllCon Global Elite already know, we like to kick back and celebrate every 500 posts or so around here, taking a moment to pontificate on the wonderful, wacky universe that has been created herein over the course of the last two years and thirty days. Our last retrospective, ONE FUCKING THOUSAND, was published March 15, 2010, and its predecessor, The IC 500, hit the presses on May 15, 2009--how fitting that lucky post number 1,500 lands right square on New Year's Eve 2010. Anyhow, we need not spend any time fellating ourselves over the huge cultural impact IC has had on society at large, nor do we need to expend any unnecessary energy fist-bumping over the huge piles of cash and hot babes this blog has scored us. Suffice to say that WE'RE SUPER EXCITED, and a quick walk down memory lane, encompassing the high points of the last half-thousand posts, should be celebration enough.
IllCon came strong out of the gate right after post number 1,000, publishing the highly influential and Earth-shattering GLOM (Gorgeous Ladies of Metal) post on March 17. This post was written as a response to Revolver magazine's exceedingly patronizing "Hottest Chicks In Metal" yearly feature, showing that chicks have chops in the game, and that success in the metal genre doesn't always depend on cup size. I think our friend Generic Viagra summed it up pretty well in the comments section, when he claimed (and I quote):
"That is the real deal, no playing around with girls that are in the spotlight just because they are hot. That is not Metal, that's fashion with a riff. This is Metal for real and these bands simply kick ass.
Viagra Online Cheap Viagra"
Speaking of ladies in metal, Seanford followed up the GLOM post with a fascinating Blackholicus interview on March 18, in which he quizzed bassist/vocalist Margaret mercilessly on the mind-numbing minutae of everyday life in one of the NWOAHM's finest new bands.
The People Vs. Joey DeMaio (March 19) was some fucked up shit, and was immediately followed by further fucked up shit in the form of March 24th'sFrom Philly To Montauk post. Is the Montauk Monster indeed a multi-dimensional visitor from astral planes unknown?
Yes, of course. Don't be an idiot.
An old classic:
A new classic:
The Second Annual IC Coloring Contest (left) once again reared its ugly head on March 25, bringing in approximately 10 times the entries it did in Year One, many of them disturbing, all of them awesome. The results were published on April 1, and the winner was announced the next day (it was my nephew, whose entry is shown below). But even the most innocent contest can turn ugly in a heartbeat, and my failure to send Nephew Carlos his prize in a prompt fashion raised the ire of my sister, who hired a mercenary rapper to extract revenge. The saga closed months later, when I was thoroughly PWNT by Rap Master Maurice via voice message on September 13th. Harsh.
Speaking of controversy, who else remembers the hubbub that followed my post about Bobby Liebling (right) and his young, pregnant wife Hallie on March 28? Man, people got pissed about that. Good times.
We then interviewed Mike Scalzi, guitarist/vocalist for The Lord Weird Slough Feg, on April 20, and explored the wonders of grindcore ho-bag Cyco Eva the following day. That shit was brutal.
BOOTY BASS, published on May 5, 2010, was a personal favorite of mine. Whose soul is so dead that they can't appreciate the exquisite intricasies of BOOTY BASS? Especially when it's coming out of the back of a mid-90's mini-truck? Not I.
IllCon participated in The Blair Blog Project on May 12, reviewing the Leslie Nielsen/Linda Blair classic Repossessed! in the process. We thank Mr. Goodkind for our inclusion.
Yachtmystium (May 12) was wacky fun, but things soon got somber with the death of IC Hero Ronnie James Dio on May 16. Our reactions to the passing of a heavy metal icon can be found here,here. and here.
June 7, 2010: NPR reads IC? (It's true, and so does Stephen Colbert.)
No matter which side of the fence you're on in regards to the Juggalo-Parrothead controversy, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Hipsters Can't Name Bands For Shit (July 1).
On July 4, IllCon asked for requests. These were the results:
All of the fuss about San Francisco's metal scene was followed by a quick departure to Austin, Texas, as Seanford introduced us to the History of Fancy Metal (July 11).
We were introduced to the technicolor douchery of Burning Dan on August 23, 2010, and were genuinely saddened to hear of his death less than a month and a half later. RIP Burning Dan. You might have been a douche, but it seemed like you were at least a nice douche. Has anyone else noticed that all the cool people are dying? Captain Beefheart, Dio, Swayze, Gary Coleman, Cory Haim. What gives? I guess some folks are just too good for this Earthly plane. Speaking of death and sadness...
Things have remained strange and fascinating here in IllCon land recently, as we've checked in with our favorite reader Generic Viagra not once (10/15), but twice (Dec 20). It's almost TOO MUCH stimulation!
The Goodkind was nice enough to invite us back for Kotto Week on November 19, and IllCon obliged with a detailed post about the insurmountably amazing Yaphet Kotto/Gary Busey star vehicle Eye of The Tiger. Hopefully we'll see more collaborative film blogging in the future.
Bullshit For Shitty Boy (11/21) was a fine venue for me to express my rage. I'm glad you all felt it too.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the reaction to what happened on December 6: HOLOCAUST! Seriously, that shit was fucked up. Who knew that having opinions on the internet was so frowned upon, and could get you in so much trouble? It was SO bad, in fact, that I had to return to make amends on December 9: APOLOGY. I guess I'm still learning the proverbial ropes, eh?
THE TOP 5 IMAGES OF THE LAST 500 POSTS
BLACK SEAS OF INFINITY
SPACE JUGGALOS!
BEST ALBUM COVER EVER?
DAT ASS
Let's end it right there, with what might possibly be the most inspiring image ever seen on this blog (or elsewhere).
I thank you all for your continued patronage. Let's talk again at 2,000.
A cake? For me? Really? Oh my god, I can't believe you guys remembered IllCon's second birthday. That's so cool! Wait, what? The cake wasn't for me? Oh, cool. No, that's okay. No really, it's cool. No, I'm sure lots of people celebrate Jaco Pastorius' birthday with cake and ice cream. Sounds totally normal. He would have been 59, I know. Yeah, total tragedy. No, my feelings aren't hurt. Not at all. Really, enjoy your cake. Really.
... Assholes.
What? Nothing. No. I didn't say anything. OK, see ya.
Hey, did I mention today marks the completion of our SECOND YEAR here at Illogical Contraption, "one of the most amazingly retarded geysers of intellectual circularity (the world has) ever seen" (Seth J.G. Goodkind, Lost Video Archive)? Because it fucking does, and I think everyone here at ICHQ deserves a high five. Two years is kind of a long time to sit in front of a computer screen and try to think up semi-witty shit to say about generic death metal records.
Anyhoo, if I am to believe what Sitemeter tells me, IC has enjoyed approximately four times the visits this year as it did last year (100,000ish Dec '08-Dec '09, 400,000ish Dec '09-Dec '10), which to me signals that a lot of you clowns have jumped on the bandwagon within the last 12 months or so. And THAT means that a lot of you guys missed out on tons of cool shit that happened in the first year of this blog's existence. So today, I thought we could take a brief walk down memory lane, explore the IllCon vaults so to speak and look back at a couple of forgotten jams from yesteryear. Or maybe from just the first six months or so.
Good Gods, there's alot of shit to read on this sucker. My eyeballs are vibrating. Look for another one of these retrospective-type things when IC hits 1,500 posts (probably) around the beginning of next year...
My sincere thanks to all the motherfuckers and motherfuckettes that have contributed to this thing in the last 730 days, and thanks to all you IC Bros for reading (and listening). You guys don't suck.
Lastly, a reminder to come see Seanford (below) and Huntress at the Victory Warehouse in Oakland this Friday and Bender's in SF this Saturday. Would it kill you to come out and meet Team IllCon in person? And maybe buy us a beer or two?
