Scheiße! It's been over a fortnight since I have graced IllCon with my presence it appears. I do sincerely apologize!
You see, I can't help it. I'm a student. And as many of you may be well aware out there, us students - those in the CSU system of "education" at least - are in the throes of finishing last minute projects, papers, assignments; we are finally getting around to visiting our instructors during their office hours; we're pleading, no screw that, we're begging to be given some extra credit to make up for that one time we inadvertently slept through a scheduled class meeting and as a result didn't turn in that supposed assignment; we're in the throes of burning in hellfire and getting swallowed up by the misfortune of poorly made decisions and late night booze-benders...
Wait?! What the @#$% am I talking about??
Basically finals are next week. Excuses, excuses... I know.
Hey, I've been busting my ass the last two weeks trying to put this semester behind me. I have been running off coffee and vitamin water, burritos and ramen, and trying to squeeze in a nap or two whenever possible. So cut me some slack alright?!
That said, I will keep this post brief considering the circumstances.
So what's new in Aegipan's world you ask? In between these academic excursions of mine, random black outs while raging it at the bar, and trying my best to avoid the brown-bottle flu, I have been trying to stay warm. Seriously, I mean it's been freezing-ass cold! Even for up here in remote, bum-fuck-egypt-Humboldt County! I mean, I don't mind the cold generally and usually have a good tolerance for it but part of my problem recently has been it's been too friggin' cold - too cold even to get out of bed! It just makes you want to stay in bed, spike some hot cocoa, and cuddle up with that teddy bear your ex-girlfriend got you a couple Christmases ago while watching reruns of Law & Order.
NOTE: I'm talking Criminal Intent and none of that bullshit "Special Victims Unit" crap... ...I mean detectives Wheeler and Eames are smoking! Who wouldn't want to be arrested by either?
It's been so damned cold that I have reverted to listening to some cold, grim, Norwegian Black Metal as of late. It may not get as cold here as it does in Norway, true, but you get my point. Recently whilst rummaging through my collection the other evening I came across this but since it is already featured here on IllCon, and mainly to avoid redundancy, I thought I'd share this instead:
As a special treat, and in part for my lack of posts recently but mainly because I favor the Immortal tracks most on this compilation, I thought I'd share this also:
It's official! The rainy season has begun here on the North Coast of California. Harvest season has now evolved into trimming season. Expect periodic showers leading to constant rain, mostly gray skies, rare sun, cold wind, and bitchy people complaining about the weather for the next 7 months. Oh joy! Yes folks, the days of moderately warm temperatures during the day and cool yet tolerable temperatures during the night have come to pass. Shit, even I woke up this morning freezing my ass off! In fact, turning on the heater this morning set off the smoke alarm! Of course, it doesn't help that there's a god-damned smoke alarm in every friggin' room of this apartment. There's even one in the garage down below! WTF?! Silly landlords...
Well, shit on a shingle! So much for going outside today I guess.
As a result of this dismal weather and in part due to procrastinating working on an assignment for one of my classes (I have had a serious case of 'senioritis' as of late), I have stumbled across an old, rare gem (or two) that I often overlook. Apparently I have been rediscovering these "gems" recently, beginning with this and this. I also blame alcohol for my lack of motivation to do what I should be doing (which is studying of course) as opposed to digging through old albums and giving them a spin or two. Seemingly, this has been a regular occurrence of mine as of late. Shit, I really must have a bad case of senioritis...
Forgotten Woods' As The Wolves Gather is as crucial to the Norwegian Black Metal scene as is Mayhem's Deathcrush or Emperor's In the Nightside Eclipse, in my opinion at least (you can argue with me later as I don't feel like arguing with you about it at the moment). Upon finishing listening to As The Wolves Gather, I wandered off the beaten track and began listening to another rare gem,In The Woods... Heart of the Ages. Both bands are relatively obscure to most, especially in the U.S., and both provide a unique glimpse into an often overlooked part of the Norwegian Black Metal scene when bands such as Mayhem, Immortal, and Emperor were pushing the boundaries and becoming more extreme in their song writing. Yes, they both have a noticeable Burzum influence but they also possess something entirely different. Fans of early Enslaved, Borknagar, and Ulver take note! Both albums came out in 1994 and 1995 respectively and provide a refreshing and experimental approach to the then floundering black metal scene. Both are a breath of fresh air in light of the drama that encapsulated much of Norway and Sweden during the early to mid-90s. To me, black metal doesn't necessarily have to be intense or evil sounding. It can still have atmosphere and life without losing its grim and dark appeal aesthetically. For example, look at early Satyricon, Arcturus, and Ulver...
I know some of you out there probably have heard either one or both of these albums but in the event that you have not, I encourage you to check them out if you have not done so already. As a result of all this dismal, cold, wet weather we are experiencing, and since going out for a walk in the woods is not really an option at present, these two releases are a fitting listen!
Memories, memories... The good ol' Corporate Death sampler. Simpler days. This was my fuckin' meat and potatoes back in the late high school years, and along with the Virus 100 comp (as well as a couple entries from the Death... Is Just The Beginning series--all on cassette, of course) defined the future evolution of my musical preferences. I guess the Macabre and Incantation jams contained herein had the biggest effect on me in the long run, but there are tons of other smoothe tunes to be enjoyed here as well (a couple clunkers, too). King Fowley, Seth Putnam, Will Rahmer, and Frank Mullen all in the same place? Fuhggin fuhgeddaboudit! If you're a 90's DM nerd like me, Corporate Death is already your Mecca, but if you'd like to learn more about the world of metal cassamplers, check out this excellent article Stax wrote on the subject of 90's samplers over at Metal Inquisition last year. There is just so much important, esoteric metal knowledge to be passed down to younger generations. Please do your part.
Those were the good old days.
Track list:
1. Candiru - Opaque Sun 2. Amorphis - Exile of the Sons of Uisliu 3. Incantation - Emaciated Holy Figure 4. General Surgery - Crimson Concerto 5. Exit-13 - Societally Provoked Genocidal Contemplation 6. Dead World - Dead World 7. Convulse - Crying Back Yesterday 8. Mortician - Embalmed Alive 9. Disembowelment - Your Prophetic Throne of Ivory 10. Candiru - Angels 11. Anal Cunt - Radio Hit 12. Deceased - Robotic Village 13. Disrupt - Religion Is A Fraud 14. Macabre - Embalmer 15. Repulsion - The Stench of Burning Death 16. Exit-13 - Diet for a New America 17. Incantation - Unholy Massacre 18. Phobia - Sickening Discreation (live) 19. Mortician - Hacked Up For Barbecue 20. Disrupt - Mind Lock 21. Convulse - Memories 22. Anal Cunt - Chump Change 23. Mortician - Abolition 24. Anal Cunt - Unbelievable 25. Suffocation - Human Waste 26. Repulsion - Maggots In Your Coffin 27. Macabre - Serial Killer 28. Disrupt - Same Old Shit 29. General Surgery - An Orgy of Flying Limbs And Gore 30. [untitled bonus track]
If you ask me "what kind" of black metal I prefer, I can basically answer you in three words: Lunar. Fucking. Aurora. (Or one word: Inquisition. But that's another post.) Let's see here... Non-stop fucking blastbeat madness? Check. Croaky-frog-vomit vocals? Check. Semi-discordant tremolo riffing up the ass? Check. Raw, yet balanced production? Roger. Cheezy fucking symphonic/"atmospheric" keyboard riffs floating around somewhere in the background? Yup. There is nothing wrong with this band whatsoever. I heartily endorse them. Lunar Aurora came from Bavaria, Germany (birthplace of Adam Weishaupt and the Illuminati, according to some), and pinched off nine solid full-length albums, two splits, and two demos during the course of their 12-year existence. Weltengänger was their first (and arguably best) long-player, and consists of 47+ minutes of unequivocal, unadulterated, vitriolic HATRED, SPEED, EVIL, VIOLENCE, and DEATH. Sorry, Jesus, but you're pretty pathetic competition for something this good.
Yes, I've been hinting at some "Big News" for the last week, haven't I? Must've been sort of annoying. I apologize. Well, I've made you guys wait long enough. Without further ado, allow me to present the object of all the mystery (drumroll please)...
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the IllCon-sponsored
OAKLAND BLACK/DEATH FEST.
2 days. 14 bands. 7 face-melting black metal bands on Saturday March 12th, 7 mind-crushing death metal bands on Sunday March 13th. Epic amounts of chaos and brutality. Bros. Beers. Broads. Battle.
CHRONAEXUS (Atmospheric BM from Sacramento/Red Bluff, CA. Their brand-new album Algedonic Awakening has been on heavy rotation around ICHQ lately...)
PALE CHALICE (SF-based band, their first album--being released through Flenser Records--is scheduled to be released just a few days before the show.)
PANDISCORDIAN NECROGENESIS (A one-man black metal band from SF, but get this--NOT "STUDIO ONLY". This guy sings, shreds guitar, and plays kick and snare with his feet simultaneously, making him quite possibly the only TRVE "one-man black metal band".)
***Sunday, March 13th, 2011:***
EMBRYONIC DEVOURMENT (Deepsend recording artists from Mendocino County, CA. If you are familiar with this band you probably know that they write songs about reptoids, conspiracy theories, and other David Icke-isms. Which rules. If you don't have their new one, Vivid Interpretations of The Void, you need to go get it. Pronto.)
ONTOGENY (SF-based tech metal juggernaut that released the amazing Pillars of Perversion in 2007 but has lain mostly dormant since. Word on this street is that a new one is on the way soon...)
RINGS OF SATURN (These fuckers put out one of my top 5 records of 2010, Embryonic Anomaly, all by themselves last year. Recently signed to Unique Leader, you can expect BIG things from these sci-fi aliencore wierdos in the near future.)
TRUCULENCE (Long-running pornogrind band from Portland, Oregon. Touring with Embryonic Devourment and Ontogeny.)
SLAUGHTERBOX (Sharing members with the aforementioned Chronaexus, Slaughterbox also hail from the Sacramento area. But unlike Chronaexus, they play ripping, blast-laden tech-grind from Hell. Go listen.)
FEAST (A very young band from the East Bay. Go check out the one song on their Myspace page and get PUMPED.)
APOCRYPHON (Yes, the rumors are all true. This is the new psychedelic blackened noisegrind project involving of 2/3rds of Cretaceous and Peter from IC. First show ever. History in the making.)
OK then. Secret's out. EVERYONE is required to go to this thing. Please spread the word.
You guys know the fucking score already. First day of the new season = sweet new compilation (NOT A FUCKING "MIXTAPE", SALLY) courtesy of the Bro Patrol over here at IC. Hence far:
What have we now for the one-year anniversary of the "Don't Call It A Mixtape"? Easy! A compilation of damn near ALL my favorite tracks from 2010, from the brutal (Monumental Torment) to the epic (Inquisition) to the weird (Meads of Asphodel) to the silly (David Cross) to the stupid (Cretaceous) and back again. I know, I know: I already swore off year-end "best of" lists. Whatever. Download this sucker, give 'er a listen, and tell me just how LAME I am for liking this crap. I could care less.
Combine the Winter 2010 Non-Mixtape with the last two (semi) modern metal mixes I've posted here on IllCon, and you've got yourself a pretty cohesive collection representing the Soundtrack To Life, as it were, around ICHQ for the last year! Gee whiz!
Aug 25th: "MODERN METAL MIX", posted HERE, dirct DL HERE
This too
Sept 22nd: "CLUBBING TO DEATH" mix, posted HERE, direct DL HERE
Also, this
HOORAY FOR SHITTY METAL! HOORAY FOR ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION! HOORAY FOR FUCKING WINTER!!!!
At the risk of posting too many Christmas-themed items in a row, I present to you now yet another Yuletide stocking stuffer, namely TROLL's excellent 1996 debut album Drep De Kristne. In what is truly the spirit of the Holiday season, Troll's album is (from what I can decipher) a conceptual piece about trolls killing Christians (Drep De Kristne translates literally to "Kill The Christians"), and should be considered a must-have for any family's Christmas Music collection.
The facts:
1) Troll is the solo project of Stian Arnesen AKA Nagash, former bass player for the not-at-all-corny Dimmu Borgir. Although he added more musicians later, he played all instruments in the band from 1992-1998. He formed Troll at the age of 14 and was 18 at the time that Drep De Kristne was recorded.
2) Troll's most recent release, Neo-Satanic Supremacy, was one of the best goddamn BM albums of 2010. It sounds nothing like Kristne and you should check that shit out if you haven't already.
3) This album is sort of like the perfect mixture of elven Wongraven/Mortiis-circa-Stargate atmospheric foolishness, blackened Nightside Eclipse-esque forest hatred, early Finntroll-ish polka-metal, and symphonic majesty a laTartaros.
Highly recommended for Holiday revelers of all ilk!
This is waaayyy better than any "metal" release that came out in 2010. NOT OPINION. FACT.
Yep, it's that time of year again. December. The month that all the metal critics, bloggers, journalists, and what have you trot out their year-end favorites, expounding on the virtues of what they think you should be listening to (and enjoying). A bit pompous, isn't it? Assuming that your exquisite taste in music needs to be shared with the metal community at large, that your 2010 selections are the only ones that everyone needs to hear? The kids are gonna like what they like regardless of your opinion, right? Get over yourself.
That being said, I'd like to welcome you all to Illogical Contraption's own year-end heavy metal blowout extravaganza. But this is no ordinary Top 10 or Top 20 or Top 1,000 of '010 list. This year has been a heinously busy one in the world of extreme metal, chock full of releases by just about every conceivable metal band (some inconceivable ones, too). There have been some really great albums, but really, what's the fun in standing around jerking off all over those ones? The sheer magnitude of new music on the market in 2010 guarantees that there will be a fair share of keepers, but more importantly, it conversely ensures that there will be a whole SHITLOAD of garbage to sift through as well. And THAT, my friends, is why we are here today.
So who writes a 'BOTTOM 20 OF 2010' list, anyways? SHELBY FUCKING COBRAS (left), that's who. Next question: Is Shelby Fucking Cobras qualified to write such a list? I would have to answer with a completely-qualified NO. Friends of IC know me as "That guy who could listen exclusively to the recorded output of Deicide, Suffocation, and Morbid Angel ('90-'95) and be completely content for the rest of his life", how could I possibly claim to have my finger on the pulse of modern music? The simple answer is that I DON'T. But I've been putting a whole Hell of a lot of effort into catching up with Metal Circa 2010 (read other attempts at concealing my codgery HERE and HERE), and I'm more than ready to bitch about some shit. I have a LOT of hate to share. A LOT.
But I don't hate my readers. I respect you. Therefore, it is imperative that I share these unarguable truths with you. What I do hate is shark-jumping, bandwagon-hopping, and unneccesary fellation of mediocre bands. And there is plenty of all that going around. I must expose falseness whenever and wherever I see it. It's part of my prime directives, like Robocop. What I say herein will not be popular. In fact, my claims will make some people very angry. But they are only my opinions. And like they say, opinions are like assholes. We all have 'em. Now allow me to spread my asshole OPINION for everyone to see.
BEHOLD THE BOTTOM:
Side question: Will 2011 be the year that Metallica finally breaks down and records a Christmas album?
20) CEPHALIC CARNAGE - MISLED BY CERTAINTY
I was certain that the new Cephalic Carnage album would be pretty decent. It appears that at some point I was misled. OH SNAP!
But seriously though, this album sucks balls. What's with the shit production? The clean vocals? It seems that these guys are making that heinous mistake so many grind bands have made as of late: angling for a shred of commercial success via MTV2 or Scion or whatever, but being just "commercial" enough to alienate their longtime fans and just "edgy" enough to keep the corporate cash cows at bay. Too bad, I liked these guys for awhile.
Instead, listen to Phobia's new EP, Unrelenting. Or even their brand new split with Gadget. They both kill (you will notice that this theme of suggesting good metal albums from 2010--rather than shitty ones--will continue for the rest of this post).
19) SIX FEET UNDER - GRAVEYARD CLASSICS III
There's just SO MUCH to hate about what Six Feet Under has become over the years, it's really difficult to narrow it down to one paragraph. Graveyard Classics is basically The Spaghetti Incident times nu-metal divided by Sublime's fanbase and subtracted from NASCAR. Six Feet Under is now a quote unquote death metal cover band, re-treading the same joke over and over, a painfully unfunny joke that goes like this: "Hey, what would it sound like if we took every generic hard rock/metal song in the history of classic-rock FM radio and replaced the original vocals with Chris Barnes' half-assed, monotone grunting?" It's not funny anymore, guys.
Remember that term I used earlier, "unneccesary fellation of mediocre bands"? Case in fucking point, right here. Everyone who's anyone will have Alcest's Ecailles De Lune on their 'Top 10 of '10' list this year, right? Of course. But honestly, I have NO IDEA what the appeal is here. I mean, I've never been a good buddy of the whole "dark ambient/shoegaze" genre, but Alcest seems almost exceptionally bad for this style of non-metal. Those vocals, yeeeeesh. The whining, quasi-soothing nature of the whole thing, it just REPELS me. Alcest sounds like they're exclusively playing the shitty parts of Opeth songs. Really. The first time I ever tried listening to this heap of garbage, I had to boil down and mainline straight Deicide just to get the omnipresent stink of PUSSY out of my clothes.
My apologies to anyone offended (and there will be many), it's just my own personal opinion that this type of weak-tea "intellectual-metal" posturing needs to be excised and destroyed immediately.
17) ENSLAVED - AXIOMA ETHICA ODINI I really liked Enslaved's earlier work, but managed to lose track of them somewhere around Monumension/Below The Lights. Pure morbid curiosity drove me to investigate their 2010 offering Axioma Ethica Odini, and the first couple bars of the first song proved to be a pleasant surprise: decent, mid-tempo BM with sufficiently ugly vocals, crunchy guitars, andAAAAAGGGGHHH clean "metalcore" vocals! Why?!?! Why would you do that, Enslaved? I mean, you guys used clean vocals in the past that actually worked, why would you embrace this new, pop-metal-esque, Stuff You Will Hate style? Oh yeah, to sell more records to teenagers (see also: Cephalic Carnage). Instead, listen to The Meads of Asphodel, The Murder of Jesus The Jew. 16) KORN - KORN III: REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAKorn put out a new album this year?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?! Actually fellas, I think perhaps it is you who need to "remember who you are"--namely, washed up sub-human turds with NO PLACE WHATSOEVER IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY AT ALL, EVER, FOR ANY REASON. And what's with the album cover? You think maybe Jonathan Davis drew that shit from memory? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA, really Korn, you guys lose at life. Really. Instead, listen to Murder Construct's self-titled debut EP. Or better yet, Monumental Torment's Oppression Submission EP. 15) MACABRE - GRIM SCARY TALES I'm starting to think that the "return to form" heavy metal album is just a myth. I mean, we had Slayer's World Painted Blood last year, touted before its release as a "return to form", and we all remember how THAT turned out, right? Do the words Death Magnetic ring a bell? I'm starting to think that when a metal band "loses it", it's just "gone", you know? There are no "returns to form", it's just OVER. That being said, I heard the same obsolete term bandied about in reference to Macabre's first album in 8 years or so, Grim Scary Tales (which I don't think has even seen proper release yet), and I have to admit, part of me was hoping for Sinister Slaughter II. But true to the corny joke that serves as the album's title, Scary Tales is waaaaayyyy too heavy on the jokes and waaaaayyyy too light on the shred, and despite a couple of solid jams, metal versions of "Who's Afraid of The Big Bad Wolf" and a half-assed, tongue-in-cheek Venom cover take the air out of this sucker REAL quick. Instead, listen to Autopsy's "comeback" EP, The Tomb Within. 14) TRYPTIKON - EPARISTERA DAIMONES Another one I was still maintaining a glimmer of hope for, which broke my heart like all the others. For the record, I really liked Monotheist, but it seems like Tryptikon is wobbling into some extra-gothy territory that I really can't get behind, as if that cheesy eye makeup might finally be soaking into Mr. Warriors's sockets and causing him to make some really bad decisions. The songs on Daimones often take way too long to get fired up, and then seem to go nowhere once they're actually chugging along. The lyrics (and their delivery) are almost laughably bad, and the overall flaccidity of the Tryptikon experience leaves me scurrying for my old, beat-up copy of Morbid Tales like a scorned lover. Sorry, Tom, but it's over between us. Instead, listen to Sigh, Scenes From Hell. Questionable production, but still one (ahem) "HELL" of an album. (Sorry.) I only added this picture so that I could use the "Mantlers" tag 13) POWERGLOVE - SATURDAY MORNING APOCALYPSE OK, full disclosure: I really like Saturday Morning Apocalypse. I was never a fan of Voivod's cover of the Batman theme song, but I've got to admit: a tech/power metal cover of the theme from the 90's CARTOON version of Batman is madness bordering on brilliance. Throw in Inpector Gadget, Transformers, and X-Men, and you've got one jubilant Hessian nerd on your hands. The reason Powerglove lands on the BOTTOM 20 is this: I've had that Godforsaken power-metal version of the Pokemon theme song stuck in my head for OVER A FUCKING MONTH NOW. One more chorus of "Gotta Catch 'Em All" and I'm going French kiss a table saw. Instead, listen to Rhapsody of Fire, The Frozen Tears of Angels. Or don't. I would totally understand if you wanted to skip this one. 12) MASTODON - JONAH HEX: REVENGE GETS UGLY EP Jonah Hex: Revenge Gets Ugly introduces us to a new low-water mark for the commercialization of "extreme" music, and once again proves the age-old equation to be true: SHIT + SHIT = TWICE AS MUCH SHIT. In a way, it's almost poetic justice--a movie as insultingly bad as Jonah Hex deserves a band as insultingly bad as Mastodon, and vice versa. Did you see these guys on Letterman after Crack The Skye came out? Wow. Just... Wow. Instead, listen to Ghost, Opus Eponymous. Commercial-esque rock-metal done right. 11) HIGH ON FIRE - SNAKES FOR THE DIVINE A fine example of "good" production ruining an album. Dude, DON'T POLISH THAT TURD! IT SOUNDS BETTER AS A TURD! And I'm not saying that to bag on HoF's music. It's actually decent. But you can hardly even hear it anymore due to the muffling effect of a thousand engineers, producers, and A&R's humping the shit out of one of the last profitable acts in the heavy metal music industry. High on Fire bums me out, man. Also, how weird has it been to see Matt Pike go from stony Hessian uber-Bro to Creepy Stoner Rock Poster Boy in the last couple years? I bet someone casts him in a movie soon. Mark my words. Instead, listen to Acid Witch, Stoned. Stoned. 10) CYNIC - RE-TRACED EP I was not a fan of Traced In Air whatsoever. The prospect of a Cynic reunion seemed like a good idea at the beginning, but after hearing their jazzy, neutered take on the "old" Cynic sound, what I knew to be true in my heart of hearts became quickly apparent: metal bands should NOT re-unite (except Suffocation). But a "re-imagining" of their recently-released comeback album, in the form of the Re-Traced EP? How are we NOT going to draw parallels between this and Re-Load? It's not just a matter of bad music. This shit is near tantamount to consumer fraud. There are no "comebacks". Only "adult contemporary" metal for middle-aged navel-gazers. Sorry Masvidal. You seem like a cool guy, but I can't get behind this dreck. PS: Bring back the fucking robot voice already! Instead, listen to Lesbian, Stratospheria Cubensis. 9) WATAIN - LAWLESS DARKNESS I guess I'm still just kinda irked that Scion paid for their tour or something. It's like, all idealistic posturing aside, FUCKING OWN UP TO YOUR OWN FALSE-ASS COMMERCIAL INTERESTS, WATAIN. You are not "kvlt", in fact, you are not even remotely "tough". You can, like, soak your stage clothes in dead animals or whatever, but for God's sake, quit trying to trick your fans--with a straight face. Illogical Contraption has exposed your proverbial "pose". Sorry Bros. Off the artistic roll-call, so to speak. Instead, listen to Deathspell Omega, Paracletus. Or Kerasphorus' Cloven Hooves At The Holocaust Dawn EP. Or Troll, Neo-Satanic Supremacy. 8) EXODUS - EXHIBIT B: THE HUMAN CONDITION Please, Exodus. Please please please please. Just STOP already. In the name of Baloff, I beg you. Actually, you don't even have to stop. Just do it under a different name. The Exodus who released Bonded By Blood back in '85 is NOT the same Exodus that put out Fabulous Disaster in '88, and THAT Exodus is definitely not related to the group of hired goons that shoveled that steaming pile of Let There Be Blood onto our unsuspecting earballs 20 years later. Just ditch the name, that's all I ask. You're not "Exodus" anymore. I'll even give you 4 suggestions for a new moniker, free of charge: 1) BROCRASTERBATION 2) SHOVEL-HEADED MOSHBRO POSSE 3) PARTY-TIME FOOTBALL JERSEY BRO SQUAD 4) GOATEE-BRO PARTY DOWN XBOX 360 COORS LIGHT DUDEFEST Instead, listen to The Crown, Doomsday King. Just because. 7) HUNTRESS - OFF WITH HER HEAD Demo Really, just a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible heavy metal band. Also, a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible group of people to hang out with for a weekend. Go download it. (Jill: CALL ME.) Instead, listen to Slough Feg, The Animal Spirits. 6) CRETACEOUS - SAURIAN JIHAD EP Probably the only band that I could ever possibly hate more than Huntress. There's a good reason their first demo only scored a 3% on Encyclopaedia Metallum. Jesus Christ. Thank God they broke up. (Download this milestone of human creativity HERE.) Instead, listen to some actual SF metal, like the Hazzard's Cure demo. I have it on good authority that their full-length is coming soon... 5) BURZUM - BELUS Burzum's new album is a fine example of what I like to call the Uncool Uncle Syndrome. UUS is easy to identify once you've seen the symptoms, and I'm sure many of you have experienced it already. Uncool Uncle Syndrome manifests itself thusly: You have an awkward, single uncle in his mid-to-late 40's or early 50's who suffers from social issues and/or a drinking problem. This uncle used to be a rocker back in the day, and he's had an extremely hard time accepting the fact that he's getting old, his metabolism is slowing down, and he can't party like he used to. He still plays in a band, though, with a bunch of other middle-aged losers like himself. They are terrible. At some point, he talks you into going to see his depressing-ass band play live at some dive bar/county fair/junior high dance. Their music is awful, repetitive garbage devoid of creativity or inspiration. You barely escape with your sanity. Welcome to the soul-crushing despair of UUS. Oh, also your uncle is a convicted murderer. Instead, listen to Blood of Kingu, Sun In The House of The Scorpion. 4) NACHTMYSTIUM - ADDICTS: BLACK MEDDLE, PART 2 YACHT-MYSTIUM NOT-MYSTIUM NACHT-FISTIN'-EM COCK-PISSTIUM LIMP-WRISTIUM meh. Instead, listen to Impaled Nazarene, Road To The Octagon (it's not a concept album about UFC, I swear). 3) EVERY SWOOPY-HAIRED, TIGHT-PANTS-WEARING, CLEAN-CHORUS-SINGING, FALSE-METAL-ENDORSING, SYNCHRONIZED HEAD-BANGING, HOT-TOPIC-SHOPPING, ANNOYING-RINGTONE-HAVING, JESUS-LOVING, EMO-MAKEUP-WEARING-AND-NON-IRONICALLY-STUFF-YOU-WILL-HATE-READING "METALCORE" DOGSHIT PRISON-BAIT-BEING BAND THAT PUT OUT AN ALBUM IN 2010. Too many to list, unfortunately. Instead, listen to Haiyano Daisuki's Invincible Gate Mind Of The Infernal Fire Hell EP. 2) A BULLET FOR PRETTY BOY - REVISION: REVISE Just in case I didn't make my feelings on their genre perfectly clear up there in #3, and just on the off chance that you missed my thoughts on A Bullet For Pretty Boy back here, allow me to repeat myself: "YOUR GOD DOESN'T EXIST AND YOUR MUSIC IS LOWER THAN THE LOWEST IMAGINABLE FORM OF ROTTING, PURULENT PIGSHIT. IF THERE EVER WAS A "JESUS" (AND THERE WASN'T), HE WOULD TURN HIS BACK ON YOU AND CAST YOU OUT OF HIS FLOCK, IF ONLY TO CONVINCE YOU TO PUT DOWN YOUR GUITARS, YOUR KEYBOARDS, YOUR DRUMSTICKS, YOUR MICROPHONES, AND JUST WALK AWAY... WALK AWAY FROM "MUSIC" FOREVER, ALWAYS, FOR ETERNITY. DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER COME BACK. YOUR "INPUT" IS NOT NEEDED. GET A JOB, STOP LIVING OFF YOUR PARENTS, GO FAR, FAR, FAR AWAY FROM US--THE PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE REAL MUSIC, MUSIC WITH SOUL, MUSIC WITH INTEGRITY, MUSIC WITH FUCKING BALLS!" (Did you really think I was done with these guys?) Instead, listen to the Satanic majesty of Inquisition's Ominous Doctrines of the Perpetual Mystical Macrocosm. 1) KVELERTAK - S/T Yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone LOVES Kvelertak. Everyone HATES Kvelertak. Let's just hunker down and wait this one out, I guarantee that no one will even remember this band by December 2011. A prediction: Kvelertak's career arc will be the exact career arc of their countrymen (and apparently main inspiration) Turbonegro. Just as Turbonegro started off playing ironic rock music disguised as punk rock, so too has Kvelertak begun their career by playing ironic rock music disguised as black metal. And just as Turbonegro slowly became a sad parody of themselves, losing their "punk rock" element and morphing into just plain bad ironic rock music, so too will Kvelertak drop any semblance to "menace" or "metal" in the near future, and before you know it all these jock-riding "metal critics" will be abandoning the Kvelertak Bandwagon like rats from a sinking ship. Irony upon irony. Hipsters rejoice! Instead, listen to something truly face-melting, such as Defeated Sanity, Chapters of Repugnance. Or Vasaeleth, Crypt Born And Tethered To Ruin. Or Perdition Temple, Edict of The Antichrist Elect. Or Decrepit Birth, Polarity. Or Brain Drill, Quantum Catastrophe. Or Rings of Saturn's Embryonic Anomaly. You can thank me later. Also, I want to wish my Dad a happy birthday. That is all.
...I mean detectives Wheeler and Eames are smoking! Who wouldn't want to be arrested by either? 
Metallum / Last.FM 
Stay cold.
