The 6 Shittiest Little Brother Bands Of All Time

Being the little brother of an established rock star is a mixed blessing. Sure you can get more hype for your crap band but you will forever be in the shadow of the dickhead that kicked your ass when you were little. Here at Ill Con Labs we have been doing extensive research on the phenomena of little brother bands and we have come to this conclusion: THEY ARE ALL SHITTY.

Deep inside Ill Con LABS

Through many years of studying we can now bring you the definitive list of THE TOP SIX SHITTY LITTLE BROTHER BANDS EVER (after the jump)!

6 - .38 Special

Legendary Lynard Skynard front man Ronnie Van Zant will go down in history as one of the most badass singer/lyricists of all time. Too bad his shitty little brother Donnie won't. Known for their famous earworm "Hold On Loosely," which is obviously about Van Zant's masturbation style, .38 Special will forever be known as one of the most frequent bands on the county fair circuit. Amazingly .38 Special have recorded a whopping TWELVE albums including a disastrous Christmas album. Catch them live since they are perpetually on tour playing venues full of people waiting for that "one song."

5 - Malo

This is Carlos Santana's little bro Jorge's band. Known for their hit "Suavecito" which should be familiar to any red blooded Chicano American. I have to admit that I have mad love for that song as a burrito eater of Mexican decent, but the rest of their 8 album output? SHIT SHIT SHIT. Admittedly Carlos has become a total flaming bag of musical poop himself over the last decade. However those first 5 Santana albums (Self Titled - Welcome) are mighty, brutal and heavy as fuck. That's right. I rep for early Santana!

PS: Malo is also perpetually on tour. I'm seeing a trend here.

4 - Powerman 5000

I don't even know where to start with this fuckface. Powerman 5000 is the brainchild of "Spider One," younger brother of one the worst rock vocalist of all time Rob Zombie. If you thought "Dragula" was bad then you have never heard "When Worlds Collide" the one Powerman 5000 song to hit the charts. He's actually a WORSE singer than his older bro which is saying something! These guys basically cornered the shitty soundtrack market, as their contributions to terrible soundtracks is mightily impressive. Here is just a partial list of the soundtracks they have appeared on in addition to their 9 craptastic studio albums:

Freddy vs. Jason, Bride Of Chucky, End Of Days, Zoolander, Universal Soldier: The Return, Little Nicky, Scream 3, Dracula 2000, Blade II, Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave, NASCAR Thunder 2004


And thats just the tip of the iceberg! SHEESH! The only movie in that list I'll stand behind is Zoolander, though I have not seen Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave which I must say intrigues me. I guess Blade II is OKAY.

3 - Adema

Fuck Bakersfield, CA for being a shitty town that gave us not one, but two of the shittiest bands of the last two decades. This band is fronted by Mark Chavez, who is the lil' half bro of the current King Of Dubstep, KORN's Johnathan Davis. Yes, this band got a record deal by riding KORN's coattails. How can they sleep at night? Can you imagine the groupies they get? Like Powerman 5000 they ended up on a bunch of b-movie soundtracks and still seem to be playing in some form or another. They are currently playing venues called things like "Bleachers Sports Bar" in Bristol, CT and have 4 amazingly awful albums under their belt  You remember their song. It's the worst. Fuck you, Adema! 

2 - Bloodcum

Ok this one gets a little confusing. The bass player in this 80s thrash outfit is the little brother of Slayer's Tom Araya. That is a fact. However the singer "Joey Hanneman" was NOT the brother of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman and they just gave him that name as a joke since they kind of looked alike. I guess they reformed in 2005 and play shows on and off. These guys get a pass because they aren't that bad and LOL "BLOODCUM" is a funnie name, but let's face it, compared to Slayer they completely suck.

1- Audiovent

Fucking hands down, without a doubt, no two ways about it, the WORST little bro band in the world ever is the steaming pile of dreck known as Audiovent. Audiovent is very special as 3 out of the 4 members are little brothers of the terrible people known as alternative rockers Incubus. THREE OUT OF FOUR MEMBERS. FUCKKKK ME! According to wiki:


Three out of four of the original members of Audiovent are related to members of the band Incubus. Jason Boyd is the brother of vocalist Brandon Boyd. Benjamin Einziger is brother of guitarist Mike Einziger, and Paul Fried is their stepbrother.


Everything about this band is utterly embarrassing for everyone involed. Their lyrics were juvenile at best. Riffs? Who needs riffs? The production sounds like my butt. Look at that motherfucker's half shirt. Makes me upset.


They achieved minor success in 2002 touring with other amazingly disgusting bands like Saliva (RIP) and Theory of a Deadman (lol).Also they are from Calabasas, CA which is the same suburban cesspool of rich white shitheads as Linkin Park and the Kardashians (they are Armenian but you get my drift). Thank god they broke up in 2004. Something we can all be happy about. 

Honorable mention: Roger Clinton

Little bro to our very own rockstar POTUS, Roger Clinton is famous for doing coke while Bill was Governor (which Bill later pardoned him from while in office!) and releasing a terrible album of whiteboy blues while his older brother was the president. Roger is also an actor appearing in such films as Fred Claus and Pumpkinhead II!

A true American hero! Roger Clinton we salute you!!!!!

Recent shot of the Clinton Bros. I would totally smoke a blunt with these dudes.

Check out this hot JAMMMMM! WALKIN' THE DOGGG!! OWWWWWWWWW!

VOMITORY - Redemption (1999)

The Swedish have always been pretty handy at this death metal lark. If you asked someone to compile a list of favourite death metal bands then surely at least one would be Swedish. Its just the law of averages. Today's post, Vomitory, are Swedish and play death metal.

Redemption is the follow up to the primitive Swede-death brutality of  1996's debut, Raped In Their Own Blood. Catchy stuff, but Vomitory refined the brutality and blasted those teenage Venom and Slayer influences into shape with this album. Catchy, thrashing buzzsaw guitars, drums that shift between all out blasting and d-beat, some monstrous breakdowns and those depth of hell vocals combine with a pretty flawless production job courtesy of Henrik Larsson. From the opening blast of "The Voyage" to the crushing tempo shifting finish of "Partly Dead", there is no let up whatsoever. Swedish death wins again.

GET IT

Encyclopedia Metallum

BRUTALITY

100 Posts

Seanford at home

Being the first IC contributor to reach 100 posts is an unflattering achievement. Does it mean my boss just comes into work less often then your boss? Or does it mean I've stopped getting laid? Remember when I used to get laid all the time? What happened to that? I wonder if it has anything to do with my Four Loko phase? What was that about? And now that that's over, what's next?


Highfiving Myself (A Celebrasean)


Best ProtoMetal/Heavy 70's Record
HERE



6 Pack of ProtoMetal found here.
6 Pack of Psyche found here.


Best Epic Soundtrack Music

HERE



Remember when I laid you down slow with some Doom Humping?


Best Heavy Funk/DudeWop Record

HERE



Remember that EPIC Roky Erickson Retrospective?



Best Underground Fancy Metal

HERE



This was probably the best record you didnt download. Foolishness.


Best Unreleased Record

HERE



Every Witchfinder General recording ever?? Man, what a bro.

SCHULTZ: SWEEP-PICKING THE FLUGELHORNS (A Very Partial Discography)

It's been months now, Schultz. MONTHS.
I can't stop listening to your rap album. I can't stop listening to the seeemingly endless stream of "fake" bands you created in the early half of this decade. You are a fucked up dude. In the BEST possible sense of the word.
For any of you as of yet unacquainted with Mr. Steven Schultz, I offer a brief primer on this mysterious recluse's history and whereabouts:
Schultz writes the excellent expatriate manifesto TOKYO DAMAGE REPORT from the comfort of his home in that city, expounding at length on the strange mannerisms, customs, and music of Japan; sometimes translating previously-untranslated novels in their entirety, sometimes sharing pictures, sometimes stories. It is an indispensable resource for not only the western Japanophile but for students of human nature in general, from the highest highbrow intellectual to the lowest lowbrow humorist.
Schultz, once upon a time, resided in the Bay Area of California, and collaborated with many indigenous musicians. We share mutual friends but have never met face to face. He even wrote for IllCon for a brief, glorious moment.

Left: Mr. Schultz also freelances as a terrorist from time to time.

But first and foremost, this guy is an insane fucking musician. Within the last few months, he has been releasing a steady stream of old recordings (via MediaFire) on Tokyo Damage Report, from solo albums to the aforementioned "fake" bands to "real" bands he was in to extended inside jokes that turned into full-length albums (check out "The Criminally Insane Project". It's really, really, really weird shit, and, in a way, seems like the perfect soundtrack for reading Illogical Contraption (but only on our very best days). Schultz's music is schizophrenic, well thought-out, offensive, funny, eclectic, and often, pretty stupid. Like I said, I'm hooked.
It's been MONTHS.

Below, I've posted my "Top 5" Schultz albums. There are many, many more, which can be located easily by clicking on the "my mp3's" tag over at Tokyo Damage Report. I highly recommend going over there and having a look around if you like what you hear, as Schultz always includes extensive liner notes, full lyrics, and conceptual backstory for everything he posts--something I am absolutely unqualified to do. Schultz is a madman, and a 100% "acquired taste". But if I can teach just one person about the terrifying wonders of his music--just ONE--then I have done my job. Please enjoy responsibly.


1) STEVEN SCHULTZ - I FORGOT TO GET A RAP NAME (2000)

As good a departure point as any. Tripped-out, off-beat, off-time rap songs about stalking Maury Povich, being a gay pirate, being a whale, being an Eskimo, rap-metal being lame, being the singer for Christian Death, and "other people's hypothalamai". A dark voyage into the horrifying depths of Schultz's psyche. Amazing, confusing, addictive, and hilarious. The sound effects in "Wackness Quotient: Intro" alone make this CD worth the cover price.

dl: FUCK A HARPOON
originally posted by Schultz HERE


2) PUNY HUMANS - NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND OUR GENIOUS (2002)

Bungle-esque mindfuck collaboration between Schultz and Impaled guitarist/all-around musical genius (genious?) Jason Kocol. The whole album is basically a complex series of obsessively-orchestrated funk/jazz/metal/avant-garde pieces structured around a series of inside jokes and samples from The Big Lebowski, and repeat listens will only serve to confuse you further. Guaranteed to make your head hurt.
Let's not forget about the showtunes ("What's Really Happening To Me") or the music-nerd ProTools psychobabble during the coda of "Sweep-Picking The Flugelhorns" either. Fuck.

dl: DEICIDE, IN THEIR MOM'S BASEMENT
originally posted by Schultz HERE

3) THE AMINO ASSHOLES - COLLECTED WORKS (2002)

Ever wonder what it would sound like if Morbid Angel covered Van Halen? How about Corrupted playing the theme song for Meow Mix brand cat food? Sinatra doing Black Flag? No?
Well, you suck. Because Schultz not only wonders such things, he actualizes them. The Amino Assholes are another of his short-lived "fake" bands, the concept behind which being "impersonations of bands and/or artists covering other bands and/or artists". Is your mind completely blown yet? It should be.

dl: MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW/
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW/
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
originally posted by Schultz HERE


4) BUSUCHAN - DEFRAG MY HEART (2000)

I guess this is as close to a "rock" album as Steven Schultz will ever create, although it occasionally lapses into free-form Zorn worship from time to time as well. Schultz claims that this is his version of "romantic" music, which, if you think about it, is quite obvious: there are at least three songs about ASS ("Kingdom of Ass", "Looking All Deformed Like Cindy Crawford", and "More White Ass For Asian Guys") and at least two written on the subject of TESTICLES ("Take My Balls" and "Scrotum Symphony"). If Frank Zappa had sex with The Illuminatus! Trilogy, their love-child would look something like Defrag My Heart. Except even Zappa would have a hard time writing a piece of music as fucked up as "Terpsecholorean Splendor of Careening Trilobites".

dl: TAKE MY BALLS
originally posted by Schultz HERE


5) BOUNINJOUTAI (防人情隊) - TOKYO AIZO (逃狂愛憎) (2004)

Another "fake" band, this one an ESL/Japanese hardcore group bent on annihilating every living (and non-living) thing in the Land of The Rising Sun. I guess Schultz was pretty angry at Japan in general when he wrote this stuff, and the vitriol shines through. But, like everything he does, it remains pretty fucking hilarious at the same time. The process of creating Tokyo Aizo involved writing lyrics for 33 songs in Japanese, which he then filtered through a translation program back into English and published on TDR. The results are super awesome amazing Engrish fun! Check 'em out via the link below the album cover.

dl: UTTER DESPAIR AND SOUL DIARRHEA
originally posted by Schultz HERE

I apologize for the unabashed hero-worship, but Schultz deserves it. His music is like a big stinky onion--the more layers you peel away, the more pungent it gets. Only download this stuff if you have lots of free time to devote to it. You'll need it to decipher the heaping portions of hidden messages, shredding metal riffage, inside jokes, psychedelic lyrics, and sheer, unadulterated GENIOUS contained herein.


... All of which is, of course, just my way of asking Schultz to move back to the good ol' US of A and play lead guitar in my new band. PLEASE?

1500

That's a lot of posts

As the IllCon Global Elite already know, we like to kick back and celebrate every 500 posts or so around here, taking a moment to pontificate on the wonderful, wacky universe that has been created herein over the course of the last two years and thirty days. Our last retrospective, ONE FUCKING THOUSAND, was published March 15, 2010, and its predecessor, The IC 500, hit the presses on May 15, 2009--how fitting that lucky post number 1,500 lands right square on New Year's Eve 2010. Anyhow, we need not spend any time fellating ourselves over the huge cultural impact IC has had on society at large, nor do we need to expend any unnecessary energy fist-bumping over the huge piles of cash and hot babes this blog has scored us. Suffice to say that WE'RE SUPER EXCITED, and a quick walk down memory lane, encompassing the high points of the last half-thousand posts, should be celebration enough.

IllCon came strong out of the gate right after post number 1,000, publishing the highly influential and Earth-shattering GLOM (Gorgeous Ladies of Metal) post on March 17. This post was written as a response to Revolver magazine's exceedingly patronizing "Hottest Chicks In Metal" yearly feature, showing that chicks have chops in the game, and that success in the metal genre doesn't always depend on cup size. I think our friend Generic Viagra summed it up pretty well in the comments section, when he claimed (and I quote):

"That is the real deal, no playing around with girls that are in the spotlight just because they are hot. That is not Metal, that's fashion with a riff. This is Metal for real and these bands simply kick ass.

Viagra Online Cheap Viagra"

Speaking of ladies in metal, Seanford followed up the GLOM post with a fascinating Blackholicus interview on March 18, in which he quizzed bassist/vocalist Margaret mercilessly on the mind-numbing minutae of everyday life in one of the NWOAHM's finest new bands.

The People Vs. Joey DeMaio (March 19) was some fucked up shit, and was immediately followed by further fucked up shit in the form of March 24th'sFrom Philly To Montauk post. Is the Montauk Monster indeed a multi-dimensional visitor from astral planes unknown?

Yes, of course. Don't be an idiot.

An old classic:







A new classic:





The Second Annual IC Coloring Contest (left) once again reared its ugly head on March 25, bringing in approximately 10 times the entries it did in Year One, many of them disturbing, all of them awesome. The results were published on April 1, and the winner was announced the next day (it was my nephew, whose entry is shown below). But even the most innocent contest can turn ugly in a heartbeat, and my failure to send Nephew Carlos his prize in a prompt fashion raised the ire of my sister, who hired a mercenary rapper to extract revenge. The saga closed months later, when I was thoroughly PWNT by Rap Master Maurice via voice message on September 13th. Harsh.



Speaking of controversy, who else remembers the hubbub that followed my post about Bobby Liebling (right) and his young, pregnant wife Hallie on March 28? Man, people got pissed about that. Good times.

The Goodkind's first post, The Forgotten Revolution, was published the following day, followed by Helm's epic Prog-Metal Interlude on April 2nd. Speaking of Bromantic Interludes...

BradethQ (Apr 5)
Mike Desert (Apr 9)
Phelpster (Apr 12) / (May 21)
Crankenstien (Apr 19)
Steven (Apr 26)
Aylmer (May 15)
Hell Crust (May 17)
Helm (7/19)
Wendy Stonehenge(10/10/10)
JGD (Dec 13)



The Manslaughter Devirginization happened on April 6, 2010.

April 16, 2010: ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION II: BATTLE AT THE EDGE OF TIME! That shit was AWESOME!

We then interviewed Mike Scalzi, guitarist/vocalist for The Lord Weird Slough Feg, on April 20, and explored the wonders of grindcore ho-bag Cyco Eva the following day. That shit was brutal.

Two days after that, we tried to decide if Suffocation's Frank Mullen is emo, and a week and a half later we caught up with modern times via
Observations on the State of Modern Metal (May 4). Part 2 came on August 25.

BOOTY BASS, published on May 5, 2010, was a personal favorite of mine. Whose soul is so dead that they can't appreciate the exquisite intricasies of BOOTY BASS? Especially when it's coming out of the back of a mid-90's mini-truck? Not I.

IllCon participated in The Blair Blog Project on May 12, reviewing the Leslie Nielsen/Linda Blair classic Repossessed! in the process. We thank Mr. Goodkind for our inclusion.

Yachtmystium (May 12) was wacky fun, but things soon got somber with the death of IC Hero Ronnie James Dio on May 16. Our reactions to the passing of a heavy metal icon can be found here,here. and here.

June 7, 2010: NPR reads IC? (It's true, and so does Stephen Colbert.)

June 16, 2010: David Icke Mega-Post. The IC/Reptoid saga continues...


Question: Are Parrotheads Worse Than Juggalos? (June 17)

No matter which side of the fence you're on in regards to the Juggalo-Parrothead controversy, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Hipsters Can't Name Bands For Shit (July 1).

On July 4, IllCon asked for requests. These were the results:

- Genesis P-Orridge
- Short Songs
- Music Movies
- Future Sportz (Aylmer)
- Total Copout



Local metal goodies! S(ean)F(ord) 0n SF: Saros, Walken, Grayceon, Champs & Cretaceous!

Manslaughter on SF: Giant Squid, MS on BA, MS on BA, Round 2.

Cobras: SC on SF.

All of the fuss about San Francisco's metal scene was followed by a quick departure to Austin, Texas, as Seanford introduced us to the History of Fancy Metal (July 11).

The Thing That Should Not Be arrived on August 18th. The universe trembled.

Oh, and for the record, THIS DOES NOT COUNT AS A POST.



We were introduced to the technicolor douchery of Burning Dan on August 23, 2010, and were genuinely saddened to hear of his death less than a month and a half later. RIP Burning Dan. You might have been a douche, but it seemed like you were at least a nice douche.
Has anyone else noticed that all the cool people are dying? Captain Beefheart, Dio, Swayze, Gary Coleman, Cory Haim. What gives? I guess some folks are just too good for this Earthly plane. Speaking of death and sadness...

Schultz arrived on August 29th, 2010. The universe cowered in fear.


STEPHEN HAWKING IS A FUCKING SHOW-OFF (Sept 10)

Things have remained strange and fascinating here in IllCon land recently, as we've checked in with our favorite reader Generic Viagra not once (10/15), but twice (Dec 20). It's almost TOO MUCH stimulation!

Cory brought us some extremely HARSH VIBES on October 28, and the conspiracy deepened with the New Mexican Alien-CIA Lazer Battle 1979 on November 18.

The Goodkind was nice enough to invite us back for Kotto Week on November 19, and IllCon obliged with a detailed post about the insurmountably amazing Yaphet Kotto/Gary Busey star vehicle Eye of The Tiger. Hopefully we'll see more collaborative film blogging in the future.

Bullshit For Shitty Boy (11/21) was a fine venue for me to express my rage. I'm glad you all felt it too.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the reaction to what happened on December 6: HOLOCAUST! Seriously, that shit was fucked up. Who knew that having opinions on the internet was so frowned upon, and could get you in so much trouble? It was SO bad, in fact, that I had to return to make amends on December 9: APOLOGY. I guess I'm still learning the proverbial ropes, eh?



THE TOP 5 IMAGES OF THE LAST 500 POSTS

BLACK SEAS OF INFINITY

SPACE JUGGALOS!

BEST ALBUM COVER EVER?

DAT ASS

Let's end it right there, with what might possibly be the most inspiring image ever seen on this blog (or elsewhere).

I thank you all for your continued patronage. Let's talk again at 2,000.

METAL BROTHERS, WE MUST DOMINATE