The 6 Shittiest Little Brother Bands Of All Time

Being the little brother of an established rock star is a mixed blessing. Sure you can get more hype for your crap band but you will forever be in the shadow of the dickhead that kicked your ass when you were little. Here at Ill Con Labs we have been doing extensive research on the phenomena of little brother bands and we have come to this conclusion: THEY ARE ALL SHITTY.

Deep inside Ill Con LABS

Through many years of studying we can now bring you the definitive list of THE TOP SIX SHITTY LITTLE BROTHER BANDS EVER (after the jump)!

6 - .38 Special

Legendary Lynard Skynard front man Ronnie Van Zant will go down in history as one of the most badass singer/lyricists of all time. Too bad his shitty little brother Donnie won't. Known for their famous earworm "Hold On Loosely," which is obviously about Van Zant's masturbation style, .38 Special will forever be known as one of the most frequent bands on the county fair circuit. Amazingly .38 Special have recorded a whopping TWELVE albums including a disastrous Christmas album. Catch them live since they are perpetually on tour playing venues full of people waiting for that "one song."

5 - Malo

This is Carlos Santana's little bro Jorge's band. Known for their hit "Suavecito" which should be familiar to any red blooded Chicano American. I have to admit that I have mad love for that song as a burrito eater of Mexican decent, but the rest of their 8 album output? SHIT SHIT SHIT. Admittedly Carlos has become a total flaming bag of musical poop himself over the last decade. However those first 5 Santana albums (Self Titled - Welcome) are mighty, brutal and heavy as fuck. That's right. I rep for early Santana!

PS: Malo is also perpetually on tour. I'm seeing a trend here.

4 - Powerman 5000

I don't even know where to start with this fuckface. Powerman 5000 is the brainchild of "Spider One," younger brother of one the worst rock vocalist of all time Rob Zombie. If you thought "Dragula" was bad then you have never heard "When Worlds Collide" the one Powerman 5000 song to hit the charts. He's actually a WORSE singer than his older bro which is saying something! These guys basically cornered the shitty soundtrack market, as their contributions to terrible soundtracks is mightily impressive. Here is just a partial list of the soundtracks they have appeared on in addition to their 9 craptastic studio albums:

Freddy vs. Jason, Bride Of Chucky, End Of Days, Zoolander, Universal Soldier: The Return, Little Nicky, Scream 3, Dracula 2000, Blade II, Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave, NASCAR Thunder 2004


And thats just the tip of the iceberg! SHEESH! The only movie in that list I'll stand behind is Zoolander, though I have not seen Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave which I must say intrigues me. I guess Blade II is OKAY.

3 - Adema

Fuck Bakersfield, CA for being a shitty town that gave us not one, but two of the shittiest bands of the last two decades. This band is fronted by Mark Chavez, who is the lil' half bro of the current King Of Dubstep, KORN's Johnathan Davis. Yes, this band got a record deal by riding KORN's coattails. How can they sleep at night? Can you imagine the groupies they get? Like Powerman 5000 they ended up on a bunch of b-movie soundtracks and still seem to be playing in some form or another. They are currently playing venues called things like "Bleachers Sports Bar" in Bristol, CT and have 4 amazingly awful albums under their belt  You remember their song. It's the worst. Fuck you, Adema! 

2 - Bloodcum

Ok this one gets a little confusing. The bass player in this 80s thrash outfit is the little brother of Slayer's Tom Araya. That is a fact. However the singer "Joey Hanneman" was NOT the brother of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman and they just gave him that name as a joke since they kind of looked alike. I guess they reformed in 2005 and play shows on and off. These guys get a pass because they aren't that bad and LOL "BLOODCUM" is a funnie name, but let's face it, compared to Slayer they completely suck.

1- Audiovent

Fucking hands down, without a doubt, no two ways about it, the WORST little bro band in the world ever is the steaming pile of dreck known as Audiovent. Audiovent is very special as 3 out of the 4 members are little brothers of the terrible people known as alternative rockers Incubus. THREE OUT OF FOUR MEMBERS. FUCKKKK ME! According to wiki:


Three out of four of the original members of Audiovent are related to members of the band Incubus. Jason Boyd is the brother of vocalist Brandon Boyd. Benjamin Einziger is brother of guitarist Mike Einziger, and Paul Fried is their stepbrother.


Everything about this band is utterly embarrassing for everyone involed. Their lyrics were juvenile at best. Riffs? Who needs riffs? The production sounds like my butt. Look at that motherfucker's half shirt. Makes me upset.


They achieved minor success in 2002 touring with other amazingly disgusting bands like Saliva (RIP) and Theory of a Deadman (lol).Also they are from Calabasas, CA which is the same suburban cesspool of rich white shitheads as Linkin Park and the Kardashians (they are Armenian but you get my drift). Thank god they broke up in 2004. Something we can all be happy about. 

Honorable mention: Roger Clinton

Little bro to our very own rockstar POTUS, Roger Clinton is famous for doing coke while Bill was Governor (which Bill later pardoned him from while in office!) and releasing a terrible album of whiteboy blues while his older brother was the president. Roger is also an actor appearing in such films as Fred Claus and Pumpkinhead II!

A true American hero! Roger Clinton we salute you!!!!!

Recent shot of the Clinton Bros. I would totally smoke a blunt with these dudes.

Check out this hot JAMMMMM! WALKIN' THE DOGGG!! OWWWWWWWWW!

KARMA IS A MOTHERFUCKER

Let's see... How do I go about breaking another long silence here on the hallowed pages of Illogical Contraption? An in-depth post on recent actions in the imminent Reptilian-Grey Alliance invasion and the Andromeda Council's efforts to stop it? Nah. A lengthy expose on the forgotten heroes of the Swedish death metal scene, including extensive downloads, never-before-seen pictures, and verbose pontifications on their overall contributions to the global music scene? Fuck that. Perhaps a 'Part 2' piece to that 'Primer on Modern Cryptozoology' I posted lo those many, many moons ago, encompassing the many updates and documented specimens collected in the last 2 years? No, not that.
Today, we're gonna explore a topic much more important and interesting than any of that shit. We're gonna talk about a second-hand tabloid story from 6 months ago that I found on TMZ.

So.
Who remembers Shelby Cobra? No, not Shelby CobraS, as in ME, but Shelby COBRA (no "s"), lead singer for the all-girl Radio Disney pop-punk(?) group KSM. I wrote about her here and here in the past, but in case you lazy fucks don't want to click through and read my brilliant rants, I'll boil it down to a couple key paragraphs:

Shelby Cobra draws her influence from artists like Cyndi Lauper and Janis Joplin, and in February joined a manufactured band of watered-down "scene chicks" constructed by the production team of Robbie Nevil and Matthew Gerard and sponsored by Radio Disney. They are called "KSM", they are Hot Topic to the core,and you can check out their Myspace page here. They are also currently gaining massive amounts of popularity, with the endorsement of the Jonas Brothers and appearances on both Good Morning, America and Rachael Ray under their shiny belts. This is all kinds of wrong, but the arch-nemesis connection goes even deeper. Read on...

Shelby Cobra lists her heritage as "Italian-Swedish-Polish-Italian", a twisted mirror of my own proud geneology. You see, I am half Italian, in addition to being a quarter German (Germany borders Poland) and a quarter Norwegian (Norway borders Sweden). Is this strange duality somehow programmed into our very genetic material? Mere dislike or age-old blood feud? Hmmmm...
As the kids would say, this chick is "jocking my steez" in a major way. She is besmirching the honorable Cobras family name, bringing shame down on an institution that has always stood for truth, justice, and HEAVY METAL.

There is only one course of action to be taken here. "Shelby Cobra" must be destroyed, with great haste and without mercy.

Well, as TMZ reported on Sept. 11, 2011 (IllCon is always on top of the hottest celeb news stories), the pretender to the throne has indeed been crushed. Read this awesome, well-written TMZ story in its entirety below:

"Shelby Cobra, lead singer of the now-defunct Disney girl band KSM, was arrested early Friday morning for driving under the influence -- and according to our sources ... her blood alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit. Did we mention she's only 18?
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... Cobra, real name Shelby Spalione, was spotted in Studio City driving a 2005 Ford F150 with the dome light on and a passenger who was not only not wearing a seat belt, but was sitting sideways.
We're told when cops pulled the car over, they detected alcohol on Shelby's breath and administered a blood alcohol test ... which registered a whopping 0.15%.
She was arrested and booked into Van Nuys jail at around 2:00 AM. Shelby was released just before 11:00 AM on her own recognizance.
KSM was originally formed as a kids version of a Go-Go's cover band. Shelby joined the group later on and the focus shifted from pop to rock. The band broke up in 2010.
Calls to Shelby's people have not been returned."



Dang. Shades of 'Burning Dan', anyone?
I mean, it's no secret that when you fuck with IllCon, you will be summarily destroyed. But the fact that this news story broke on the 10th anniversary of 9/11? Seems like pretty goddamn solid proof that the good old U.S. of A. has our back, and is willing to strike down our foes through whatever means necessary. The demise of Shelby Cobra's career, whether it came about by mere happenstance, flagrant personal disregard for the law, or massive US Government Conspiracy in collusion with the IllCon Hidden Hand Tribunal of Elders, was nonetheless foretold and unavoidable, and I urge all those who would oppose our dear institution to take note carefully.

That being said, I would like to end this post by offering IllCon's full support of the incoming presidential regime, whether it be led by the proud, regal Rick Santorum (right), or the fierce, bold Mitt Romney (below). Heed the Council! The Santorupocalypse is upon us! Join us in our quest for global American dominance, and our crusade against moral degeneracy at the hands of homosexuals, perverts, liberals, circus clowns, and music bloggers! Hand in hand, Illogical Contraption and the United States Government will strike down any scourge, be it poorly-named pop singers, domestic terrorists, sodomizers of the human ass, or "heavy metal musicians".
December 21st, 2012 is upon us. Let us march forth to greet it, together, as Americans--as a united front, a God-fearing and CHOSEN nation--The Contrap-Nation.

Let this message be a warning to all.

No Visible Scars

As my esteemed colleague, Judge Shredd, mentioned below, We are in the end times. You only have to look at the economic and environmental situations across the globe, the rampant crime and disease rates, mankind has run its course. Mother Nature isn't too happy anymore and Megaupload is gone. We are facing extinction.
During these bleak times you need bleak music to soundtrack those last few heartbeats and breaths escaping you as the world slows down.
No Visible Scars managed to gain my attention with the 1970's/80's Giallo/Exploitation/Porn inspired artwork and imagery, they're love of the timeless C-90 tape,  and the fact quite a few of the digital releases are free. Most Illcon followers should be able to relate to one of those. I decided to give a heads up on a few of the releases worth investigating.

Elders Of The Apocalypse - The Law Of Iron (2011)

Get it

Nasty and ragged, thrashy death metal by guys with nasty names such as Plague Bearer and Sadistik Slayer. I guess the term "war metal" suits this best. I can hear elements of Kreator and Sodom in there alongside some  Bestial Warlust black noise and a slew of suitably apocalyptic samples. Awesome cover art included.

Nightbitch - Sex And Magic promo (2010)

Get it

This is the one I have been digging the most. Comprising the smooth pipes of that dude from Hour Of 13 with some total NWOBHM riffing crossed with proto-Doom jams. THIS SHIT ROCKS. This was a 3-track promo for the EP of the same name. They don't seem to have much else available but they have connections to a whole host of other bands according to Encyclopedia Metallum.

Poison Tongue - Lick You Sweety (2010)

Get it

That cover seem pretty attractive doesn't it? Bit more left field this time. Poison Tongue is Giallo/Exploitation inspired noisescapes. Its not full on harsh noise ( though it gets plenty harsh in places) but more ambient and unsettling due to the schizophrenic changes in volume and pacing. Kind of like those quiet bits in between Goblin freak outs crossed with Beherit's noise tendencies.

There you go gang. They have the usual places online here and here. I'm digging this label a lot recently. You should to.

Warning - Watching From A Distance (2006)

The new year is traditionally a time for optimism for the year to come, a time for starting anew. Fuck that shit.

Here is some slow, ultra depressing cult doom from England's Warning. Anchored by Solstice and Sore Throat's Rich Walker's cousin Patrick Walker, who plays guitar and sings. They did a couple of demos in the 90s and a full-length in 1999, The Strength to Dream. It's Ok but your better off spending time listening to Watching From a Distance again. They put out Watching From a Distance on Rich's Miskatonic Foundation in 2006. It is their finest hour, and also their swan song.

Tempo change is a foreign concept to these guys. Never getting above a slow crawl, this album could be monotonous if it weren't so good. They have a penchant for Revelation-style arpeggiated chords in addition to the standard doom power chord riffs. Bass: non-existant. Drumming: slow and slower.

Did I mention these guys are sad. They are, or at least Patrick Walker is. He weaves with his Ozzyish voice tales of love lost, regret and plain old loss. And the music reflects it. This album is one blob of negative emotions, real Ghostbusters 2 shit. These guys make Crowbar seem like Blink-182 or some pussy shit like that. Real touchy feely, but still killer, and one of the best post-millenial doom performances.

Warning split in 2009, but it's OK, cuz Walker started 40 Watt Sun, and they sound just like Warning. Except that the drumming on The Inside Room was a little too fast at times. Maybe Christian "Commando" Leitch will slow it the fuck down for the next album. This is doom metal for fucks sake.

 Side note: isn't it strange how many doom dudes were in death metal/grind bands before going doom? Must be growing up, cuz it sure aint selling out. Ex: Patrick Walker, Rich Walker, Lee Dorrian, Jus Oborn, Fernando Opazo of Marchefunebre, My Dying Bride, etc.

Blistering Anal Skin

LEECHMILK - STARVATION OF LOCUSTS (2000)

Buried Treasure Alert!

Atlanta, Georgia's LEECHMILK never made much of a mark on the "international sludge scene" (whatever that is), but their particular brand of doom-laden, Southern-fried, sample-heavy Eyehategod-meets-Iron Monkey-meets-Boulder misanthropy was some of the highest-quality shit to surface in that musical Dead Zone known as the late-90's-to-early-oughts, and Starvation of Locusts surpasses just about anything that like-minded bands were doing at the time. It's a hate-filled, drug-fueled monster of an album, and avoids the common pratfall of most masturbatory "doom/sludge metal" by keeping song lengths within the two-and-a-half-to-five-minute zone (except for the seven-minute album closer "Descending", which is largely composed of experimental/repetitive noise sampling). There is plenty to be fond of here, but if I had to narrow it down, I'd say the main selling points for me are the creepy-as-fuck opening sample (lifted from THX 1138--see this post on Ojorojo for another band that used this clip well), the over-the-top screechy vocals, the millipedal-caveman drumming, and the fact that this album contains the unimaginably-brilliant song title "Whiskey Nipple". This shit is just fucking epic, crushing, wholly bleak and devoid of any hope whatsoever. It makes me nostalgic for my early 20's.

Download HERE

Metallum/Last.FM



PS: IllCon Radio goes live once again 10pm to midnight right HERE. Tonight we've got a lady on the show who wrote a book about trucker ghost stories (hot off an interview on Coast To Coast AM!), so make sure and check that shit out. The number? 415-829-2980.
Y'all know what to do.

Cerulean Transience Of All My Imagined Shores

Sometime in the late '80s and early '90s there came about a band. Not just any sort of though. A band that was decrepit, evil, bludgeoning, and transcending. A band that exuded despair and chaos and precision all in one. They were brutal, desolate, and unrelenting all the same. This band put out some of the ugliest and down-right doomiest death metal heard this side of the galaxy. Ever.

Kind of like this guy:

(Wait, that's not quite what I had in mind)

Or this guy:

(Eh... that's not quite what I was looking for either but you get the idea, no?)

Anyways, imagine if you crossed early Mayhem and Winter together, while throwing in a little Incantation and perhaps even Asunder for good measure. You'd get something kind of like this:

(wtf?! Scheiße, that wasn't the picture I wanted. I blame Google! Sorry...)

The band in question was signed to Relapse Records so that should give you an idea as to how awesome they were. Aside from the obvious doom influence, this particular band had an interesting approach to their song writing often using tense tremolo-picking that is usually followed with really sludgy, slow riffing. This is usually followed by an abrupt frenzy of blast beats and another change in picking. Despite the drums sounding a little too synthetic and triggered, the percussion is phenomenal and surprisingly full sounding. There are periods of grinding blast beats to simple death marches. This change in tempo keeps the listener on edge.
The vocals are hauntingly dissonant yet surprisingly well-balanced, albeit hard to decipher (even for those with the most hardened ears). There's only one song on the album that I seem to have trouble with. This particular track features female spoken word-like vocals interlaced with acoustic-electric guitar. Its an odd number and to be upfront, I don't know what to make of it really. I mean I have nothing against female vocals but it doesn't really work in this context. Maybe I'll have to listen to it a few more times before I "get it."
But despite that track sticking out from the rest of the album, it highlights the willingness of the band to experiment and incorporate something completely off-the-wall. Each track is like its own person and adds a dimension to the album as a whole that was completely unique to the genre at the time. This album may be as close to perfection as one will get with regards to the death/doom genre.


So what is this band I'm talking about??
Ha! I was waiting for you to ask...


Well, I DID give you a hint in the 'title' of the post but OK, I'll give you another hint:
Cobras featured them in this post a couple weeks back...



Still don't know? Give up?


Fine...

Hailing from Australia, diSEMBOWELMENT were pioneers in a sea of countless bands that were pushing the boundaries (heck, they may as well had their own island). Along with bands like Abramelin, Acheron, Paramaecium, even Destroyer666 and Hobbs' Angel Of Death, it kind of makes you wonder what the hell those Aussies were (and still are) drinking over there. Hopefully its not Foster's Lager 'cause that would just suck. Whatever it is, there's been some killer music coming from the land down under!

Unfortunately, Transcendence into the Peripheral would be Disembowelment's swansong. At a time when death metal was at its peak and doom metal was well, still "doomy" for a lack of a better term, Transcendence into the Peripheral is regarded as one of the finest death/doom albums that has ever came out. Its unfortunate that Disembowelment split shortly afterwards but perhaps its a good thing as it would have been difficult to top this album.

This album I realize is not everyone's cup of tea but regardless if you're a fan of this stuff or not, you must give it a listen! Unless of course you already have, in which case you should listen to it again! Just sayin'...

Transcend here.

Metallum/Last.FM

SUMMER NON-MIXTAPE 2011: The Best of The Worst

AKA When Your Favorite Metal Bands Shit The Bed

First day of Summer. You know what that means...
You got it: ILLCON MIXTAPE TIME!

It's miserably hot here in the Bay. So miserable, in fact, that I've been suddenly filled with the urge to punish myself with the worst metal humanly possible. Inspired by the recent shark-jumping of Vincent, Azagthoth, and company, I've decided that today's compilation will focus on the collective low points of certain common favorites in the "extreme metal" community--from the Big 4, Sabbath, and Motorhead, to some slightly more obscure death metal luminaries of the recent past. Exactly why I've chosen to explore the shared failure and shame of these beloved rock icons I can't really say... I guess now is just a time of extreme masochism and darkness for me, and the only way to express my angst is through bad art. Take THAT, Teenage Cobras!
As always, your recommendations for other shameful chapters in the lives of our heroes are welcome--share them in the comments section!

1. SLAYER - Born To Be Wild (from the amazing album NASCAR on Fox Presents: Crank It Up)
2. METALLICA w/ DJ SPOOKY - For Whom The Bell Tolls (The Irony of It All)
3. MANOWAR - Silent Night
4. AMON AMARTH - Aerials
5. MORBID ANGEL - Radikult
6. CELTIC FROST - I Won't Dance
7. NAPALM DEATH - Twist The Knife (Slowly) (Not even really that bad of a song--but the fact that it appears on the Mortal Kombat OST warrants its inclusion here.)
8. JUDAS PRIEST - Turbo Lover (Included for bad 80's drum-reverb abuse only.)
9. SLAYER & ICE T - Disorder
10. BLACK SABBATH - It's Alright
11. CRYPTOPSY - Bemoan The Martyr
12. MEGADETH - Youthanasia
13. MOTORHEAD - Enter Sandman (Fuck Metallica) (from the amazing album ECW: Extreme Music--a pro wrestling based hard rock compilation)
14. ANTHRAX - Random Acts of Senseless Violence
15. CARCASS - I Told You So (Corporate Rock Really Does Suck)
16. SOULFLY - Jumpdafuckup (I've never been a fan of Soulfly, but I have been a fan of Max Cavalera. And this song is just tooo good.)
17. METALLICA - Turn The Page
18. SLAYER - Playing With Dolls (completion of today's Slayer triumverate)

dl: LIVIN' HARDCORE RADICAL

Really?

FRIDAY AFTERNOON 1990'S CRUSTGRIND BLOWOUT

No really.

I want your weekend to be filled with pain and despair.
Let these six albums guide your misery.


SYSTRAL - FEVER... THE MAXIMUM CARNAGE (1995)


Systral came from Bremen, Germany. Fever was originally released in 1995, but re-released in 1997 with several tracks from earlier 7" efforts. This is the expanded version, and it is full of short, fast, chaotic bursts of pure rage and violence. Also of note: on this album, they cover both Kylie Minogue ("Confide In Me") and Motorhead ("We Are The Road Crew"). If you like Dystopia, chances are you'll like this.

Download HERE
Metallum/Last.FM


ENEWETAK - AND THE BEAT GOES ON (1996)


We last checked in on Enewetak HERE, with focus placed on their 1997 album Onward To Valhalla. In that post, I claimed "To be quite honest, they sound a whole lot like Dystopia. A WHOLE lot."
They really do. This was their first full-length. If you like Dystopia, chances are you'll like this.

Download HERE

Last.FM


WELLINGTON - THANK YOU JESUS EP (1996)


Wellington, like so many other excellent crust/grind/hardcore acts of the 1990's, hailed from Arizona (Tempe, to be exact). They were quite a bit sludgier than the other acts featured in today's post, bent on doom and utter nihilism. Their career was short (about four years) and their releases were few, but Thank You Jesus is a fair representation of their sound and world-view, a half-hour plunge into total oblivion via walls of screaming distortion. They sort of sound like, uh.... Dystopia.

Download HERE
Metallum/Last.FM


UNRUH - MISERY STRENGTHENED FAITH (1997)

RIP Dr. Jack

Speaking of killer fucking bands from Arizona, how 'bout a little slice of Unruh to round things out? Named after infamous serial murderer Howard Unruh (who killed 13 people in one day), the band's sound and intensity could definitely be likened to some sort of multi-state killing spree, fraught as it is with blastbeats, screechy guitars, and harsh, howled vocals.
Definitely a bit more "upbeat" than Wellington, but still full of hatred and evil. If you like Dystopia, chances are you'll like this.

Download HERE


UNRUH - SETTING FIRE TO SINKING SHIPS (1999)


This band is fucking great. Let's double up.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Last.FM


SEA OF DEPRIVATION - CATHARSIS IN DISHARMONY (2000)


OK, so this album didn't technically come out in the 90's. But it fits in perfectly with the other albums presented here today, both in its Arizonan ancestry and in its foul spirit of sick, ugly hardcore. Did I mention that it basically sounds exactly like Dystopia?
I've heard that the singer offed himself after the release of this album, leaving it as the sole evidence Sea of Deprivation ever existed. Although I have not yet confirmed the authenticity of this claim, it would surely make sense, considering the suicidal misanthropy present throughout.
Nasty, nasty stuff.

Download HERE
Purchase HERE

Metallum/Last.FM

GUITARS ARE STUPID.

SO stupid.